Three goodbyes.

Surprise surprise- guess who finally changed her blogskin after 1001 years. (Hopefully nik finds this more pleasing to the eyes yes?) This change is definitely for the better.



STARTING AFRESH.
Sometimes it's pretty hard to think about what is good for you and what is not. What you have to cut off, and what you should hold unto. Just like when a doctor have to make a decision if a wound can be cured, or if it is beyond all hope and have to be amputated. If not, the infection will spread, and it will harm you in the long run. These are not decisions we like to make, but ones we have to make- for our own good, overall.

Water Under the Bridge?
All my life I've always been on the side that wants to salvage the infection- the situation, always looking for an alternative, the last hope, that could save that last straw. I've never been someone to hate. Sooner or later there will be some "drifting apart", or some to the point of just strangers, but never to the extent of pure shame, disappointment or hatred that I have decided to make this stand. This stand of having enough, putting my foot down and finally making a decision for myself, to cut off the ropes that i've held on for far too long- ropes that were hurting my hands. These bridges that were held on by such frail ropes, it's time to let go. Bridges were built originally to connect two masses. How a bridge is built is from both ends, such that the completion of it would require the coordination and compliance from both sides, not just one. However, the sad part is that the destruction of one could be from either end, and this time it is from my end. I've thought long and hard, and this was not something I managed to decide overnight. It was more of over the years, the threads frailed, and the ropes thinned, allowing the very foundation holding the bridges to waver.

Burning Bridges;
Did I want this to happen? Of course not. Did I foresee this happening? Most definitely not. But I'm already at my last straw, what can I do anymore? Moreover, these are the friendships I used to depend on all the time. I thought they were the strongest, the most sturdiest, the most dependent. I don't know what to do anymore. Now, it would've been so much better if I were to be burning one bridge at a time. And then I would've been able to talk to the other two about it. But nup, somehow fate or some voice in my head just decides to burn all three at one go. Sounds like some 3-in-1 coffee lol. Three- funny how influence comes in threes: Goldilocks and the three bears, Three little pigs, the three sisters, the three musketeers, three blind mice, three billy goats gruff...

I don't even know how I should feel about this. Sad? Relieved? Most definitely unexpected. I'll take this one day at a time. I can't afford to hold onto something that don't even pause to think of what I have to say. Do you expect me to always think of things to suit your needs? I am done pleasing such people, I'm done wasting my time and energy on those who don't give a second thought about me. It is impossible for me to have such energy to sustain such relationships that are toxic to my well-being at the end of the day. I'm done.

Haha, on the side note, some may think I'm being immature and ridiculous, and I speak as if I've already lived a hundred years. But I'm not claiming to have the wisdom of an oak tree to speak of a phrase "all my life", so some may think I'm just speaking nonsense, barely 1/4 of full age and already filled with ignorance, or some insult like that. If you're thinking that, you're most probably one of the bridges I had already decided to burn. People like you, is why people like me get sick of your arrogance and have decided to cut you off. And those who still hold on, are those who pity you, those who still require your service/money, or those who are same like you.

I'm finally able to hold my head up high. I won't be dragged down no more.
It's weird how this burden has finally been laid down (off). This change is definitely for the better.

anyeong (:

Changes, to move forward- building on the new. 

The Longshot.

It's already the end of June. I don't know the theory behind how time flies. But when someone figures that out, please give me a call yeah? To think just a year ago I was talking about how fast the semester goes, but in fact time had zoomed past even faster this year. I didn't even feel that I finished even a month. Where did all those weeks go? What were those valuable hours used for/on? You never really appreciate something until they are gone.

EXAMS ARE FINALLY OVER
After 3 torturous weeks, it has finally come to an end. It was a legit roller coaster, and just like the feeling of getting off one, it was exhilarating, and I am definitely glad I got it over and done with, but in no mood of returning to that state any time soon. I'm mentally drained, completely. 3 weeks: although grateful to the "extra study time", it is way too long. I'll need a pretty long break to recover I think.

