For once, I actually missed my monthly post. Kinda itching me that I did, but its done anyway, but I had a pretty good reason for it. If anything, January was the very definition to starting the year off with a bang. The things that I have seen, experienced in a year, all squished into a month. It was one heck of a ride, and although it was great fun, its time to settle down. I've about another 3 weeks or so to get my mindset settled and put into the school mode. Seriously cannot see myself getting out of this vacation mood. Simply too relaxed, and even just the idea of going back to school haunts me.
January was crazy. Why you say? I did my first solo trip to UK! Well not exactly fully solo, because i had lovely people from the very start, and when i mean very start, I mean from the moment I stepped onto English grounds at Heathrow Airport, to the city and all for a good 5 days. My journey to Nottingham was alone, but I couldn't depend on people through the whole way could I? Had to grow some independence ;) It was chilly, but the cold didn't matter when you had people around you who cared to warm your heart. A special shout out to Kitty Kat for taking care of me the last 7 days around UK, from booking our accommodation, to train tickets, and to even food reservation and of course for putting up with my constant whining. Without her, I definitely would not have survived.
There are many things in life that I do in fact regret, and some things I know I ought to have some sort of regret. But this time, what I should be regretting, shan't be. And what I thought could have been done, won't be done. For I know, whatever happened, is only what can be called a lesson learnt. In fact, I can confidently say, no ragrats.
Sometimes you question yourself, "Why?", when really the true question is "Why not?".
There will be countless things that happen in life that did not go according to plan, and sometimes for the worst or for the best. But for most times, we will only focus on the bad, and remember the failures. It could be human nature to focus on the bad or whatever it is that did not go according to plan or our expectation, hence we frown upon it. But since when did we have to frown upon something just because we did not expect it or it is not "the norm"?
I'm not saying to go about everything with a YOLO attitude or something, but you can't cry over spilt milk, it is the past. The past is history, the future is mystery. If you ask yourself the question "Why not?", it switches your whole perspective on appreciation and opens your mind to be more accepting of those who do things out of the norm. So be afraid. But be afraid, and then do it anyway.
Just like those people who choose to see whether a glass of water is half empty or half filled.
Life is too short not to take chances.
Just like taking on the SSA Boomerang Camp 2016, the morning after we arrived from UK, people may think I was crazy, but really, it was the exposure, the experience and the memories makes the craziness within seem all worth it. I was of course the youngest of the lot, and my OGlings all call me a kid when in fact they are my kids, but really games and all covered despite the tiredness, it was great fun. It is different when you are a third person overseeing the camp rather than being involved. You are able to differentiate a leader from a follower, passion from compassion. And through it all, you learn more about yourself, and from those around you as well.
Sometimes the consequences or the cost it will take when you make a particular decision scare the shit out of me, but at the end of the day, you look back, and think what you have gained, not the losses. Even so, if the gains outweighs the loss, then, why not? Obviously this does not include jumping off the Harbour Bridge or something that extreme, but its the sort of risk that is still reasonable and within the "humane spectrum" of things yknow?
Do it to do it, not to have done it.
Anyeong! (:
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
It clicked.
It's crazy how things can change just within a year. Screw that, how things can change within a month. This time last year, things were very different
SCHOOL
Firstly, it may have felt like it happened super duper long ago, but it was only a year ago that i completed foundation year. I can't even remember the last time i was worrying about the Binomial Theorem, or whether you click V or H Lookup for computer class. If I thought foundation year past fast, first year uni definitely was the very definition of lightning speed.
Looking back, how was school? Did i regret any of the things this year? What can be improved? What can I learn? In terms of exposure, i've definitely met more people from different walks of life, made some local white friends (which is not me being racist by pointing out their colour, but just that i never saw myself clicking with them), found so many more friendships that I can depend on and laugh with till my stomach ached, and formed bonds that can never be broken. I guess the only thing I do regret is not going out enough. But comparing from last year, i definitely had an improvement, just that now, i'd like to venture to new places, instead of going back to the old. And another regret, is obviously not paying attention in both my accounting and QA classes heh. I realised that the amount of effort you put in, is really the grade you get. and I really got what i deserved lol. Yes, i had last minute 100% effort, but I think what I should be really striving for is consistent effort. WHOOSH. Okay, knowing this, next sem I really have to up my game. With only 1 law subject but already taking up majority of my time and "burden", I'm not sure what I am going to do with 2 next year. But, I really have to suck it up and give it my all. The singapore education system did not train me for nothing.
Weirdly speaking, "next year" is literally in 2 days. I can't even.
THE SOUL
I don't even know where to start with what is going on with me and my heart in the past month. At the start of the 5 months, where we wanted to just "give it a try", in my heart, honestly speaking, I was like "no go. definitely no go." And even through that period, there were days I just felt like the worst, felt like giving up, and constantly asked myself, if this was worth it. This was me committing to someone I barely knew, I only met once, and knew for 4 days, someone who was a stranger just 6 months ago. The amount of trust i gave was definitely questionable, but yet unconditional and somehow, felt right. I didn't know what it was, but I gave it my all, without thinking of the consequences. I took the leap of faith. And I'm glad I did, because after 5 months of waiting. I must say it was worth it. All worth it. Was my Europe trip with Kat worth the sacrifice as well? I must say. Yes. I know where comes a chance, I will travel again. But nothing would be able to replace this December. I'm thankful for the things that happened, and the things that did not. For whatever I have up till today would not have happened if not for the good and the bad. So to those who broke my heart or messed with my feelings, thank you for making me appreciate those who won't take things for granted. To those who never trusted distance, thank you for making me appreciate closeness so much more. And finally to those who ran when they feared, thank you for making me see and appreciate those who stayed.
