Homebound.

The day has finally arrived.
The day that I am scheduled to fly home. Home sweet home indeed.
The day that I have been looking forward since the beginning of the semester.
It has felt as if I have stayed here forever. Legit.
If you were to ask me what had happened during the semester, I wouldn't be able to recall clearly, because everything went by in a blur. Although in reality it was really only 4 months, everything seemed so far away when I look back on it.

Like..
Semester started.. can't remember squat about that..
Then assignments flooded in, with mid-sem tests and what not..
Mid-sem results came back..had quite a breakdown about this, hence being pretty significant in this thought train..
Then finals somehow came in...
Went on our roadtrip up north to Brisbane..(which I shall cover in a bit)
And now, here I am typing this, at 3:13am, in the midst of all the packing for both homebound and UK; which btw, packing has never been such a horror.

Especially with Kat finally graduating with her Honors degree in Advanced Maths/ Commerce..I feel so excited for her, and part of me feel like leaving this place as well. Leaving uni really HAHA. This has honestly been the worst semester yet. If anything, 3 laws wasn't exactly the greatest idea, but yet, it was and is only the tip of the iceberg of what is to come in my 5 year journey of Law School. Am I ready for the snowball of burden and stress that is to come? Most definitely absolutely 100% not. But that's life right? When they throw you lemons, you somehow got to think of a damn way to pry that lemon open, be it with your bare hands, and somehow think of a way to get all that damn juice out to make some lemonade.



Well, as of now I'm barely alive, so the roadtrip update will have to come a tad bit later. In the meantime, SG here I come! Homebound.

Anyeong! (:

Intertwined.

Major throwback to one of my favorite songs of all time.
Its been a decade.
Back to the time where little girls were still naively crushing on every guy, reading too much into actions, squealing about and blushing when some guy replies instantly, and crying over guys who weren't worth it.
How time flies indeed.
I always wonder if I have changed as a person.
You watch those dramas where they make big expressions like "Oh, how you've changed" or like "leopard doesn't change its spots" or something.

But then again, do I want that change?
While 'same old' may have a good connotation, it could mean something else negative as well. You may have loved your old self, or 'how it used to be', but wouldn't it be worrying that there had been no change? As if from the time back then until now, you've learnt nothing. Nothing has changed you; for the better or for the worst. In short: you've wasted your life LOL.
Okay I'm sure we've all changed in someway or not. But the thing is, I can't see it for myself, is that worrying? Maybe stronger mentally. But on some level, not.

I'm tired.
Have I become weak? Or have I always have been, and just never realised it.
That is the terrifying truth.
Exams are in a week. Am I ready?
The next 3 weeks are going to be one hellish ride.
Wish me luck!

Can't wait to go home.
Home, a place that is not necessarily a destination, but where the heart is.

Anyeong!

Choices.

You know the famous saying, 'life is full of choices, so choose wisely.' Or something along those lines; And i'd think lol, how cheesy, how lame, how overrated. But lo and behold, I started to realise, it is those choices that define you. Sound familiar? Bear with me, I'm getting there.

Of the good and the evil in the world, there are many complications behind them which are hard to understand.

Which is why we should never only focus on the surface and judge others without understanding them first.

Those who like to pay the bill, do so not because they are loaded but because they value friendship above money.

Those who take the initiative at work, do so not because they are stupid but because they understand the concept of responsibility.

Those who apologize first after a fight, do so not because they are wrong but because they value the people around them.

Those who often text you, do so not because they have nothing better to do but because you are in their heart.

One day, all of us will get separated from each other. We will miss our conversations of everything and nothing and the dreams we had. Days, months and years will pass until this contact becomes rare.

One day, our children will see our pictures and ask: “Who are these people?”

And we will smile with invisible tears because a heart is touched with a strong word and you will say: “It was them that I had the best days of my life with.”

The choices you make, will reflect who you are as a person, what your priorities are, and your inner character. Although it may seem so minor, because we make choices every day, every minute, every second, that we tend to lose track and take things for granted, assuming it'll always be there. But that is a choice in itself. The choice to take something for granted. That is your choice, but also your loss, once its gone.

On the other end of the spectrum....
I stumbled upon a Wongfu Production video today (which by the way, they make awesome short films), and one of their videos' message hit me.

  Nothing is ever enough. Throwback to those days when "I like you" -those three words, meant so much to the teenage me. To those times where just the mutual feelings for each other was enough. But then, once you passed that phase, you'd get used to the idea, and raise your expectations, "I don't want you to just 'like' me, I want you to 'love' me." And when "I love you" wasn't enough because you want the other person to 'show' you instead of 'say' it, things start breaking apart, simply because, it is never enough.

  Is it human nature or something to always expect more once we get something? Why can't we just be satisfied with what we have? I have done my fair share of thoughts on what exactly drives 'expectations' and what not, but maybe its because we always yearn for change, crave for 'something new', seek the unknown elements of surprise. So all these 'i like you's and 'i love you's' could just be empty words to you, mere statements.

  But that's where my point comes in. Although love isn't as simple and innocent as we thought it would be all those years ago, one thing is for sure, whenever things break apart, be it relationships, between partners, friends or family, or when words start to hold empty meanings, remember that it isn't the end of the world. Choice; it is by choice-- constantly choosing to love.

CAN SCHOOL BE OVER YET?
the past 3 weeks have been a living hell. 3 assignments in 2 weeks? Oh lord bless my soul. Currently this reflects me as a person, for my choosing to blog instead of continuing with my Admin research essay (which by the way is the worst subject on earth, I don't even know how I am still alive and kicking). But hey, kudos to me for surviving the past 9 weeks of uni woohoo! 2 more months (exactly) and its home sweet home baby.

Anyeong! (:

Wrecked Ship.

27 days down, 13 weeks till homebound!
Somehow after 3 semesters, this is the worst one of the lot. I guess most of the stress comes from having 3 laws, with the constant burden and reminder that you'll never be done with your readings, in which you sacrifice your social life, and your sleep. Its the prism dilemma, where you always have to give up something, suffer a detriment, to enjoy the benefits of another. And most of the times we make the wrong decisions, but that's opportunity cost for you ladies and gentleman, once the decision is made there's no turning back. Many a times i learn that the hard way, choosing procrastination over my priorities.




It's not all rainbows and butterflies. Nor is it a bed of roses. 
What we post online, or even what we gush on about our lives to others, is what we want them to think. Of course not intentionally, but it is what we remember and hold dearly to our hearts, and really, it is what people ask about- which normally consists of all the good stuff, all the happy endings, hence seemingly coming off as if you're going on about in this world with perfect blessings all around us, perfect house, perfect family, and that our life in itself is perfect.