Uni exams are really brought to a whole new level. I'm not sure if I'm just pure stupid, but I actually struggled with all my 4 courses this sem? Or Uni kids are just really smart. Haiz, giving myself the benefit of the doubt lol.. Like I wasn't even 100% confident with the easiest subject- Micro. Accounting, the subject that everyone loves and call it "easy peasy", I find it difficult. Oh lord. Then there goes Stats. I had about 7 days to prepare for it, and I had never felt so sian in my life to study a certain topic. This was due to the main reason that I had NO freaking idea what I had to study, I did not know what I didn't know, I didn't know the type of questions, I did not know the formulas to apply..basically I was screwed. During those 7 days I thought that I was going crazy. I had never felt so useless and hopeless in my life. I thought to myself, "I'd rather study law than this hopeless subject."..Then came the day when I eventually had to sit down and study law. Oh. My. Freaking. God. Nothing comes easy I assure you. I slacked a bit in the first 3 days. But my last 3 days up to the exam were the most intensive studying hours of my entire life. I have never sat down in one spot from 10am- 8pm (with a 30min lunch break) studying my ass off trying to understand what was required of me. My attitude towards Law was pretty much the same as Stats: Clueless. The only difference was that Law had a structure, step-by-step kind of thing, that allowed me to at least understand each chapter through something called the English language. Then again, some of it were in Latin..so..LOL. But the paper went horribly- 20min for a 2x20m Essay question? HD here I come.

Through these past weeks, the only thing I realised was that whatever I studied..absolutely did not come out. Or rather what I focused on, did not come out. Do you know how sian that feels.... How could I be so spot on for all subjects to be so zun and miss it completely? I don't know. I guess I possess such talent.

HOLIDAYS
Finally, let the holidays begin. This will really be a much needed rest. Absolutely drained. Super duper excited to return to SG for all the international people from all corners of the earth are finally united in SG YAAAAAAYYYY super eggcited (: Super miss all these lovables. It is so hard to appreciate true friendship here. Only a handful lasts here. Super super grateful to those back in SG (:

FINAL THOUGHTS
I've officially given up..about 2 weeks ago. It's alright, I've come clean. Unbelievable I know, I even doubt myself up until this second, but..I think it's time. It really has been too long. I really need to take this chance to start anew, to find myself, to find my footing on other things. It's a wakeup call. It's the real deal. One step forward two steps back no more. I'm grateful for her, for without her I would not have seen what laid beneath. I would've been still delusion-ised until today. It's like, I'm back to square 1, but this time, with one less baggage. It's a lighter feeling. No more worries, no concerns or problems I need to bother myself with.

I'm finally free.
I know it is a longshot.

anyeong (:

--300th post omg. dedicated to those who survived the exams, and to those who still follow this rubbish-ranting-small-font-about-to-lose-my-eyesight blog, who bother to still stay updated with my mundane life even after 6 years (: lots of love for you (:

Proud to be.

I went with my gut, I gave in, but who ever said giving in to what your heart wants would be a bad thing? I live in this temporary bliss.




I HAVE FINALS TOMORROW AND LIKE WTF AM I DOING BLOGGING? Well let me tell you why, it's because of the bloody construction going on 2 levels above, and yes even through such thickness I can still hear the prominent drilling and knocking FOR THE PAST 2 FKING MONTHS. LIKE BITCH WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BUILDING, THE TAJ MAHAL?! OR THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA?!?!

Okay, I really try to calm down and be all civil about it..but c'mon 1 week or so i'm good. But my patience can only hold on for so long.. and 2 months of constant drilling starting from 845 is PURE TORTURE. It got so bad that last night when I was heading to bed at 245, I actually thought of staying up to study till 845, so I can have peace, and just get some sleep when the drilling starts.

Enough of drilling, what I need to do is get some information drilled into my head instead. I'm at this point where I'm reading, studying, but i'm not exactly sure if anything is going through?

SEAGAMES 2015
Oh my lord, I wasn't suppose to follow the Games so closely this year such that i'll know who won what, BUT IT WAS AMAZING. Swimming was harvesting the Golds day in day out, hitting our 50th Gold for SG%) just 2 days ago by Tao Li, and getting our 51st by Zheng Wen. And omg don't even get me started on the Women 4x200m Free Relay. I nearly died watching- we were losing by like 5m (+1.56) even till the last 200m, but Ting Wen caught up in the last 50m. LIKE THE LAST FRICKIN LAP. Now I don't know what you wanna call last minute, but that was literally the last torturous minute of my life. Even with the time difference and distance, thanks to the advancement of technology called Youtube Live streaming, I got to feel the excitement in the comfort of my own room. But you could imagine if I was feeling that alone as 1 person, what more to be with your team in a stadium filled with thousands of people screaming their heads off cheering team SG on.