Have you ever just looked at something, and it just clicks in you, and you just know. That in that moment you were infinite. You wish that moment would last forever, cos' everything was just right. It is like a sudden struck of realisation, but yet also a peace of mind, and warmth of the heart. It was as if I could die there and then, but still leave this earth a happy woman with no regrets. It was as if, I could give my heart up in that instant, and let it be torn to pieces, and I wouldn't even care, cos' that was just how much I was willing to take the risk, the leap of faith, to trust.
Everything happens for a reason. People come into your life, some come and leave, while some stay. But the bottom-line is, each person come with a story, and it is through them we learn what we want, who we want to become, and how we want to live our lives with the values and lessons learned.
I don't know what the future holds, and I definitely can't say it will be easy. But together with faith and trust, I trust that as long as we embark on this journey together, fear of insecurity and distance will be overcome as long as we have the willingness and determination to try. As long as we try. That is all that matters right? We don't give up hope. We give up despair and unrealistic expectations. We give in to faith and trust.
Here's to a new year, with a new me, and a new goal.
Anyeong,
may all have a blessed new year (:
How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. - Winnie the Pooh
SCHOOL
Firstly, it may have felt like it happened super duper long ago, but it was only a year ago that i completed foundation year. I can't even remember the last time i was worrying about the Binomial Theorem, or whether you click V or H Lookup for computer class. If I thought foundation year past fast, first year uni definitely was the very definition of lightning speed.
Looking back, how was school? Did i regret any of the things this year? What can be improved? What can I learn? In terms of exposure, i've definitely met more people from different walks of life, made some local white friends (which is not me being racist by pointing out their colour, but just that i never saw myself clicking with them), found so many more friendships that I can depend on and laugh with till my stomach ached, and formed bonds that can never be broken. I guess the only thing I do regret is not going out enough. But comparing from last year, i definitely had an improvement, just that now, i'd like to venture to new places, instead of going back to the old. And another regret, is obviously not paying attention in both my accounting and QA classes heh. I realised that the amount of effort you put in, is really the grade you get. and I really got what i deserved lol. Yes, i had last minute 100% effort, but I think what I should be really striving for is consistent effort. WHOOSH. Okay, knowing this, next sem I really have to up my game. With only 1 law subject but already taking up majority of my time and "burden", I'm not sure what I am going to do with 2 next year. But, I really have to suck it up and give it my all. The singapore education system did not train me for nothing.
Weirdly speaking, "next year" is literally in 2 days. I can't even.
THE SOUL
I don't even know where to start with what is going on with me and my heart in the past month. At the start of the 5 months, where we wanted to just "give it a try", in my heart, honestly speaking, I was like "no go. definitely no go." And even through that period, there were days I just felt like the worst, felt like giving up, and constantly asked myself, if this was worth it. This was me committing to someone I barely knew, I only met once, and knew for 4 days, someone who was a stranger just 6 months ago. The amount of trust i gave was definitely questionable, but yet unconditional and somehow, felt right. I didn't know what it was, but I gave it my all, without thinking of the consequences. I took the leap of faith. And I'm glad I did, because after 5 months of waiting. I must say it was worth it. All worth it. Was my Europe trip with Kat worth the sacrifice as well? I must say. Yes. I know where comes a chance, I will travel again. But nothing would be able to replace this December. I'm thankful for the things that happened, and the things that did not. For whatever I have up till today would not have happened if not for the good and the bad. So to those who broke my heart or messed with my feelings, thank you for making me appreciate those who won't take things for granted. To those who never trusted distance, thank you for making me appreciate closeness so much more. And finally to those who ran when they feared, thank you for making me see and appreciate those who stayed.
Have you ever just looked at something, and it just clicks in you, and you just know. That in that moment you were infinite. You wish that moment would last forever, cos' everything was just right. It is like a sudden struck of realisation, but yet also a peace of mind, and warmth of the heart. It was as if I could die there and then, but still leave this earth a happy woman with no regrets. It was as if, I could give my heart up in that instant, and let it be torn to pieces, and I wouldn't even care, cos' that was just how much I was willing to take the risk, the leap of faith, to trust.
Everything happens for a reason. People come into your life, some come and leave, while some stay. But the bottom-line is, each person come with a story, and it is through them we learn what we want, who we want to become, and how we want to live our lives with the values and lessons learned.
I don't know what the future holds, and I definitely can't say it will be easy. But together with faith and trust, I trust that as long as we embark on this journey together, fear of insecurity and distance will be overcome as long as we have the willingness and determination to try. As long as we try. That is all that matters right? We don't give up hope. We give up despair and unrealistic expectations. We give in to faith and trust.
Here's to a new year, with a new me, and a new goal.
Anyeong,
may all have a blessed new year (:
How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. - Winnie the Pooh
Friday, November 27, 2015
Preach.
Why do bad things happen to good people in this world? "Good" may not be the right terminology, but why do the lives of the innocent get destroyed in an instant just because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time?