But here's the funny thing, people show you the happy side, but you never really know what's going on behind that picture. A click is all it takes to capture a happy moment, but you never really bother to see what happens after that one click. Life is more than just that one click. Life moves on is what i'm saying.

Now, it is your duty to not let your picture be of lies, to be merely a facade, hiding all emotions behind it. Social media is queen of this. There I was, a victim, fooled by the perfect portrayal of what should and should not be.

HOLD UP HOLD UP HOLD UP. I'M OVER THIS.

As I thought about this longer, I stumbled upon a revelation.
I always go on laughing about my friends (or really just one friend) who have their lives revolving around something, be it work, education, their partner, Pokemon Go. I always mock them- saying that its not healthy, they don't have any balance, they're gonna be a wreck. Reality is, I am this wreck too. The ship has sailed, hit an iceberg, and now its slowly sinking. Now before this ship goes completely down under, I gotta stop it. And its not too late to save it. Or so I hope.
Its foundation is weak; it is fragile, and vulnerable. But only for now.
The freaking ocean is so damn big, there's so much more out there. Don't confine yourself. and to go out there and venture forth, this is definitely not the way.

anyeong!

Departure Halls.

If you knew me, you'd know (for some rhyme or reason or maybe for the simple reason- being Singaporean) I'd hate anything that involved wasting my time. So naturally, activities like shopping where it involves walking around aimlessly all while by the end of the day having achieved nothing, would to an extent, frustrate me. But this winter, I've come to the realisation, that it's not what you've achieved in the end, but whether you had fun during the journey. (Hence the quote "Not the destination but the journey that matters.) And with this thought in mind, I started to appreciate the smallest of things, making me hold onto moments far more better. You know how books always have those "And in that moment" clauses, I had alot of those moments.

Because you must know, that time change, people change, so you hold on to those memories, to remember and remind yourself, what it was like to be in that moment. Time slips through your fingers -like running water. You don't take things for granted just because you have it everyday, see it everyday, assume it will be there the next day just cos' it was here today.




Have you ever walked down the streets before with someone, and the second time once more, but this time, you're alone? It's like you're re-living memories, familiar streets, remembering what had happened there, thinking to yourself and smiling, but suddenly your smile falls, because you realise, you're reliving it, but alone. I didn't know it was possible, to feel a hole, as if a chunk of me was taken away from me. As dramatic as that sounds- I did feel it, the moment those doors closed before me, I was at loss. And I didn't know what was worse; knowing I wasn't strong enough, or that i'd have to be either way cos' life ain't a bed of roses and if I can't stand up on my own, who else is going to?

It's back to reality.

Back to the routine of drowning my emotions in panic and stress of uni work and assignments, hoping that amongst all this, time will fly by, just like it did all those moments ago.

I miss you, already.

anyeong (:

Thin Ice.

Everyone wants to feel wanted, to feel needed, to feel loved.

You know what's scary?
Me, needing you more than you need me.
Me, being scared shitless of one day losing you, while the feeling may not be mutual.
Me, depending my whole and my entirety on you, should one day you leave, i'll be left with nothing, but broken pieces of the "what could be's"; broken pieces of me.
Me, being lost forever without you, while I, just a faded memory of yours.
Me, being vulnerable, treading on thin ice.



That's the thing about investing every inch of your being into something, that with every step you take, you move forward, but you leave a piece behind, hoping that one day, you will be able to look back, and retrace your steps with those pieces, finding your way back home.

Fear, is what makes you vulnerable.
Fear, is what instills doubt.

Don't misunderstand me. Not doubt in you, but doubt in me, that i'm not perfect. Yes, no one's perfect, and all I needed was to be perfect for you. But what if, I'm not? Only to be just another Jane Doe, easily replaced, only to be left behind as a mere forgotten memory.

Then again, this could all just be fruitless, mere ramblings or even nonsense if you may call it, for all you know, it could just be the mere yearn, want, and need, to see you and hold you, and be by your side once again.

It could just be an empty rant, to tell you:

I miss you. 

Here's to FINALS starting in 2 days!!!! Hopefully it'll be over as soon as it starts :) hehehe
anyeong!

What makes you, breaks you.

Satin Sheets.

Even though we all have that one person we wish could come back, what we really should wish for is someone who never leaves. -Rania Naim

You never really know what you've got until you lose it. So you don't take things for granted, starting from the beginning. And while it may be tiring to constantly have this reminder at the back of your head, you better try your damnest, because these are the little things that will make you regret at the end of they day. Time. 

Even the smallest things, you stop and take a step back. "Think before you act." When I was younger, that was the common 'moral of the story's, but I never really understood it until I grew up. Not exactly say I have, but I'm trying to grasp this concept. Most of the time, I let my emotions take control of my actions, doing without thinking, never seeing or caring for the ripples from my stone's throw, always thinking of the "now" and not the "after". Perspective.

Repressing all emotions you had, to numb the heartache that had build up over the past months, only to have it one day come crashing down all at once. Unconsciously blocking out the only thing that makes you vulnerable, so as to stay strong, for yourself. Having those walls break down, where do you go from here? Patience.

"Tis the journey, not the destination that matters." Then again, whoever said the journey of life was going to be easy? Mainly due to expectations that causes these ups and downs. But that is why, it is from this 'journey', these 'ups and downs' that make us learn the lessons of life. Lest we forget, know that you're not alone in your battles, and that you have people who care about you, who loves you. Rising up and forward. It may seem tough but you are blessed. Satin sheets. 




LAST WEEK OF UNI!!!!
Omg, I have never felt this excited in my life. Each passing semester has increasingly become a blur. It just flies past. I do indeed feel this semester was slightly better than last semester though, weirdly. But this sem, my procrastination game has been pretty high. Time to buck up kris....Here's to the last week of hell, and the next 3 weeks of even more hell. 28 MORE DAYS WOOHOO!!
This time next month, I will finally be back home, home in the comfort of my own surroundings, covered in the veil of familiarity.

anyeong!
wait for me to come home.

Crumpled Paper.

I've asked myself a billion and one times whether I've made the right choice with Law, and many a times, I've left myself with a heavy heart; in a dilemma. But what I finally realised is that it is not my concern with making the wrong choice or whether I'm dying now that is making me feel burdened, but whether it will all be worth it in the end. To an extent it is about the expectations my parents have on me, and how I am afraid to fail and disappoint them if I drop out, or change course. And to another extent, it is about getting to my "destination" and not being happy with it, and realising all that sleepless nights and stressful weeks were not worth it in the end.  