And more often than enough, I only get inspired by people I know personally; could be a close friend, a childhood buddy, a talented relative or something, but after watching that race, it was my first time being super inspired by someone I did not know personally: Ting Wen. To have felt that inspiration even through a computer screen, it was really overwhelming. It was to the point that I even felt inspired to return to swimming LOL. I don't know, but to have so many friends participating in the Games this year, really made me want to be part of the whole seagames fananza.

Half way through the prize ceremony, the sound system died, and though there was an awkward silence for 5s, the crowd started singing the national anthem acapella. It was amazing, to the point that I was so proud to be a Singaporean?! The feels I tell you. (@ 4:58)



FINALS
now let the real games begin. I really don't know how i'm gonna survive this, but I have to right? Just 3 weeks. 3 more weeks till freedom. I can do this omg. My lack of confidence these few weeks is really getting to me. But I still feel super lost? But yesterday I went through my calling spree, and it was really much needed laughter. Be it 1min, 5min, 30min or even 2h, THANK YOU GUYS FOR MAKING MY NIGHT. May have wasted time, time I could've spent sleeping, or studying, but it was time worth wasting.

DEPENDENCY
How do you depend on someone? How do you know you can depend on them? Reassurance?

anyeong! (:
This glimmer of hope I hold onto, is it temporary? Or forever?

Missing Puzzle Piece.

HELLO THERE JUNE.
I thought i missed a month, omg i'll be so sad HAHA.

How fast this year has gone..its already mid year...

Just like last year, I feel that this year have flew past. Though this time, not as if like a blur, but kinda made the most of the time, more than the last time at least. It's different. Different good.
Although I hate being dragged out as it means opportunity cost of lazing around- yes i am a potato and i like being one; I'm kinda thankful to my sister for doing it, because once she goes back, not in the worlds name that I myself will go exploring alone. Like i can shop alone sure, but getting lost alone is another matter HAHA. Solitude yay or nay?

EXAMS
are here. In exactly 1 week and 4 days, i'm sitting for my first paper--> and i didn't know this at the start of the year, but micro is an MCQ paper?!?!?! HAHAHAHA sorry, feel my excitement? there's a 25% chance i'll pass no matter what HAHAHA. just the thought of it is quite amusing. then comes accounting oh god..EVERYONE I KNOW- even the blondes SAYS ITS EZPZ 123 LIKE WHAT. Am I the only blur one that doesn't know which journals goes where and bla bla bla? And this exam torture is going to go on for the next 13 days....but being spread over 3 weeks like what even AAAAHHHHH idk I'm just so numb from all the stress... In fact i don't even know if what i'm feeling is stress. lol.

LUCID DREAMS
I'm having those dreams again. I don't like them. Or rather, I like them so much that I hate it because it gives me false hope. False hopes of the future that will never ever materialise. So why do I keep letting myself go through something that is so emotionally draining and mentally abusive...

I'm facing this dilemma, to give in to what my heart wants, or to hold on to what little dignity i have left. If you have left someone twice, not once, wouldn't it be reasonable for me to put up some barrier to protect myself? After all these years, I'll be such a fool to go crawling back. I'll be such a fool. But will I be a fool for you? Heh, once bitten, twice shy, three times a fool. Or rather, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me; but fool me thrice, i'm an idiot and you're a jerk. I'll build up walls. That's what i'll do. Someone better come with a fking wrecking ball to save me before you do.

On the side note: i've stopped writing in my dream journal. I kinda need to find something to write. Something worth to write, not something that would leave me helpless and vulnerable. Something inspiring, something that would be worth looking back on.



FLASHBACK 1 MONTH AGO
the unexpected happened, took a turn, and came at us just when everyone was set to depart, we were all called back. We booked a flight within an hour of the news, packed our bags, and we were out within the next 12 hours. My grandfather was a man of few words; he didn't speak much, but he always smiled no matter what. Even when you were having a bad day, you could just look to him and he will just give you a smile as if saying, everything will be okay. I still find it so surreal. That his passing did not happen. That in some parallel world he is still here with us, watching his tv and smiling whenever he saw us. He had just placed the pacemaker in his heart, but within 24h he was gone. So tell me this, the $15k spent on the pacemaker fails, my grandfather is gone, but the pacemaker is removed and being recycled to another unsuspecting victim. You get my drift? In this messed up world, for the greed of money, people are willing to give you that false sense of security despite knowing what the end will be. Fking negligence.