On Friday 13th, the city of Paris fell into darkness, establishing a nationwide lockdown. Few days prior, earthquakes, suicide bombings, shootings happened in all other parts of the world too. Why do innocent people have to die? Is that the price they have to pay because of the selfish needs and demands of their leaders? Honestly there is no way to end this war, for it had already started. I have no right to say who is in the wrong or right, or who started this war, or who is bad or not. But I know that it is an action you get a reaction. It could have started because of some minor disagreement or misunderstanding, such that a childish immature thinking of "you pushed me, so I shall push you back" mentality could be the root of all this.
Is the pride of man valued at such a cost to sacrifice innocent lives?
UK BOUND
I've finally booked dem tickets, and i'll be off to the land of (what do they call dem englishmen?) in about a month's time. I'm super excited, but yet the planning process will be hectic. I mean usually we would travel with our parents, where everything is already planned for. But now, i'm flying solo, lol I guess this is what growing up is. Taking on responsibilities for our own actions.
FREEDOM?
Now you would think just because exams are over i'm "free". Well, sort of-ish, but the cleaning and packing of the house, and organising of little errands around the house is so tiring...I just wanna go to some deserted island and roll around the beach, with a free mind, not caring two hoots about the world.
Am I trying too hard? Once again, am I falling into my own trap? Am I breaking rules?
HOMEBOUND T-1
home sweet home baby.
anyeong (:
On Friday 13th, the city of Paris fell into darkness, establishing a nationwide lockdown. Few days prior, earthquakes, suicide bombings, shootings happened in all other parts of the world too. Why do innocent people have to die? Is that the price they have to pay because of the selfish needs and demands of their leaders? Honestly there is no way to end this war, for it had already started. I have no right to say who is in the wrong or right, or who started this war, or who is bad or not. But I know that it is an action you get a reaction. It could have started because of some minor disagreement or misunderstanding, such that a childish immature thinking of "you pushed me, so I shall push you back" mentality could be the root of all this.
Is the pride of man valued at such a cost to sacrifice innocent lives?
UK BOUND
I've finally booked dem tickets, and i'll be off to the land of (what do they call dem englishmen?) in about a month's time. I'm super excited, but yet the planning process will be hectic. I mean usually we would travel with our parents, where everything is already planned for. But now, i'm flying solo, lol I guess this is what growing up is. Taking on responsibilities for our own actions.
FREEDOM?
Now you would think just because exams are over i'm "free". Well, sort of-ish, but the cleaning and packing of the house, and organising of little errands around the house is so tiring...I just wanna go to some deserted island and roll around the beach, with a free mind, not caring two hoots about the world.
Am I trying too hard? Once again, am I falling into my own trap? Am I breaking rules?
HOMEBOUND T-1
home sweet home baby.
anyeong (:
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Infinite Limits.
WEEK 13
It has finally come to the end of the semester. Or rather, on the final week, with 2 more days to go, but nonetheless, it is amusing how time passed. The past 2 weeks have been the most tiring and exhausting week by far. I've nearly forgotten how it was like sitting in the library for hours studying the same subject over consecutive days. Having 3 tests in one day wasn't exactly a walk in a park either. But lol, I made it through. How well I made it through is another issue though. Heh.
FADING AWAY.
Have you ever felt so tired, and exhausted that every little thing had 2 immediate effects of either making or breaking your day? It's really this teeny tiny thin fine line, where your brain only just have enough energy and capacity to decide in that split second if you should bother to give two shits or not. And it has come to a point that I have to be grateful and thankful even for the smallest thing, to make me happy, or seriously nothing will faze me. Things that make your day ranges from having the bus/train pull up to the stop at the moment you reach it, to getting higher than a 0 on a test you were so sure you'd fail but the question then was just how badly, to finally having a peaceful morning because the floor above you have finally stopped drilling. I'm just simply exhausted. Simply simply exhausted. 3 more weeks. Exactly 21 days, this will be all over. Even before exams have properly started, how can I be already this drained?
PRIORITIES
If you really think about it, this is something that is actually quite sad. Priorities- something you regard or value above the others, hence you sacrifice the 2nd best thing and go for the "top" thing. But why? Because that "top" thing gives you more benefits. See how selfish humans are? to ourselves? or maybe even to others? Depending on the context, priorities of a person or of a passion; to see how when we only value something just because it gives us something more in return.
And the beautiful thing was, if you hated baseball, you just stopped playing it. There was no guilt involved. There was no arguing or debate. You either liked it or you didn't.
And if you loved looking for bugs, you just did that. There was no second-level analysis of, "Well, is looking for bugs really what I should be doing with my time as a child? Nobody else wants to look for bugs, does that mean there's something wrong with me? How will looking for bugs affect my future prospects?"
There was no bullshit. If you liked something, you just did it.
...they don't know what to do with their life...where they could start..where to "find their passion."
...that's the whole point- "not knowing" is the whole fucking point. Life is all about not knowing, and then doing something anyway. All life is like this. All of it.
...You already found your passion, you're just ignoring it...you're awake 16 hours a day...doing..talking about something..some topic or activity or idea that dominates a significant amount of your free time, your conversation, your web browsing, and it dominates them without you consciously pursing it or looking for it.
It's right there in front of you, you're just avoiding it. For whatever reason, you're aoiding it. You're telling yourself, "Oh well, yeah, I love comic books but that doesn't count. You can't make money with comic books."
...have you even tried?