"I failed so bad I had to go Australia where the studies are easier there. Even then, I did bad. Never made it past high school. Tried to go to US and never made it past community college. But you know where I found success? By doing what I love with an honest integrity to share my work with others around the world. You see, success is such a enigmatic goal. Because success is really defined through our life experiences which makes everyone's definition of success different. But I can say that once you reach it, life isn't much different. Learn to appreciate the journey. That's really where happiness, creative satisfaction and freedom comes from. If you aim for success, you focus on the destination and not the journey. You'll still be miserable at the end." -- some random dude on my friend's fb page, but I found this inspirational.

Appreciating the journey: Having this perspective in mind (perhaps just to make myself feel better), I guess I'll have to not worry whether i'll hate it or love it at the end of the day, but just take each day as it is, step by step. Not exactly saying it's gonna be in a walk in the park, but hey, that's what law school is about right? Riding a bike, where the bike is on fire, and you're riding through hell. 

Our greatest fear is if our dream isn’t for us. / 

You have to remember to be human. / 

Remember that you are struggling because you have to, that nothing good comes easy, and as cliché as it may be, remember that the fire that melts butter is the same fire that hardens steel. 

-Laura Murallos

Anyeong! 

Here's to surviving these 2 weeks of hell. 

Sometimes, I just want to curl into a ball and forget about everything around me.

living a lie.

Before today, I repeatedly told myself I was done caring and obsessing over things that clearly would upset me in more ways than one. (refer to Feb's post) But yet, I was never truly done- until a few days ago that is. Or at least mostly done, more than I was last. I'm not sure if I was just trying to prove something by holding on for this long, to bear through those few months. But for what? At what cost? What did I learn? Sometimes, you just try so hard to save someone, but perhaps they just didn't want to be saved from the very beginning.

In time, I have just got to stop caring. Because I learnt that somethings are just not meant to be solved and saved, but just meant to be left alone to find its own path. Because I have tried and tried- so hard. What exactly am I trying to achieve by trying? I've lost reason to continue trying. I've lost faith. I go on about people who try too hard, when all along, I myself am a living example of contradiction.

Its a big world out there. A great big dangerous world, filled with countless unknowns; Somewhere where people will hurt you through ways unimaginable, use you for your status, or until you're useless, putting up this mask, to fool everyone.
Sometimes I wonder whether those who do those unto others, know what they're doing, and just go ahead with it because they're just sad shallow pitiful human beings, or somehow their character was just simply moulded in such a way to survive in this cruel world. Isn't that reality though?

Let me give you a simple example. In this modern society, networking is key, you attend social events for networking, get to know more people. But for what? What exactly is your ultimate goal? Friendship? yeaahh sure, more like partnerships, internships, a better career opportunity?
There are 2 types of people. Those who go ahead with putting up a business front, official and all, mingling at these events. And then there is another type, where they simply cannot bear the thought of putting up this "front" just to gain status/ benefits. But they are the ones that lose out at job opportunities etc. THEN AGAIN, I know there are times you truly think someone is truly interesting and you'd want to get to know them more, cos they've travelled the world, seen cool things, done awesome daredevil things. But really, most of the time, what are the chances that you give them a chance, or give yourself a chance to get to know them better, giving them the benefit of the doubt. And even if you are at the top purely through your hardwork and genuinity, there will be people who suck up to you for the sake of their own greed. So I'm at this point where I'm searching for the appropriate "balance", what is right, and what should be wrong. Bottom line is, you don't know what is real anymore.



For every downfall/ unexpected event that happens, you gotta see it as an opportunity- When one door closes, another opens. It shows you exactly the opposite- what you don't want to happen, or who you don't want to be, pushing yourself to become a better person. But I guess that is where I found it hard to understand, as to why good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people?

I did once think, "you simply have done so many wrongs in your life that you simply do not deserve such goodness and happiness". But who am I to judge? I myself am a sinner. I sin everyday, I simply am not perfect. Just because I don't do the things evil people do, do I have the right to judge them? Upon such judgement on my part, I am ashamed I have had such thoughts, to think one does not deserve such fortune upon oneself, for I lowered myself, to be beneath them. Hence, I think this time, there will be no turning back- for real.

If you stop talking much less think about something, it will soon fade into the background, together with all the chaos and stresses of the world, drowned in the pool of unwanted worries, and you'll soon realise, you've stopped caring about it altogether; you're finally free.

Here's to an oh-so-unwanted-too-early mid sem break.

Anyeong!

When I'm with you, I'm standing with an army.

Burnt Toast.

Let me tell you a story I stumbled upon,

One evening, my mother made dinner after a hard day's work.

She placed the jam and a plate with completely burnt toast in front of my father. I noticed the black toast immediately, but I was waiting to see if my father would notice it too.

My father however started to eat the toast and asked me about my day. 

I don't remember anymore what I answered, but shortly thereafter, my other apologised about the burnt toast.

I will never forget what my father said, "Darling, I love burnt toast!"

When I went to bed later, I asked him if he really likes burnt toast.

He hugged me and whispered, your mother had a very demanding day today, she is tired.

Burnt toast won't hurt anybody, but words can be very painful.

Life is full of perfect things and faulty people.

To accept these mistakes and appreciate the differences; this is the key to a healthy and long-lasting relationship.

Being separated by millions of miles, you tend to learn how to be appreciative of the smallest things, no matter how insignificant it may seem to be, and even more if you know that someone went an extra mile, just to make you smile. I'm not even specifically referring to a relationship, for it applies to all other relationships, with your friends, and family. When you're so far away you start to lose contact with people, threads cut, bridges burned, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. It can no longer be an expectation for your friends to want to meet/ skype you every so often, because drifting apart is inevitable. It just happens. People give up when either side stops putting in the effort. And that is how things start to fall apart. So you start to appreciate the littlest effort people put in to catch up with you and what not; You yourself have to take the first step sometimes. Taking things for granted is when one slips up. 

Ever seen what it's like to give a child a candy? Or what it's like to ask a child how was school, and they would just ramble on? I'm not comparing someone to the immaturity of a child, but to the innocence and true heart of one, back to a simpler time, where there was nothing to hide, no hidden agenda, no ulterior motive. To see someone speak with such passion and innocence, where their eyes light up in excitement, and in that moment, you can't help, but to be touched by the rare sight before you.



FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
I can't deal. This semester i've made certain resolutions, which I have a feeling will go down the drain as soon as i post this. But, can't say i don't wish to try.