FUN FACT:
People say everything happens for a reason. But you realise the majority of those "people" refers to women who try to find lessons to lessen the pain they are going through. We emotional creatures require that "net" to cushion our fall. But how can we justify this if we just say it for the sake of our own emotional being? Wouldn't that be biased?

And i'm out- praying i survive this turmoil for the next month. One month. That's all. WHOOOO EGGCITED

anyeong ~

Momentary happiness.

-rant post-

And what I meant is, for a night. Right now, the clock reads 12:43. THE EARLIEST TIME I'M DONE WITH WORK. Like legit, finally for once i've finished what I wanted to do, what I planned out. Maybe also due to the fact that I sacrificed my last weekend sleeping at 3 finishing accounting homework- intentionally, to make my wednesday free to focus on my assignments, tests and projects due. I guess this is one example to learn that if you complete your homework early, you'll feel much more free and relaxed. I mean duh common sense, but I never really thought much about it, and left things to the last minute. I have literally not felt this relaxed in forever. (hehe I had a 100% on my 1203 fortnightly quiz (: ...for once. Also much needed to pull up my average mark..) So yes, I'm in this temporary state of happiness, where I don't have to worry. But then, reality kicks in once the sun rises tomorrow...finishing or rather understanding my case for my case note assignment will definitely be a pain.

BURDEN.
The assignments, projects, quizzes, in-class tests and homework just never ends. It piles on top of each other, creating this heavy burden on my mind. Constantly occupying my idle thoughts of the day, stressing me, just simply frustrating me. Super thankful to Calvina tonight for helping with the quiz, or I definitely would NOT have finished the quiz by now, and perhaps even pushing it to tomorrow.. I just hope I have the strength to push on. I mean, sure encouragement will always be there, friends- always trying to encourage you, family- hoping the best, yourself- wanting to survive this torturous routine. Just two more weeks for all the deadlines to be due, for all the in-class tests to be over, and hopefully by then i'll get my footing back, and go full force for the final exam. I'm really determined to do well, I may procrastinate my ass off, but perhaps that's why people say I work best under pressure. Maybe.

I'm just so tired.
of my sleeping cycle, of school.
I can't understand how other people have it better. "It" basically referring to "life". They have brains, looks, character, and here I am just trying to be a potato. Like does this make any sense? Some people try harder than others, but even then, they may not get the same outcome. You say life is fair. I say its not justified.
Lol, I'm just being a spoilt b*tch right now, please excuse me. But I'm legit tired. While others are out there partying their ass off, they somehow by some weirdass miracle, still score a HD. Here I am just barely trying to keep my head above water, how are they able to afford to do shit like that?

I guess, the only thing to lift my mundane routine up is just to be happy with the present. Not look at the future for it WILL be depressing. Not look at the past for there will be memories of what you have done and what you SHOULD HAVE done. Present. Live in the moment.



For now, I will just focus on keeping my head above water, living in the present, appreciate the moment before it passes, and finally, to take on each hurdle one step at a time.


anyeong~

Belief, Relief.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. Like right now at this instance. Only because I've finally finished my much dreaded ECON1203 quiz that I did badly in for the first week. But this week I did..actually pretty well I must say HAHA. So you know how people say don't be too sad if you don't do well the first time you'll do better the next? Yep, I finally understand that feeling- short term of course. I'm sure i'll mess it up again in the following weeks to come, but for now, just bask in my "accomplishment' of 80% (: HAHA



RELIEVED OR STRESSED?
I mean don't get me wrong, i'm still stressed af, with readings piling up and undone revision. But for now, easter break is finally here. You have no idea how much I was looking forward to this week. Even on the last week, I couldn't care much about classes. I was just really excited to have this rest, before the mundane routine starts once again. For now, I can finally breathe. I can finally think clearly. Its like that small glimpse of light you see when you're exiting a tunnel- that small glimmer of hope. I actually think I have a chance to pick myself back up. Now with that, I really hope to keep that motivation and determination to get back on my feet. I hope it won't die out just like how the rain is dampening all our moods for the past two days, putting out the easter spirit. Point is, I really can't give up. But I need to find that balance. To enjoy what I'm studying, while still having fun.