The problem is not lack of passion for something. The problem is productivity. The problem is perception. The problem is acceptance.
The problem is the, "Oh, well that's just not a realistic option," or "Mom and Dad would kill me if I tried to do that.." or "That's crazy, you can't buy a BMW with the money you make doing that."
...It's never passion. It's priorities
...The issue here is..expectations...If you think you're supposed to wake up every single day dancing out of your pajamas because you get to go to work, then you've been drinking the Kool-Aid. Life doesn't work like that. It's just unrealistic. There's a thing most of us need called balance.
...He doesn't need to find his passion. His passion already found him. He's just ignoring it. He just refuses to believe it's viable. He is just afraid of giving it an honest-to-god try.
It's like a nerdy kid walking onto a playground and saying, "Well, bugs are really cool, but NFL players make more money, so I should force myself to play football every day,"..
..The problem is that he's arbitrarily choosing to limit himself based on some bullshitty ideas he got into his head about success and what he's supposed to do.
...If you have to look for what youre passionate about, then you're probably not passionate about it at all. If you're passionate about something, it will already feel like such an ingrained part of your life that you will have to be reminded by people that it's not normal, that other people aren't like that.
A child does not walk onto a playground and say to herself, "How do I find fun?" She just goes and have fun.
If you have to look for what you enjoy in life, then you're not going to enjoy anything.
And the real truth is that you already enjoy something. You already enjoy many things. You're just choosing to ignore them.
In the good light of passion-
When was the last time we actually did something for ourselves and not for society? I always thought that choosing a well-stable job and typical career path like a doctor, lawyer, banker- were the right choices, simply because they're the high-paying jobs, the "non-frowned upon" acceptable jobs, and that society made it so. To an extent yes, society. But then I never thought to look at myself. I always thought I never had passion for law, and that I'm just doing it because it's the most practical career path out there, and that I could be doing Psychology or something if I really wanted. I mean I'm interested in law, sure, but not to the extent of calling it a "passion". That's the thing, I just chose to limit myself to the idea that society has put into my head, that those are the "acceptable" choices. I refuse to acknowledge that there are other possibilities out there that could be just as successful, but i'm just too afraid to try. And for that, I am disappointed in myself; disappointed for not giving it a try, disappointed for being afraid of letting my family down should I fail, disappointed for not having faith in myself that I could reach that goal one day, disappointed for giving in to the demands and pressures of society. Maybe one day, maybe. Sometimes the innocence of a child is so precious; not knowing the pressures of society, the prejudice and discrimination, or the judgements held in the eyes of others, and just going about their playtime, not caring about the world, and doing the things they love the most. That's what I'd like to be, but sometimes you just can't afford to.
In the bad light of a person-
When was the last time we actually did something out of goodwill expecting nothing in return? But is this wrong? To want to expect something in return? Even if you're walking down a street and you decide to make a donation and you think, "huh, I'm giving them something, and not expecting anything back". But you're wrong, what you get back is the self assurance that you did a good deed and that you're of "good heart". Somehow it boils down to human nature, where it is really the 'survival of the fittest' instinct, where we fight for ourselves to survive, no matter the consequence. This is where you start to doubt people around you, if what they are doing is really genuine out of care or concern or just because they want something from you. The ones that break this barrier of insecurity and doubt are those worth really holding onto. But it's really not that simple. Through that, many things cloud our judgement; greed, pride, money, and love.
21 days is all I need to survive. Just 21 days to get the rest I need. 21 Days to know what's it like to breathe again. 21 days.
Anyeong!
Hello from the other side;
It has finally come to the end of the semester. Or rather, on the final week, with 2 more days to go, but nonetheless, it is amusing how time passed. The past 2 weeks have been the most tiring and exhausting week by far. I've nearly forgotten how it was like sitting in the library for hours studying the same subject over consecutive days. Having 3 tests in one day wasn't exactly a walk in a park either. But lol, I made it through. How well I made it through is another issue though. Heh.
FADING AWAY.
Have you ever felt so tired, and exhausted that every little thing had 2 immediate effects of either making or breaking your day? It's really this teeny tiny thin fine line, where your brain only just have enough energy and capacity to decide in that split second if you should bother to give two shits or not. And it has come to a point that I have to be grateful and thankful even for the smallest thing, to make me happy, or seriously nothing will faze me. Things that make your day ranges from having the bus/train pull up to the stop at the moment you reach it, to getting higher than a 0 on a test you were so sure you'd fail but the question then was just how badly, to finally having a peaceful morning because the floor above you have finally stopped drilling. I'm just simply exhausted. Simply simply exhausted. 3 more weeks. Exactly 21 days, this will be all over. Even before exams have properly started, how can I be already this drained?
PRIORITIES
If you really think about it, this is something that is actually quite sad. Priorities- something you regard or value above the others, hence you sacrifice the 2nd best thing and go for the "top" thing. But why? Because that "top" thing gives you more benefits. See how selfish humans are? to ourselves? or maybe even to others? Depending on the context, priorities of a person or of a passion; to see how when we only value something just because it gives us something more in return.
Screw Finding Your Passion- Mark Manson
Remember back when you were a kid? You would just do things. Younever thought to yourself, "what are the relative merits of learning baseball versus football?" You just ran around the playground and played baseball and football. YOubuild sand castles and played tag and asked silly questions and looked for bugs and dug up grass and pretended you were a sewer monster.