For one, I definitely want to become a better person. To focus on myself, and stop caring about the drama and gossip around. If i lose friends or lose whatever social status i had, so be it, cos making fake friends to climb some over-rated social ladder is not the way to go. Whenever I see spiteful people who go to weird extremes just to get their way, sometimes cutting people off at their knees, or using you until you're wrung dry and just tossing you away like used kleenex, I put myself in their shoes and question, "How can you live with yourself?". I view things and do things and make decisions on how I want to look back upon myself, whether I have lived a life I will be proud of in 10 or even a 100 years.

That's how I wish to live, and hopefully not be swayed by temptation or greed down the road.
Sometimes you got to give up on people. Not because you stopped caring, but because they do. 

Also, HAPPY LEAP DAY EVERY BUDDY :D

anyeong (:
missing you, forever and always.

The Butterfly Effect.

No I'm not okay.

When a girl says it's fine, is she really? When she says she's okay, is she? When she says to go, don't go.
Is it not right to appear this vulnerable? Is that why we always say the opposite of what we really feel?

It's like we're leading separate lives, but i'm put in a position such that I can't demand anything else more. The particular circumstances placed upon us is just our luck. I've asked myself a million what ifs. What if we weren't separated by a million miles, a thousand cities, a hundred seas. Would everything be for the best or the worst?

To see his smile, his face light up, but all not for the right reasons. The fact that I can't be the reason of such joy, such relief, makes me doubt myself a thousand times. I can't help it, to feel that I don't bring such emotions, breaks me. Maybe I'm just thinking too much, but I can't help it.



"And little by little, I understood that there were many types of love. We do not choose the one we fall in love with, and our perception of happiness is our own and is determined by what we experience.."

Maybe it is because it is the loneliest day of the year tomorrow, and although I'm not alone, I still will technically be spending it alone. Oh but random thought, this is the fun thing about Valentine's day, you can celebrate it for your mum, or your foreveralone friends. You won't ever be alone. Whereas compared to Christmas, when everyone has family to spend it with, cos' once you're alone, you truly are.

I just hate having such thoughts, having to doubt myself, having to doubt him. I shouldn't be, and I needn't be. But I am.

THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT

Close your eyes and think about that boy. Tell me how he makes you feel. Let your mind tract over his tired shoulders. Allow your thoughts to linger on that beautiful smile. Take a deep breath and try to put those dark thoughts aside. For once, let go of the reins you've wrapped so tightly around your heart. I know you are scared. Who could blame you? Love is a hurricane wrapped inside a chrysalis. And you are a girl walking into the storm.

- Lang Leav

anyeong!

Or maybe it's just because, I miss you. So much that it hurts. I can't help it. 

Why Not?

For once, I actually missed my monthly post. Kinda itching me that I did, but its done anyway, but I had a pretty good reason for it. If anything, January was the very definition to starting the year off with a bang. The things that I have seen, experienced in a year, all squished into a month. It was one heck of a ride, and although it was great fun, its time to settle down. I've about another 3 weeks or so to get my mindset settled and put into the school mode. Seriously cannot see myself getting out of this vacation mood. Simply too relaxed, and even just the idea of going back to school haunts me.

January was crazy. Why you say? I did my first solo trip to UK! Well not exactly fully solo, because i had lovely people from the very start, and when i mean very start, I mean from the moment I stepped onto English grounds at Heathrow Airport, to the city and all for a good 5 days. My journey to Nottingham was alone, but I couldn't depend on people through the whole way could I? Had to grow some independence ;) It was chilly, but the cold didn't matter when you had people around you who cared to warm your heart. A special shout out to Kitty Kat for taking care of me the last 7 days around UK, from booking our accommodation, to train tickets, and to even food reservation and of course for putting up with my constant whining. Without her, I definitely would not have survived.

There are many things in life that I do in fact regret, and some things I know I ought to have some sort of regret. But this time, what I should be regretting, shan't be. And what I thought could have been done, won't be done. For I know, whatever happened, is only what can be called a lesson learnt. In fact, I can confidently say, no ragrats.

Sometimes you question yourself, "Why?", when really the true question is "Why not?".

There will be countless things that happen in life that did not go according to plan, and sometimes for the worst or for the best. But for most times, we will only focus on the bad, and remember the failures. It could be human nature to focus on the bad or whatever it is that did not go according to plan or our expectation, hence we frown upon it. But since when did we have to frown upon something just because we did not expect it or it is not "the norm"?

I'm not saying to go about everything with a YOLO attitude or something, but you can't cry over spilt milk, it is the past. The past is history, the future is mystery. If you ask yourself the question "Why not?", it switches your whole perspective on appreciation and opens your mind to be more accepting of those who do things out of the norm. So be afraid. But be afraid, and then do it anyway.
Just like those people who choose to see whether a glass of water is half empty or half filled.

Life is too short not to take chances.



Just like taking on the SSA Boomerang Camp 2016, the morning after we arrived from UK, people may think I was crazy, but really, it was the exposure, the experience and the memories makes the craziness within seem all worth it. I was of course the youngest of the lot, and my OGlings all call me a kid when in fact they are my kids, but really games and all covered despite the tiredness, it was great fun. It is different when you are a third person overseeing the camp rather than being involved. You are able to differentiate a leader from a follower, passion from compassion. And through it all, you learn more about yourself, and from those around you as well.

Sometimes the consequences or the cost it will take when you make a particular decision scare the shit out of me, but at the end of the day, you look back, and think what you have gained, not the losses. Even so, if the gains outweighs the loss, then, why not? Obviously this does not include jumping off the Harbour Bridge or something that extreme, but its the sort of risk that is still reasonable and within the "humane spectrum" of things yknow?

Do it to do it, not to have done it. 

Anyeong! (:

It clicked.

It's crazy how things can change just within a year. Screw that, how things can change within a month. This time last year, things were very different

SCHOOL
Firstly, it may have felt like it happened super duper long ago, but it was only a year ago that i completed foundation year. I can't even remember the last time i was worrying about the Binomial Theorem, or whether you click V or H Lookup for computer class. If I thought foundation year past fast, first year uni definitely was the very definition of lightning speed.

Looking back, how was school? Did i regret any of the things this year? What can be improved? What can I learn? In terms of exposure, i've definitely met more people from different walks of life, made some local white friends (which is not me being racist by pointing out their colour, but just that i never saw myself clicking with them), found so many more friendships that I can depend on and laugh with till my stomach ached, and formed bonds that can never be broken. I guess the only thing I do regret is not going out enough. But comparing from last year, i definitely had an improvement, just that now, i'd like to venture to new places, instead of going back to the old. And another regret, is obviously not paying attention in both my accounting and QA classes heh. I realised that the amount of effort you put in, is really the grade you get. and I really got what i deserved lol. Yes, i had last minute 100% effort, but I think what I should be really striving for is consistent effort.  WHOOSH. Okay, knowing this, next sem I really have to up my game. With only 1 law subject but already taking up majority of my time and "burden", I'm not sure what I am going to do with 2 next year. But, I really have to suck it up and give it my all. The singapore education system did not train me for nothing.