This break is really all about clearing my mind and finding that balance. Speaking of which, I really need a Mac ASAP. Here I am in class scrambling to take down whatever the teacher is talking about (at bullet train speed mind you), hand cramping up, pen slipping from my hand, words slowly becoming incoherent and page running out of space. Moral of the story, I REALLY NEED A COMPUTER. Gosh, how spoilt I sound LOL, and I'm ashamed to say I'm part of that generation that depend too much on technology. The thing about technology- although it connects people around the world, it separates those who are right beside you. Now why do we spend so much time connecting with strangers we don't even know and don't even make an effort to connect with our loved ones? Quite peculiar human behaviour don't you think?

LKY 2015
I'm sad to say that our First Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew has passed on. In all honesty, I did not know Mr Lee. I just knew him as some figurehead that appeared in our Social Studies textbooks, one of our "founding fathers" as to call it. I never knew his contributions other than the mere founding of PAP. He is one of our greatest leaders who built Singapore into what it is today. But you see, I never questioned how Singapore got here, I just assumed it just is. I never thought to thank the people behind the scenes, I just took my comfortable living for granted. It is ironic how we show the most gratitude only after the passing of the living.

"Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because the regret is stronger than the gratitude." -Anne Frank's Diary

When things don't go our way, we ask why. But when it does, we don't question anything. Its as if we expect life to suit our needs. Is that what living is about? Why should we expect convenience and happiness to be served to us on a silver platter? Lots of hope, lots of "ifs". There I go questioning life again. Oh lord bless me.

I realised I'm pretty drawn to mysterious people. People who I can't read. Because those are the ones that intrigues me to find out what's under that "calm and composed" exterior. Haha, I should just change my major to Pyschology (I actually wouldn't mind, if only eh?)

anyeong!

I'll crack that shell one day, I'll peel the layers off, one by one. 

Facade.

You know how you think you've mapped out your thoughts, your feelings, your life, and suddenly, its as if fate or life just loves to fk with us so they just screw it all up and laugh at us while we scramble to gather all that's left? Well, story of my life. I need organisation, I need a plan. You fk it up I'm literally screwed. Having a mental breakdown in the middle of a public bus wasn't exactly how I pictured it to be, but at least I was ignored and left to myself to drown in my pity and sorrows.

WEEK 2-3
Real messed up. Real real messed up. I've never felt more broken and vulnerable in my life before. No, not because of romance cos fk that, I'm so over it. Its like you invest so much time into attempting to maintain one, only to have it crash and burn right before your eyes. So cheers to that. Hence, I turn to my next most reliable and most important thing in my life( other than family), education (lol, bummer, I didn't say you). Have you ever started to question if you're making the right decisions in life? It was one thing to feel stressed, but another to feel like i'm so lost, not knowing what in the world was going on, having absolutely no control of my life, that is the worst feeling ever. I really don't know what to do. To be surrounded by so many people, so many loved ones, but yet you feel alone. They try to understand, they really do, and I appreciate that, but sometimes its just not possible to understand what I'm going through. I make it sound like its some bigass problem and issue and you may think I'm foolish, but sometimes your insecurities and doubts eat into you.

FALSE EXPECTATIONS
it'll forever be there. I expect this and that turns out. Oh great, forever being disappointed. Hence, we come up with this phrase called "expect nothing". But how can I do that? It is in our human nature to have some sort of expectations, some sort of standard we hope to achieve some day. Unrealistic expectations of ourselves and of others; purely inevitable. Hope and unrealistic, such words that complement each other.

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"Yes there are people who are greater than her. There are people who are more attractive, more intelligent, more caring, and more fortunate. That's life- full of temptations. But don't be deceived by those things. Because didn't you realise that there are people who are also greater than you? Yet, she chose you."
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TEMPTATIONS
the root of all evil. or not. This is where you test if you got your moral compass in the right direction. Then again, what is right anymore? Something that buds from a seed- it starts of small, but as you water it, it grows, into something larger, and it wont stop, unless you stop watering it altogether, and leave it to die. But what if you want it to stop, but yet don't? Is there a pause button? No. There's no pause button in life. You're at a fork, and you've gotta decide if you want to go right or left. Once your decision is made, there's no turning back. Do it and regret? Maybe. But do it and prosper? Maybe. Now it just all comes down to sacrifice doesn't it? Are you willing to give up something you hold so dear to yourself, for temptations. Are you considered weak if you can't resist?

anyeong.

How do you create a facade to protect your personal identity so that you won't lose yourself in the rest of the world?