Nobody told you to do it, you just did it. You were led merely by your curiosity and excitement.
And the beautiful thing was, if you hated baseball, you just stopped playing it. There was no guilt involved. There was no arguing or debate. You either liked it or you didn't.
And if you loved looking for bugs, you just did that. There was no second-level analysis of, "Well, is looking for bugs really what I should be doing with my time as a child? Nobody else wants to look for bugs, does that mean there's something wrong with me? How will looking for bugs affect my future prospects?"
There was no bullshit. If you liked something, you just did it.
...they don't know what to do with their life...where they could start..where to "find their passion."
...that's the whole point- "not knowing" is the whole fucking point. Life is all about not knowing, and then doing something anyway. All life is like this. All of it.
...You already found your passion, you're just ignoring it...you're awake 16 hours a day...doing..talking about something..some topic or activity or idea that dominates a significant amount of your free time, your conversation, your web browsing, and it dominates them without you consciously pursing it or looking for it.
It's right there in front of you, you're just avoiding it. For whatever reason, you're aoiding it. You're telling yourself, "Oh well, yeah, I love comic books but that doesn't count. You can't make money with comic books."
...have you even tried?
The problem is not lack of passion for something. The problem is productivity. The problem is perception. The problem is acceptance.
The problem is the, "Oh, well that's just not a realistic option," or "Mom and Dad would kill me if I tried to do that.." or "That's crazy, you can't buy a BMW with the money you make doing that."
...It's never passion. It's priorities
...The issue here is..expectations...If you think you're supposed to wake up every single day dancing out of your pajamas because you get to go to work, then you've been drinking the Kool-Aid. Life doesn't work like that. It's just unrealistic. There's a thing most of us need called balance.
...He doesn't need to find his passion. His passion already found him. He's just ignoring it. He just refuses to believe it's viable. He is just afraid of giving it an honest-to-god try.
It's like a nerdy kid walking onto a playground and saying, "Well, bugs are really cool, but NFL players make more money, so I should force myself to play football every day,"..
..The problem is that he's arbitrarily choosing to limit himself based on some bullshitty ideas he got into his head about success and what he's supposed to do.
...If you have to look for what youre passionate about, then you're probably not passionate about it at all. If you're passionate about something, it will already feel like such an ingrained part of your life that you will have to be reminded by people that it's not normal, that other people aren't like that.
A child does not walk onto a playground and say to herself, "How do I find fun?" She just goes and have fun.
If you have to look for what you enjoy in life, then you're not going to enjoy anything.
And the real truth is that you already enjoy something. You already enjoy many things. You're just choosing to ignore them.
In the good light of passion-
When was the last time we actually did something for ourselves and not for society? I always thought that choosing a well-stable job and typical career path like a doctor, lawyer, banker- were the right choices, simply because they're the high-paying jobs, the "non-frowned upon" acceptable jobs, and that society made it so. To an extent yes, society. But then I never thought to look at myself. I always thought I never had passion for law, and that I'm just doing it because it's the most practical career path out there, and that I could be doing Psychology or something if I really wanted. I mean I'm interested in law, sure, but not to the extent of calling it a "passion". That's the thing, I just chose to limit myself to the idea that society has put into my head, that those are the "acceptable" choices. I refuse to acknowledge that there are other possibilities out there that could be just as successful, but i'm just too afraid to try. And for that, I am disappointed in myself; disappointed for not giving it a try, disappointed for being afraid of letting my family down should I fail, disappointed for not having faith in myself that I could reach that goal one day, disappointed for giving in to the demands and pressures of society. Maybe one day, maybe. Sometimes the innocence of a child is so precious; not knowing the pressures of society, the prejudice and discrimination, or the judgements held in the eyes of others, and just going about their playtime, not caring about the world, and doing the things they love the most. That's what I'd like to be, but sometimes you just can't afford to.
In the bad light of a person-
When was the last time we actually did something out of goodwill expecting nothing in return? But is this wrong? To want to expect something in return? Even if you're walking down a street and you decide to make a donation and you think, "huh, I'm giving them something, and not expecting anything back". But you're wrong, what you get back is the self assurance that you did a good deed and that you're of "good heart". Somehow it boils down to human nature, where it is really the 'survival of the fittest' instinct, where we fight for ourselves to survive, no matter the consequence. This is where you start to doubt people around you, if what they are doing is really genuine out of care or concern or just because they want something from you. The ones that break this barrier of insecurity and doubt are those worth really holding onto. But it's really not that simple. Through that, many things cloud our judgement; greed, pride, money, and love.
21 days is all I need to survive. Just 21 days to get the rest I need. 21 Days to know what's it like to breathe again. 21 days.
Anyeong!
Hello from the other side;
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Endless Time.
Timing is a funny thing.
You've gotta get it right, or the moment will slip right through your fingers. Let me give you an example: here I am sitting outside Sir John Clancy's auditorium, because i've missed the bus by mere moments, just because it arrived a few minutes earlier than scheduled. I literally saw it drive past, just as I was exiting Uni, but I thought to myself, no way, can't be?
Even scheduled things, have unexpected outcomes. You can never be too sure about something, although how accurate or fixed it may be. If we can't even depend on something that is meant to be fixed, how can we depend on things which are not fixed in nature?
One step forward, Two steps back.