Weirdly speaking, "next year" is literally in 2 days. I can't even.



THE SOUL
I don't even know where to start with what is going on with me and my heart in the past month. At the start of the 5 months, where we wanted to just "give it a try", in my heart, honestly speaking, I was like "no go. definitely no go." And even through that period, there were days I just felt like the worst, felt like giving up, and constantly asked myself, if this was worth it. This was me committing to someone I barely knew, I only met once, and knew for 4 days, someone who was a stranger just 6 months ago. The amount of trust i gave was definitely questionable, but yet unconditional and somehow, felt right. I didn't know what it was, but I gave it my all, without thinking of the consequences. I took the leap of faith. And I'm glad I did, because after 5 months of waiting. I must say it was worth it. All worth it. Was my Europe trip with Kat worth the sacrifice as well? I must say. Yes. I know where comes a chance, I will travel again. But nothing would be able to replace this December. I'm thankful for the things that happened, and the things that did not. For whatever I have up till today would not have happened if not for the good and the bad. So to those who broke my heart or messed with my feelings, thank you for making me appreciate those who won't take things for granted. To those who never trusted distance, thank you for making me appreciate closeness so much more. And finally to those who ran when they feared, thank you for making me see and appreciate those who stayed.

Have you ever just looked at something, and it just clicks in you, and you just know. That in that moment you were infinite. You wish that moment would last forever, cos' everything was just right. It is like a sudden struck of realisation, but yet also a peace of mind, and warmth of the heart. It was as if I could die there and then, but still leave this earth a happy woman with no regrets. It was as if, I could give my heart up in that instant, and let it be torn to pieces, and I wouldn't even care, cos' that was just how much I was willing to take the risk, the leap of faith, to trust.

Everything happens for a reason. People come into your life, some come and leave, while some stay. But the bottom-line is, each person come with a story, and it is through them we learn what we want, who we want to become, and how we want to live our lives with the values and lessons learned.

I don't know what the future holds, and I definitely can't say it will be easy. But together with faith and trust, I trust that as long as we embark on this journey together, fear of insecurity and distance will be overcome as long as we have the willingness and determination to try. As long as we try. That is all that matters right? We don't give up hope. We give up despair and unrealistic expectations. We give in to faith and trust.

Here's to a new year, with a new me, and a new goal.

Anyeong,
may all have a blessed new year (:

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. - Winnie the Pooh

Preach.

Why do bad things happen to good people in this world? "Good" may not be the right terminology, but why do the lives of the innocent get destroyed in an instant just because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time?

On Friday 13th, the city of Paris fell into darkness, establishing a nationwide lockdown. Few days prior, earthquakes, suicide bombings, shootings happened in all other parts of the world too. Why do innocent people have to die? Is that the price they have to pay because of the selfish needs and demands of their leaders? Honestly there is no way to end this war, for it had already started. I have no right to say who is in the wrong or right, or who started this war, or who is bad or not. But I know that it is an action you get a reaction. It could have started because of some minor disagreement or misunderstanding, such that a childish immature thinking of "you pushed me, so I shall push you back" mentality could be the root of all this.

Is the pride of man valued at such a cost to sacrifice innocent lives?

UK BOUND
I've finally booked dem tickets, and i'll be off to the land of (what do they call dem englishmen?) in about a month's time. I'm super excited, but yet the planning process will be hectic. I mean usually we would travel with our parents, where everything is already planned for. But now, i'm flying solo, lol I guess this is what growing up is. Taking on responsibilities for our own actions.

FREEDOM?
Now you would think just because exams are over i'm "free". Well, sort of-ish, but the cleaning and packing of the house, and organising of little errands around the house is so tiring...I just wanna go to some deserted island and roll around the beach, with a free mind, not caring two hoots about the world.



Am I trying too hard? Once again, am I falling into my own trap? Am I breaking rules?

HOMEBOUND T-1
home sweet home baby.

anyeong (:

Infinite Limits.

WEEK 13
It has finally come to the end of the semester. Or rather, on the final week, with 2 more days to go, but nonetheless, it is amusing how time passed. The past 2 weeks have been the most tiring and exhausting week by far. I've nearly forgotten how it was like sitting in the library for hours studying the same subject over consecutive days. Having 3 tests in one day wasn't exactly a walk in a park either. But lol, I made it through. How well I made it through is another issue though. Heh.

FADING AWAY.
Have you ever felt so tired, and exhausted that every little thing had 2 immediate effects of either making or breaking your day? It's really this teeny tiny thin fine line, where your brain only just have enough energy and capacity to decide in that split second if you should bother to give two shits or not. And it has come to a point that I have to be grateful and thankful even for the smallest thing, to make me happy, or seriously nothing will faze me. Things that make your day ranges from having the bus/train pull up to the stop at the moment you reach it, to getting higher than a 0 on a test you were so sure you'd fail but the question then was just how badly, to finally having a peaceful morning because the floor above you have finally stopped drilling. I'm just simply exhausted. Simply simply exhausted. 3 more weeks. Exactly 21 days, this will be all over. Even before exams have properly started, how can I be already this drained?



PRIORITIES
If you really think about it, this is something that is actually quite sad. Priorities- something you regard or value above the others, hence you sacrifice the 2nd best thing and go for the "top" thing. But why? Because that "top" thing gives you more benefits. See how selfish humans are? to ourselves? or maybe even to others? Depending on the context, priorities of a person or of a passion; to see how when we only value something just because it gives us something more in return.

Screw Finding Your Passion- Mark Manson

Remember back when you were a kid? You would just do things. Younever thought to yourself, "what are the relative merits of learning baseball versus football?" You just ran around the playground and played baseball and football. YOubuild sand castles and played tag and asked silly questions and looked for bugs and dug up grass and pretended you were a sewer monster.

Nobody told you to do it, you just did it. You were led merely by your curiosity and excitement.

And the beautiful thing was, if you hated baseball, you just stopped playing it. There was no guilt involved. There was no arguing or debate. You either liked it or you didn't.

And if you loved looking for bugs, you just did that. There was no second-level analysis of, "Well, is looking for bugs really what I should be doing with my time as a child? Nobody else wants to look for bugs, does that mean there's something wrong with me? How will looking for bugs affect my future prospects?"

