It has finally come to the end of the semester. Or rather, on the final week, with 2 more days to go, but nonetheless, it is amusing how time passed. The past 2 weeks have been the most tiring and exhausting week by far. I've nearly forgotten how it was like sitting in the library for hours studying the same subject over consecutive days. Having 3 tests in one day wasn't exactly a walk in a park either. But lol, I made it through. How well I made it through is another issue though. Heh.
FADING AWAY.
Have you ever felt so tired, and exhausted that every little thing had 2 immediate effects of either making or breaking your day? It's really this teeny tiny thin fine line, where your brain only just have enough energy and capacity to decide in that split second if you should bother to give two shits or not. And it has come to a point that I have to be grateful and thankful even for the smallest thing, to make me happy, or seriously nothing will faze me. Things that make your day ranges from having the bus/train pull up to the stop at the moment you reach it, to getting higher than a 0 on a test you were so sure you'd fail but the question then was just how badly, to finally having a peaceful morning because the floor above you have finally stopped drilling. I'm just simply exhausted. Simply simply exhausted. 3 more weeks. Exactly 21 days, this will be all over. Even before exams have properly started, how can I be already this drained?
PRIORITIES
If you really think about it, this is something that is actually quite sad. Priorities- something you regard or value above the others, hence you sacrifice the 2nd best thing and go for the "top" thing. But why? Because that "top" thing gives you more benefits. See how selfish humans are? to ourselves? or maybe even to others? Depending on the context, priorities of a person or of a passion; to see how when we only value something just because it gives us something more in return.
Screw Finding Your Passion- Mark Manson
Remember back when you were a kid? You would just do things. Younever thought to yourself, "what are the relative merits of learning baseball versus football?" You just ran around the playground and played baseball and football. YOubuild sand castles and played tag and asked silly questions and looked for bugs and dug up grass and pretended you were a sewer monster.
Nobody told you to do it, you just did it. You were led merely by your curiosity and excitement.
And the beautiful thing was, if you hated baseball, you just stopped playing it. There was no guilt involved. There was no arguing or debate. You either liked it or you didn't.
And if you loved looking for bugs, you just did that. There was no second-level analysis of, "Well, is looking for bugs really what I should be doing with my time as a child? Nobody else wants to look for bugs, does that mean there's something wrong with me? How will looking for bugs affect my future prospects?"
There was no bullshit. If you liked something, you just did it.
...they don't know what to do with their life...where they could start..where to "find their passion."
...that's the whole point- "not knowing" is the whole fucking point. Life is all about not knowing, and then doing something anyway. All life is like this. All of it.
...You already found your passion, you're just ignoring it...you're awake 16 hours a day...doing..talking about something..some topic or activity or idea that dominates a significant amount of your free time, your conversation, your web browsing, and it dominates them without you consciously pursing it or looking for it.
It's right there in front of you, you're just avoiding it. For whatever reason, you're aoiding it. You're telling yourself, "Oh well, yeah, I love comic books but that doesn't count. You can't make money with comic books."
...have you even tried?
The problem is not lack of passion for something. The problem is productivity. The problem is perception. The problem is acceptance.
The problem is the, "Oh, well that's just not a realistic option," or "Mom and Dad would kill me if I tried to do that.." or "That's crazy, you can't buy a BMW with the money you make doing that."
...It's never passion. It's priorities
...The issue here is..expectations...If you think you're supposed to wake up every single day dancing out of your pajamas because you get to go to work, then you've been drinking the Kool-Aid. Life doesn't work like that. It's just unrealistic. There's a thing most of us need called balance.
...He doesn't need to find his passion. His passion already found him. He's just ignoring it. He just refuses to believe it's viable. He is just afraid of giving it an honest-to-god try.
It's like a nerdy kid walking onto a playground and saying, "Well, bugs are really cool, but NFL players make more money, so I should force myself to play football every day,"..
..The problem is that he's arbitrarily choosing to limit himself based on some bullshitty ideas he got into his head about success and what he's supposed to do.
...If you have to look for what youre passionate about, then you're probably not passionate about it at all. If you're passionate about something, it will already feel like such an ingrained part of your life that you will have to be reminded by people that it's not normal, that other people aren't like that.
A child does not walk onto a playground and say to herself, "How do I find fun?" She just goes and have fun.
If you have to look for what you enjoy in life, then you're not going to enjoy anything.
And the real truth is that you already enjoy something. You already enjoy many things. You're just choosing to ignore them.
In the good light of passion-
When was the last time we actually did something for ourselves and not for society? I always thought that choosing a well-stable job and typical career path like a doctor, lawyer, banker- were the right choices, simply because they're the high-paying jobs, the "non-frowned upon" acceptable jobs, and that society made it so. To an extent yes, society. But then I never thought to look at myself. I always thought I never had passion for law, and that I'm just doing it because it's the most practical career path out there, and that I could be doing Psychology or something if I really wanted. I mean I'm interested in law, sure, but not to the extent of calling it a "passion". That's the thing, I just chose to limit myself to the idea that society has put into my head, that those are the "acceptable" choices. I refuse to acknowledge that there are other possibilities out there that could be just as successful, but i'm just too afraid to try. And for that, I am disappointed in myself; disappointed for not giving it a try, disappointed for being afraid of letting my family down should I fail, disappointed for not having faith in myself that I could reach that goal one day, disappointed for giving in to the demands and pressures of society. Maybe one day, maybe. Sometimes the innocence of a child is so precious; not knowing the pressures of society, the prejudice and discrimination, or the judgements held in the eyes of others, and just going about their playtime, not caring about the world, and doing the things they love the most. That's what I'd like to be, but sometimes you just can't afford to.
In the bad light of a person-
When was the last time we actually did something out of goodwill expecting nothing in return? But is this wrong? To want to expect something in return? Even if you're walking down a street and you decide to make a donation and you think, "huh, I'm giving them something, and not expecting anything back". But you're wrong, what you get back is the self assurance that you did a good deed and that you're of "good heart". Somehow it boils down to human nature, where it is really the 'survival of the fittest' instinct, where we fight for ourselves to survive, no matter the consequence. This is where you start to doubt people around you, if what they are doing is really genuine out of care or concern or just because they want something from you. The ones that break this barrier of insecurity and doubt are those worth really holding onto. But it's really not that simple. Through that, many things cloud our judgement; greed, pride, money, and love.
21 days is all I need to survive. Just 21 days to get the rest I need. 21 Days to know what's it like to breathe again. 21 days.
Anyeong!
Hello from the other side;