Ever been stuck in limbo? With no idea what is going on, in an utter state of confusion? With no clue on which direction you're heading, it's like feeing your way in the dark. You can't see what's ahead of you, but you're merely feeling your way through, searching for a glimpse of light, just to find a way out.
You've gotta get it right, or the moment will slip right through your fingers. Let me give you an example: here I am sitting outside Sir John Clancy's auditorium, because i've missed the bus by mere moments, just because it arrived a few minutes earlier than scheduled. I literally saw it drive past, just as I was exiting Uni, but I thought to myself, no way, can't be?
Even scheduled things, have unexpected outcomes. You can never be too sure about something, although how accurate or fixed it may be. If we can't even depend on something that is meant to be fixed, how can we depend on things which are not fixed in nature?
One step forward, Two steps back.
Ever been stuck in limbo? With no idea what is going on, in an utter state of confusion? With no clue on which direction you're heading, it's like feeing your way in the dark. You can't see what's ahead of you, but you're merely feeling your way through, searching for a glimpse of light, just to find a way out.
It feels like fate is testing us. We’ve yet to have built anything for the fire to test, so how can we withstand the heat? Everyday, all around me, I see artworks, already painted, in fact, as I type this, one is right before my eyes, with the perfect backdrop of the Harbour Bridge and the Opera house. I constantly think to myself, “if only”. There are many “If-s” in the world I have questioned, but this has to be the biggest and greatest yet. I constantly speak as if I've got it all panned out, the future, the expectations, which I shouldn't at all. But I can't help it. It feels so right, yet so wrong. It feels like I'm walking on frozen ice, with every step, i'd feel accomplished of getting that far, but yet at any moment, I could fall right through down under into the great deep unknown.
Are we getting ahead of ourselves? Are we creating expectations for ourselves that we cannot fulfil? Are we walking into a trap? Are we digging our own graves? Are we making the wrong choices? We make plans that will never happen. We build a future that will never arrive. We create hope, that is only made to be destroyed.
How do you know if you've made the right choice? Let me rephrase that, the right decision. *no one should be made a choice, to be played with, to be hung by a thread, to be falsely lead, to be left with the ultimate fate of being hurt at the end of the day. We're all living in a world of uncertainty. But sometimes uncertainty won't do for some people, but yet some people love it, where they will be filled with surprises. It is really a wonder to find this balance, this satisfaction of just knowing enough but yet not too much. Like a bus. You know it'll come eventually, you just won't know when.
Being so far away, I don't know if I can do this. I can't see, I can't feel, I can't hear. I just want to be there beside him- physically present, to know that everything is going to be okay.
LAST MINUTE
I did the unthinkable and flew back for Kat's birthday. I should've booked in advanced, just like the rest did during SG50 sale period, where most tickets were 60% off!? But anyway, going back was pretty amazing as well. I've had one too many impromptu flight plans this year, and it was honestly pretty exhausting, especially just for 3 days. But I got a few moments of touch that nothing could ever replace, I got to spend Kat's birthday as a family with friends and cousins, and I got to have a good break (actually no, considering I had a Torts assignment due the following week). Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Well don't. I've never stayed up for 39hours straight before, and the experience was pain to the full. Also, don't ever drink red bull. Not only does it taste like cough syrup, it makes you pee, alot. AND don't ever wait till the last minute to print your shit, cos yes, how typical and timely your printer dies on you in the last 30min of submission. Having a marathon to school within 30min is cray, and never again I'll say.
APPROACHING MID-SEM
It's already nearing the end of September, and just 3 months to go till Christmas. And I thought 2014 passed quickly, oh hell, I can't even remember what happened during the semester..
It's reading week now, and mid-sem break next week, and all these were placed for the sole purpose of letting students revise and catch up..but lol is that really gonna happen? heh I highly doubt. I know this but yet I do otherwise. Seriously, uni students. I really do have to work hard though. Before I can even look forward to December, I've got this hurdle to pass.
I pray for all the self-control, determination, and clarity of mind that I can muster, to get through the next 2 months. Oh, lord bless me.
Anyeong
Are we getting ahead of ourselves? Are we creating expectations for ourselves that we cannot fulfil? Are we walking into a trap? Are we digging our own graves? Are we making the wrong choices? We make plans that will never happen. We build a future that will never arrive. We create hope, that is only made to be destroyed.
How do you know if you've made the right choice? Let me rephrase that, the right decision. *no one should be made a choice, to be played with, to be hung by a thread, to be falsely lead, to be left with the ultimate fate of being hurt at the end of the day. We're all living in a world of uncertainty. But sometimes uncertainty won't do for some people, but yet some people love it, where they will be filled with surprises. It is really a wonder to find this balance, this satisfaction of just knowing enough but yet not too much. Like a bus. You know it'll come eventually, you just won't know when.
Being so far away, I don't know if I can do this. I can't see, I can't feel, I can't hear. I just want to be there beside him- physically present, to know that everything is going to be okay.
LAST MINUTE
I did the unthinkable and flew back for Kat's birthday. I should've booked in advanced, just like the rest did during SG50 sale period, where most tickets were 60% off!? But anyway, going back was pretty amazing as well. I've had one too many impromptu flight plans this year, and it was honestly pretty exhausting, especially just for 3 days. But I got a few moments of touch that nothing could ever replace, I got to spend Kat's birthday as a family with friends and cousins, and I got to have a good break (actually no, considering I had a Torts assignment due the following week). Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Well don't. I've never stayed up for 39hours straight before, and the experience was pain to the full. Also, don't ever drink red bull. Not only does it taste like cough syrup, it makes you pee, alot. AND don't ever wait till the last minute to print your shit, cos yes, how typical and timely your printer dies on you in the last 30min of submission. Having a marathon to school within 30min is cray, and never again I'll say.