There was no bullshit. If you liked something, you just did it.

...they don't know what to do with their life...where they could start..where to "find their passion."

...that's the whole point- "not knowing" is the whole fucking point. Life is all about not knowing, and then doing something anyway. All life is like this. All of it.

...You already found your passion, you're just ignoring it...you're awake 16 hours a day...doing..talking about something..some topic or activity or idea that dominates a significant amount of your free time, your conversation, your web browsing, and it dominates them without you consciously pursing it or looking for it.

It's right there in front of you, you're just avoiding it. For whatever reason, you're aoiding it. You're telling yourself, "Oh well, yeah, I love comic books but that doesn't count. You can't make money with comic books." 

...have you even tried?

The problem is not lack of passion for something. The problem is productivity. The problem is perception. The problem is acceptance.

The problem is the, "Oh, well that's just not a realistic option," or "Mom and Dad would kill me if I tried to do that.." or "That's crazy, you can't buy a BMW with the money you make doing that."

...It's never passion. It's priorities

...The issue here is..expectations...If you think you're supposed to wake up every single day dancing out of your pajamas because you get to go to work, then you've been drinking the Kool-Aid. Life doesn't work like that. It's just unrealistic. There's a thing most of us need called balance.

...He doesn't need to find his passion. His passion already found him. He's just ignoring it. He just refuses to believe it's viable. He is just afraid of giving it an honest-to-god try.

It's like a nerdy kid walking onto a playground and saying, "Well, bugs are really cool, but NFL players make more money, so I should force myself to play football every day,"..

..The problem is that he's arbitrarily choosing to limit himself based on some bullshitty ideas he got into his head about success and what he's supposed to do.

...If you have to look for what youre passionate about, then you're probably not passionate about it at all. If you're passionate about something, it will already feel like such an ingrained part of your life that you will have to be reminded by people that it's not normal, that other people aren't like that.

A child does not walk onto a playground and say to herself, "How do I find fun?" She just goes and have fun. 

If you have to look for what you enjoy in life, then you're not going to enjoy anything.

And the real truth is that you already enjoy something. You already enjoy many things. You're just choosing to ignore them. 

In the good light of passion-
When was the last time we actually did something for ourselves and not for society? I always thought that choosing a well-stable job and typical career path like a doctor, lawyer, banker- were the right choices, simply because they're the high-paying jobs, the "non-frowned upon" acceptable jobs, and that society made it so. To an extent yes, society. But then I never thought to look at myself. I always thought I never had passion for law, and that I'm just doing it because it's the most practical career path out there, and that I could be doing Psychology or something if I really wanted. I mean I'm interested in law, sure, but not to the extent of calling it a "passion". That's the thing, I just chose to limit myself to the idea that society has put into my head, that those are the "acceptable" choices. I refuse to acknowledge that there are other possibilities out there that could be just as successful, but i'm just too afraid to try. And for that, I am disappointed in myself; disappointed for not giving it a try, disappointed for being afraid of letting my family down should I fail, disappointed for not having faith in myself that I could reach that goal one day, disappointed for giving in to the demands and pressures of society. Maybe one day, maybe. Sometimes the innocence of a child is so precious; not knowing the pressures of society, the prejudice and discrimination, or the judgements held in the eyes of others, and just going about their playtime, not caring about the world, and doing the things they love the most. That's what I'd like to be, but sometimes you just can't afford to.

In the bad light of a person-
When was the last time we actually did something out of goodwill expecting nothing in return? But is this wrong? To want to expect something in return? Even if you're walking down a street and you decide to make a donation and you think, "huh, I'm giving them something, and not expecting anything back". But you're wrong, what you get back is the self assurance that you did a good deed and that you're of "good heart". Somehow it boils down to human nature, where it is really the 'survival of the fittest' instinct, where we fight for ourselves to survive, no matter the consequence. This is where you start to doubt people around you, if what they are doing is really genuine out of care or concern or just because they want something from you. The ones that break this barrier of insecurity and doubt are those worth really holding onto. But it's really not that simple. Through that, many things cloud our judgement; greed, pride, money, and love.

21 days is all I need to survive. Just 21 days to get the rest I need. 21 Days to know what's it like to breathe again. 21 days.

Anyeong!
Hello from the other side;

Endless Time.

Timing is a funny thing.
You've gotta get it right, or the moment will slip right through your fingers. Let me give you an example: here I am sitting outside Sir John Clancy's auditorium, because i've missed the bus by mere moments, just because it arrived a few minutes earlier than scheduled. I literally saw it drive past, just as I was exiting Uni, but I thought to myself, no way, can't be?
Even scheduled things, have unexpected outcomes. You can never be too sure about something, although how accurate or fixed it may be. If we can't even depend on something that is meant to be fixed, how can we depend on things which are not fixed in nature?

One step forward, Two steps back.
Ever been stuck in limbo? With no idea what is going on, in an utter state of confusion? With no clue on which direction you're heading, it's like feeing your way in the dark. You can't see what's ahead of you, but you're merely feeling your way through, searching for a glimpse of light, just to find a way out.

It feels like fate is testing us. We’ve yet to have built anything for the fire to test, so how can we withstand the heat? Everyday, all around me, I see artworks, already painted, in fact, as I type this, one is right before my eyes, with the perfect backdrop of the Harbour Bridge and the Opera house. I constantly think to myself, “if only”. There are many “If-s” in the world I have questioned, but this has to be the biggest and greatest yet. I constantly speak as if I've got it all panned out, the future, the expectations, which I shouldn't at all. But I can't help it. It feels so right, yet so wrong. It feels like I'm walking on frozen ice, with every step, i'd feel accomplished of getting that far, but yet at any moment, I could fall right through down under into the great deep unknown. 

Are we getting ahead of ourselves? Are we creating expectations for ourselves that we cannot fulfil? Are we walking into a trap? Are we digging our own graves? Are we making the wrong choices? We make plans that will never happen. We build a future that will never arrive. We create hope, that is only made to be destroyed.

How do you know if you've made the right choice? Let me rephrase that, the right decision. *no one should be made a choice, to be played with, to be hung by a thread, to be falsely lead, to be left with the ultimate fate of being hurt at the end of the day. We're all living in a world of uncertainty. But sometimes uncertainty won't do for some people, but yet some people love it, where they will be filled with surprises. It is really a wonder to find this balance, this satisfaction of just knowing enough but yet not too much. Like a bus. You know it'll come eventually, you just won't know when.

Being so far away, I don't know if I can do this. I can't see, I can't feel, I can't hear. I just want to be there beside him- physically present, to know that everything is going to be okay.



LAST MINUTE
I did the unthinkable and flew back for Kat's birthday. I should've booked in advanced, just like the rest did during SG50 sale period, where most tickets were 60% off!? But anyway, going back was pretty amazing as well. I've had one too many impromptu flight plans this year, and it was honestly pretty exhausting, especially just for 3 days. But I got a few moments of touch that nothing could ever replace, I got to spend Kat's birthday as a family with friends and cousins, and I got to have a good break (actually no, considering I had a Torts assignment due the following week). Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Well don't. I've never stayed up for 39hours straight before, and the experience was pain to the full. Also, don't ever drink red bull. Not only does it taste like cough syrup, it makes you pee, alot. AND don't ever wait till the last minute to print your shit, cos yes, how typical and timely your printer dies on you in the last 30min of submission. Having a marathon to school within 30min is cray, and never again I'll say.

APPROACHING MID-SEM
It's already nearing the end of September, and just 3 months to go till Christmas. And I thought 2014 passed quickly, oh hell, I can't even remember what happened during the semester..
It's reading week now, and mid-sem break next week, and all these were placed for the sole purpose of letting students revise and catch up..but lol is that really gonna happen? heh I highly doubt. I know this but yet I do otherwise. Seriously, uni students. I really do have to work hard though. Before I can even look forward to December, I've got this hurdle to pass.

I pray for all the self-control, determination, and clarity of mind that I can muster, to get through the next 2 months. Oh, lord bless me.

Anyeong

It’s a beautiful night, we’re looking for something dumb to do. 

And I You.

It's really something- to know that someone is thinking of you in the middle of the day.
It's really something- to know that you have become someone worth thinking about in the midst of some mundane chores.
It's really something- to know that you are that someone to him.

REASSURANCE:
is a pretty damn powerful tool. I never knew that that was what it took to change someone's life. To assure them that they're on the right track, that bit of encouragement could go a long way, especially with one who is filled with the potential to grow, mould them into someone so much more. To be that someone to give that reassurance, to change someone's life, make an impact, and perhaps make a difference to this world altogether, is a pretty refreshing feeling. Like if this was what it took to make them smile, to make them want to improve themselves for the better, why not?

To let those tears fall for you, is proof that she has already given you her all. 
You taught me how to love once again. You showed me how it is like to be appreciated. You shed new light to the darkness I faced. You hold my heart now, don't crush it. 



In approximately 1 week, everything will change. For the better, or for the worst, I'll have no regrets. With every cell of my being, I am glad to have met you, to have understood you, to have fallen for you. It won't be pretty, I'm sure. But since when did love come easy? I'll prepare my heart for what is to come. It will be inevitable, something long foreseeable, and there would be nothing we could do about it, but only to wait. Wait for the time that our paths cross once again. If only.

Like I'm gonna lose you.

SCHOOL
is going..pretty well I guess? It's time to get my shit together, organise the house, organise my schedule, organise my thoughts, organise my life. No matter what it takes, i'll have to find this spurt of energy, and determination to get it all sorted. I can't lag behind anymore, before it's all too late. I have to do this for my family, and more importantly, for myself.

anyeong!
"Have I told you how lucky I am to have you in my life." - And I you my dear. 

Mended wings.

CHANGES
were necessary. It had been too long sticking to the old. It is the start of something new.
Gone were the the old pillars of strength and the blogskin/layout. Looking back at my old posts back in '09 or anywhere around that period, were legit cringe worthy. Who the heck spells in short forms like "rite" or "haven" or "tgt". oh bless me. Now that this layout even have the blog titles under archives, it is even more cringe worthy :p Please don't judge, I was p5/6 that had apparently no IQ or EQ heh..

BROKEN WINGS
it's been way too long. It has gotten to a point where i've forgotten what it felt like to be to be free. In fact, I thought it would be nearly impossible to feel this again. Like a bird with broken wings, I fell into a hole, where only darkness and loneliness surrounded me. I had no choice but to learn how to embrace them, amongst other things, trying to find the light that would save me. I was blinded by darkness, led to believe that I had no way of escaping, that I was forced to remain pathetic and helpless, forever depending on the fact that one day someone will come and save me. Somehow the idea that I had to depend on that someone to save me to see the light once again, remained in my head for such a long time, that I didn't bother looking for any alternatives. I assumed that one day that person would remember me and come back, so I waited, and waited. I was so foolish and pathetic to wait for someone so long, someone who didn't care if i existed or not, someone who took me for granted, dragged me by the string, through the mud. Only did I realise that he was dragging other strings as well, that I decided to stop this foolish thinking of mine.

In this cruel world, no one will help you only if you help yourself first. People are fighting for survival, and if you don't make an effort to fight, you'll drown sooner or later. I did it for myself, to have no more burdens, and once I realised that, I took the shards out of my broken wings, one by one, and day by day, soon, I was able to spread my wings and reach for the sky, to see the light, and have clarity once again.



WAIT FOR ME?
Some people look for love. Others wait for it. I forget about it altogether, for I believe if the right one comes by, he'll remind you of what love is again, and help you to trust it again.
Everything happens for a reason yes? I believe in fate. If we cross paths, we cross paths. If not, we don't. Sometimes two persons could be so similar but yet their paths travel parallel, never meeting. I was just lucky enough to have my path crossed with him. Just when I let go of that someone, and just when I thought there wasn't anyone else that could make me feel this way again, to make me believe in myself, he came along. I was actually perfectly fine with the whole "I may not have this feeling again for a long long time" part, but somehow fate has funny ways of surprising us right round the corner. I'm not even sure of this feeling yet, perhaps even still on unstable shaky grounds,  but it is the start of something new. But as always, when something goes well, there will forever be some obstruction, as if fate shoving it in our faces, to remind us that happiness don't come easy, we have to work for it. Distance is a funny thing, but worst than that, is time.

DISTANCE AND TIME
To be flown half way around the world, how does one maintain that connection? It is one thing to have determination, but to be exposed to other foreign influences, it will be detrimental, and perhaps even hopeless.

For now, I guess it is only wise to treasure what we have, before the time comes when we have to split ways, even on the basis of just a friendship. Although I know what we have is temporary, it pains me to know what is to come. Occasional holiday breaks will be my only salvation, that is, if this bond is anything, but temporary.

Here's to new friendships that saved me.

anyeong!

big girls cry when their hearts are breaking.

Three goodbyes.

Surprise surprise- guess who finally changed her blogskin after 1001 years. (Hopefully nik finds this more pleasing to the eyes yes?) This change is definitely for the better.