APPROACHING MID-SEM
It's already nearing the end of September, and just 3 months to go till Christmas. And I thought 2014 passed quickly, oh hell, I can't even remember what happened during the semester..
It's reading week now, and mid-sem break next week, and all these were placed for the sole purpose of letting students revise and catch up..but lol is that really gonna happen? heh I highly doubt. I know this but yet I do otherwise. Seriously, uni students. I really do have to work hard though. Before I can even look forward to December, I've got this hurdle to pass.
I pray for all the self-control, determination, and clarity of mind that I can muster, to get through the next 2 months. Oh, lord bless me.
Anyeong
It’s a beautiful night, we’re looking for something dumb to do.
Monday, August 24, 2015
And I You.
It's really something- to know that someone is thinking of you in the middle of the day.
It's really something- to know that you have become someone worth thinking about in the midst of some mundane chores.
It's really something- to know that you are that someone to him.
REASSURANCE:
is a pretty damn powerful tool. I never knew that that was what it took to change someone's life. To assure them that they're on the right track, that bit of encouragement could go a long way, especially with one who is filled with the potential to grow, mould them into someone so much more. To be that someone to give that reassurance, to change someone's life, make an impact, and perhaps make a difference to this world altogether, is a pretty refreshing feeling. Like if this was what it took to make them smile, to make them want to improve themselves for the better, why not?
To let those tears fall for you, is proof that she has already given you her all.
You taught me how to love once again. You showed me how it is like to be appreciated. You shed new light to the darkness I faced. You hold my heart now, don't crush it.
In approximately 1 week, everything will change. For the better, or for the worst, I'll have no regrets. With every cell of my being, I am glad to have met you, to have understood you, to have fallen for you. It won't be pretty, I'm sure. But since when did love come easy? I'll prepare my heart for what is to come. It will be inevitable, something long foreseeable, and there would be nothing we could do about it, but only to wait. Wait for the time that our paths cross once again. If only.
Like I'm gonna lose you.
SCHOOL
is going..pretty well I guess? It's time to get my shit together, organise the house, organise my schedule, organise my thoughts, organise my life. No matter what it takes, i'll have to find this spurt of energy, and determination to get it all sorted. I can't lag behind anymore, before it's all too late. I have to do this for my family, and more importantly, for myself.
anyeong!
"Have I told you how lucky I am to have you in my life." - And I you my dear.
It's really something- to know that you have become someone worth thinking about in the midst of some mundane chores.
It's really something- to know that you are that someone to him.
REASSURANCE:
is a pretty damn powerful tool. I never knew that that was what it took to change someone's life. To assure them that they're on the right track, that bit of encouragement could go a long way, especially with one who is filled with the potential to grow, mould them into someone so much more. To be that someone to give that reassurance, to change someone's life, make an impact, and perhaps make a difference to this world altogether, is a pretty refreshing feeling. Like if this was what it took to make them smile, to make them want to improve themselves for the better, why not?
To let those tears fall for you, is proof that she has already given you her all.
You taught me how to love once again. You showed me how it is like to be appreciated. You shed new light to the darkness I faced. You hold my heart now, don't crush it.
In approximately 1 week, everything will change. For the better, or for the worst, I'll have no regrets. With every cell of my being, I am glad to have met you, to have understood you, to have fallen for you. It won't be pretty, I'm sure. But since when did love come easy? I'll prepare my heart for what is to come. It will be inevitable, something long foreseeable, and there would be nothing we could do about it, but only to wait. Wait for the time that our paths cross once again. If only.
Like I'm gonna lose you.
SCHOOL
is going..pretty well I guess? It's time to get my shit together, organise the house, organise my schedule, organise my thoughts, organise my life. No matter what it takes, i'll have to find this spurt of energy, and determination to get it all sorted. I can't lag behind anymore, before it's all too late. I have to do this for my family, and more importantly, for myself.
anyeong!
"Have I told you how lucky I am to have you in my life." - And I you my dear.
Monday, July 27, 2015
Mended wings.
CHANGES
were necessary. It had been too long sticking to the old. It is the start of something new.
Gone were the the old pillars of strength and the blogskin/layout. Looking back at my old posts back in '09 or anywhere around that period, were legit cringe worthy. Who the heck spells in short forms like "rite" or "haven" or "tgt". oh bless me. Now that this layout even have the blog titles under archives, it is even more cringe worthy :p Please don't judge, I was p5/6 that had apparently no IQ or EQ heh..
BROKEN WINGS
it's been way too long. It has gotten to a point where i've forgotten what it felt like to be to be free. In fact, I thought it would be nearly impossible to feel this again. Like a bird with broken wings, I fell into a hole, where only darkness and loneliness surrounded me. I had no choice but to learn how to embrace them, amongst other things, trying to find the light that would save me. I was blinded by darkness, led to believe that I had no way of escaping, that I was forced to remain pathetic and helpless, forever depending on the fact that one day someone will come and save me. Somehow the idea that I had to depend on that someone to save me to see the light once again, remained in my head for such a long time, that I didn't bother looking for any alternatives. I assumed that one day that person would remember me and come back, so I waited, and waited. I was so foolish and pathetic to wait for someone so long, someone who didn't care if i existed or not, someone who took me for granted, dragged me by the string, through the mud. Only did I realise that he was dragging other strings as well, that I decided to stop this foolish thinking of mine.
In this cruel world, no one will help you only if you help yourself first. People are fighting for survival, and if you don't make an effort to fight, you'll drown sooner or later. I did it for myself, to have no more burdens, and once I realised that, I took the shards out of my broken wings, one by one, and day by day, soon, I was able to spread my wings and reach for the sky, to see the light, and have clarity once again.
WAIT FOR ME?
Some people look for love. Others wait for it. I forget about it altogether, for I believe if the right one comes by, he'll remind you of what love is again, and help you to trust it again.
Everything happens for a reason yes? I believe in fate. If we cross paths, we cross paths. If not, we don't. Sometimes two persons could be so similar but yet their paths travel parallel, never meeting. I was just lucky enough to have my path crossed with him. Just when I let go of that someone, and just when I thought there wasn't anyone else that could make me feel this way again, to make me believe in myself, he came along. I was actually perfectly fine with the whole "I may not have this feeling again for a long long time" part, but somehow fate has funny ways of surprising us right round the corner. I'm not even sure of this feeling yet, perhaps even still on unstable shaky grounds, but it is the start of something new. But as always, when something goes well, there will forever be some obstruction, as if fate shoving it in our faces, to remind us that happiness don't come easy, we have to work for it. Distance is a funny thing, but worst than that, is time.
DISTANCE AND TIME
To be flown half way around the world, how does one maintain that connection? It is one thing to have determination, but to be exposed to other foreign influences, it will be detrimental, and perhaps even hopeless.
For now, I guess it is only wise to treasure what we have, before the time comes when we have to split ways, even on the basis of just a friendship. Although I know what we have is temporary, it pains me to know what is to come. Occasional holiday breaks will be my only salvation, that is, if this bond is anything, but temporary.
Here's to new friendships that saved me.
anyeong!
big girls cry when their hearts are breaking.
were necessary. It had been too long sticking to the old. It is the start of something new.
Gone were the the old pillars of strength and the blogskin/layout. Looking back at my old posts back in '09 or anywhere around that period, were legit cringe worthy. Who the heck spells in short forms like "rite" or "haven" or "tgt". oh bless me. Now that this layout even have the blog titles under archives, it is even more cringe worthy :p Please don't judge, I was p5/6 that had apparently no IQ or EQ heh..
BROKEN WINGS
it's been way too long. It has gotten to a point where i've forgotten what it felt like to be to be free. In fact, I thought it would be nearly impossible to feel this again. Like a bird with broken wings, I fell into a hole, where only darkness and loneliness surrounded me. I had no choice but to learn how to embrace them, amongst other things, trying to find the light that would save me. I was blinded by darkness, led to believe that I had no way of escaping, that I was forced to remain pathetic and helpless, forever depending on the fact that one day someone will come and save me. Somehow the idea that I had to depend on that someone to save me to see the light once again, remained in my head for such a long time, that I didn't bother looking for any alternatives. I assumed that one day that person would remember me and come back, so I waited, and waited. I was so foolish and pathetic to wait for someone so long, someone who didn't care if i existed or not, someone who took me for granted, dragged me by the string, through the mud. Only did I realise that he was dragging other strings as well, that I decided to stop this foolish thinking of mine.
In this cruel world, no one will help you only if you help yourself first. People are fighting for survival, and if you don't make an effort to fight, you'll drown sooner or later. I did it for myself, to have no more burdens, and once I realised that, I took the shards out of my broken wings, one by one, and day by day, soon, I was able to spread my wings and reach for the sky, to see the light, and have clarity once again.
WAIT FOR ME?
Some people look for love. Others wait for it. I forget about it altogether, for I believe if the right one comes by, he'll remind you of what love is again, and help you to trust it again.
Everything happens for a reason yes? I believe in fate. If we cross paths, we cross paths. If not, we don't. Sometimes two persons could be so similar but yet their paths travel parallel, never meeting. I was just lucky enough to have my path crossed with him. Just when I let go of that someone, and just when I thought there wasn't anyone else that could make me feel this way again, to make me believe in myself, he came along. I was actually perfectly fine with the whole "I may not have this feeling again for a long long time" part, but somehow fate has funny ways of surprising us right round the corner. I'm not even sure of this feeling yet, perhaps even still on unstable shaky grounds, but it is the start of something new. But as always, when something goes well, there will forever be some obstruction, as if fate shoving it in our faces, to remind us that happiness don't come easy, we have to work for it. Distance is a funny thing, but worst than that, is time.
DISTANCE AND TIME
To be flown half way around the world, how does one maintain that connection? It is one thing to have determination, but to be exposed to other foreign influences, it will be detrimental, and perhaps even hopeless.
For now, I guess it is only wise to treasure what we have, before the time comes when we have to split ways, even on the basis of just a friendship. Although I know what we have is temporary, it pains me to know what is to come. Occasional holiday breaks will be my only salvation, that is, if this bond is anything, but temporary.
Here's to new friendships that saved me.
anyeong!
big girls cry when their hearts are breaking.
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