STARTING AFRESH.
Sometimes it's pretty hard to think about what is good for you and what is not. What you have to cut off, and what you should hold unto. Just like when a doctor have to make a decision if a wound can be cured, or if it is beyond all hope and have to be amputated. If not, the infection will spread, and it will harm you in the long run. These are not decisions we like to make, but ones we have to make- for our own good, overall.

Water Under the Bridge?
All my life I've always been on the side that wants to salvage the infection- the situation, always looking for an alternative, the last hope, that could save that last straw. I've never been someone to hate. Sooner or later there will be some "drifting apart", or some to the point of just strangers, but never to the extent of pure shame, disappointment or hatred that I have decided to make this stand. This stand of having enough, putting my foot down and finally making a decision for myself, to cut off the ropes that i've held on for far too long- ropes that were hurting my hands. These bridges that were held on by such frail ropes, it's time to let go. Bridges were built originally to connect two masses. How a bridge is built is from both ends, such that the completion of it would require the coordination and compliance from both sides, not just one. However, the sad part is that the destruction of one could be from either end, and this time it is from my end. I've thought long and hard, and this was not something I managed to decide overnight. It was more of over the years, the threads frailed, and the ropes thinned, allowing the very foundation holding the bridges to waver.

Burning Bridges;
Did I want this to happen? Of course not. Did I foresee this happening? Most definitely not. But I'm already at my last straw, what can I do anymore? Moreover, these are the friendships I used to depend on all the time. I thought they were the strongest, the most sturdiest, the most dependent. I don't know what to do anymore. Now, it would've been so much better if I were to be burning one bridge at a time. And then I would've been able to talk to the other two about it. But nup, somehow fate or some voice in my head just decides to burn all three at one go. Sounds like some 3-in-1 coffee lol. Three- funny how influence comes in threes: Goldilocks and the three bears, Three little pigs, the three sisters, the three musketeers, three blind mice, three billy goats gruff...

I don't even know how I should feel about this. Sad? Relieved? Most definitely unexpected. I'll take this one day at a time. I can't afford to hold onto something that don't even pause to think of what I have to say. Do you expect me to always think of things to suit your needs? I am done pleasing such people, I'm done wasting my time and energy on those who don't give a second thought about me. It is impossible for me to have such energy to sustain such relationships that are toxic to my well-being at the end of the day. I'm done.

Haha, on the side note, some may think I'm being immature and ridiculous, and I speak as if I've already lived a hundred years. But I'm not claiming to have the wisdom of an oak tree to speak of a phrase "all my life", so some may think I'm just speaking nonsense, barely 1/4 of full age and already filled with ignorance, or some insult like that. If you're thinking that, you're most probably one of the bridges I had already decided to burn. People like you, is why people like me get sick of your arrogance and have decided to cut you off. And those who still hold on, are those who pity you, those who still require your service/money, or those who are same like you.

I'm finally able to hold my head up high. I won't be dragged down no more.
It's weird how this burden has finally been laid down (off). This change is definitely for the better.

anyeong (:

Changes, to move forward- building on the new. 

The Longshot.

It's already the end of June. I don't know the theory behind how time flies. But when someone figures that out, please give me a call yeah? To think just a year ago I was talking about how fast the semester goes, but in fact time had zoomed past even faster this year. I didn't even feel that I finished even a month. Where did all those weeks go? What were those valuable hours used for/on? You never really appreciate something until they are gone.

EXAMS ARE FINALLY OVER
After 3 torturous weeks, it has finally come to an end. It was a legit roller coaster, and just like the feeling of getting off one, it was exhilarating, and I am definitely glad I got it over and done with, but in no mood of returning to that state any time soon. I'm mentally drained, completely. 3 weeks: although grateful to the "extra study time", it is way too long. I'll need a pretty long break to recover I think.

Uni exams are really brought to a whole new level. I'm not sure if I'm just pure stupid, but I actually struggled with all my 4 courses this sem? Or Uni kids are just really smart. Haiz, giving myself the benefit of the doubt lol.. Like I wasn't even 100% confident with the easiest subject- Micro. Accounting, the subject that everyone loves and call it "easy peasy", I find it difficult. Oh lord. Then there goes Stats. I had about 7 days to prepare for it, and I had never felt so sian in my life to study a certain topic. This was due to the main reason that I had NO freaking idea what I had to study, I did not know what I didn't know, I didn't know the type of questions, I did not know the formulas to apply..basically I was screwed. During those 7 days I thought that I was going crazy. I had never felt so useless and hopeless in my life. I thought to myself, "I'd rather study law than this hopeless subject."..Then came the day when I eventually had to sit down and study law. Oh. My. Freaking. God. Nothing comes easy I assure you. I slacked a bit in the first 3 days. But my last 3 days up to the exam were the most intensive studying hours of my entire life. I have never sat down in one spot from 10am- 8pm (with a 30min lunch break) studying my ass off trying to understand what was required of me. My attitude towards Law was pretty much the same as Stats: Clueless. The only difference was that Law had a structure, step-by-step kind of thing, that allowed me to at least understand each chapter through something called the English language. Then again, some of it were in Latin..so..LOL. But the paper went horribly- 20min for a 2x20m Essay question? HD here I come.

Through these past weeks, the only thing I realised was that whatever I studied..absolutely did not come out. Or rather what I focused on, did not come out. Do you know how sian that feels.... How could I be so spot on for all subjects to be so zun and miss it completely? I don't know. I guess I possess such talent.

HOLIDAYS
Finally, let the holidays begin. This will really be a much needed rest. Absolutely drained. Super duper excited to return to SG for all the international people from all corners of the earth are finally united in SG YAAAAAAYYYY super eggcited (: Super miss all these lovables. It is so hard to appreciate true friendship here. Only a handful lasts here. Super super grateful to those back in SG (:

FINAL THOUGHTS
I've officially given up..about 2 weeks ago. It's alright, I've come clean. Unbelievable I know, I even doubt myself up until this second, but..I think it's time. It really has been too long. I really need to take this chance to start anew, to find myself, to find my footing on other things. It's a wakeup call. It's the real deal. One step forward two steps back no more. I'm grateful for her, for without her I would not have seen what laid beneath. I would've been still delusion-ised until today. It's like, I'm back to square 1, but this time, with one less baggage. It's a lighter feeling. No more worries, no concerns or problems I need to bother myself with.

I'm finally free.
I know it is a longshot.

anyeong (:

--300th post omg. dedicated to those who survived the exams, and to those who still follow this rubbish-ranting-small-font-about-to-lose-my-eyesight blog, who bother to still stay updated with my mundane life even after 6 years (: lots of love for you (: