Third Chances.

So remember how I was literally JUST talking about how I would wait another month. Well, poof that month is gone, seriously I didn't see it go by.
This 3 month summer break really flew by, and this time in a good way.
I've saw my friends in a new light- those who still remember my existence and bother to talk to me and meet up with me that is. You never know the true value of friendship until you are in your darkest times they say. Let me tell you this, you never know it truly until you're in your loneliest. Those who still stand by you, they're the ones.

Sure I may have spent some of my days waking up at the weirdest times, sometimes in the late afternoon even, stoning and hence wasting my whole day away.. But the days that I actually have plans, I make the best out of it. I catched up with so many old pals, some of them even dating back to Primary school days and swimming. Sometimes I'm just like, "since when were we ever this close?", but you take a step back and realise that "wow, we still have this bond. Why not salvage it into something stronger?" Some may die but I've got a good feeling most will stay. I don't really think "friendship" is the right term anymore to describe such bonds with old pals. It's too brief and "washy washy" for my liking. Its more like..attachment. Yeah, took me awhile to figure a right word, but for now that shall do. I treasure each and every attachment.

BLOGSKIN
sidetracking a little, nik was telling how crappy my skin is. HAHA okay she didn't put it that crudely, but basically it's dam hard to read this shit. But its my shit so..doesn't really matter HAHA. Okay yeah yeah it's pretty small and tiny..but hey friends if you're reading it on your phone it's available in mobile mode or something (: (but yes I may change it soon. It's super hard finding a skin especially how times have changed and people can't be bothered with blogspot anymore)

NO GOOD IN GOODBYE
it was actually legit painful. Since my newfound rebuilt connection, attachement or whatever you may want to call it with all my loved ones, I really did not want to leave. I had so much fun and laughter over the summer I did not want it to end. I did not want to say goodbye, I did not want to face reality.
Hugs says alot about a person don't you think? Tight hugs, loose hugs, half hearted hugs, awkward arm hug, stiff hugs...
Ever hugged someone who when you pulled away still held on to you tightly? Do you know that feeling? That feeling of never wanting to let you go?
Its the feeling of being wanted. Being appreciated. Being missed. and finally, being loved.
Humanity lacks such emotion. To be able to be a receiver of such action, I really don't know to be happy to be wanted, or to be sad because it was an expression of loss.
Everyone needs to find that someone who holds you that way. It'll feel safe. It'll feel nice, for once to be wanted, needed, loved.

WEEK ZERO
I'm actually exhausted. Mainly because of my ever so poor sleeping cycle- which I really need to put words into action and start sleeping early and stop blogging at weird times such as now (1.43am). Believe it or not, hating that bloody thumbdrive, I actually enjoyed O-week. Well at least the 2 days that I fully utilised. Sure the first day was raining cats and dogs, but because of that lines were shorter and stuff could be done easily. But I didn't say coming in late was a bad thing either. I'm actually grateful that I pushed on last Nov/Dec/Jan to have the few days off to remain in SG with the fambam and relatives. My efforts paid off. 3-4 days is really sufficient enough. People are amazingly friendly and sociable, but I realise coming from a different society altogether, it was really hard to fit into their typical conversation. Australian humour is one thing that I think i'll take awhile to get accustomed to definitely. For now I shall just push on and be the awkward duckling, hoping this phase would pass soon enough.
ALSO, did you know how hard it was to find Uni books?! Like what even. I spent a good 5 hours today freaking out about finding my Law textbook as readings had to be done prior to the lecture..omg how screwed am I ): BUT YES, I finally got it thanks to my new Law Orientation buddies. Connections are really important actually. That's something i'll get to experience firsthand soon enough.

And finally, it was painful enough to say goodbye to aunty verge and my baby fluffy. Both with the common denominator of experiencing pain. One I bid good bye with the best of wishes for the future, while the other I bid good bye and farewell for the final time.
I always ask myself don't I deserve a tad bit happiness? Maybe at least let me enjoy a few weeks or at least days with such minimal happiness that happen in my life.
Typically, just when I thought when all things are going well, baby fluffy was struck with a really bad liver thingum. Now it's really just a month. A month and all is gone. For good. Please stay strong my baby, i'll be thinking of you, always.

Hopefully this coming week 1 will go by smoothly, leaving me happy and optimistic for the many challenges to come ):

anyeong! (and happy cny everyone!)

You left again. But the difference is this time, there's no third chances. And that's final. 

Head Above Water.

I was never the holy type, but an amazing performance by Katy Perry during the Grammy's raising awareness of domestic violence was good enough to convince me to share this beautiful song.

"I believed he was lashing out because he was in pain, and needed help. I believed my compassion could restore him and our relationship. My empathy was used against me. I was terrified of him and ashamed I was in this position. What bound me to him was my desire to heal him. My compassion was incomplete because it did not include me. When he threatened to kill me, I knew I had to escape. I revealed the truth to my mom and she encouraged me to seek help at a local domestic violence shelter. This conversation saved my life. Authentic love does not devalue another human being. Authentic love does not silence, shame or abuse.

If you're in a relationship with someone who does not honor or respect you, I want you to know you are worthy of love. Please reach out for help. "  -Brooke Axtell

_______________________________________________________________

Do you know how it feels to be knocked down to your feet? That's how it feels when your support, your foundation, crumbles below you. And that's why all dads teach their daughters to be strong independent women. And that is why we can't depend on others. Just when you thought the person you trust most will be there forever and always, he'll eventually turn his back on you. You were my role model, someone I respected, someone I looked up to, someone I envied, someone I confided in, and finally, someone I trusted. I guess I had just put my expectations for you way too high, I guess I just thought of you pretty much as flawless. But there's nothing that disgust me more than arrogance and that condescending attitude of yours. You really can't get the best of both worlds, you just can't. There were small hints along the way, but this time you pushed it too far. Talk to me like nothing happened, but this will be something I will never look past, and I will never forget.

Imagine this: If such a small trivial matter will spark off such a response, what will happen the next time when the real deal comes along? This logic has become the foundation of how I view people nowadays. I try to be impartial about it all, but you've got to protect yourself from harm you can foresee don't you? That's called taking precaution.

THE DIET PLAN.
obviously failed. Its the 10th day of Feb and I have not started exercising at all. Okay, let's make life a tad bit easier for me. Just to sleep early and wake up by 10. I think that won't be too hard. So we can't count today cos duh, its 1.20am heh. I really can't wait for CNY to come (: I love seeing my cousins and family all together as one. And the goodies omg (: eggcited!! Not really anticipating the whole #ootd fiasco (and maybe i'll even be part of it hehe).

DREAMS.
You know how we've always asked ourselves what our dreams mean? Just a few seconds ago, something struck me. I've always loved dreaming because it let me experience things I can't in real life. Some nightmares are dreadful but that's how we experience "fear" once in awhile since reality may not pose the kind that is possible (if you get what I mean). Especially when our dreams defy reality and our expectations, that is when we feel alive. Hence, just moments ago, something clicked. What if our dreams were there to show us a perspective we ourselves were always afraid to open up to but once we "experience" it in our subconscious, we will see how wrong we were, and thus dare to explore that avenue in reality. I mean sure some dreams are way off, unrelated and unrealistic such as raining donuts or flying pigs but if that theory doesn't work for you, I don't know what will. To have come to such realisation, I'm actually pretty impressed with myself haha.

Anyeong!

I picked myself back up. I put one foot in front of the other and I looked in the mirror and decided to stay. Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way.

The Last Straw.

And finally, touch down.

Over the period of my short vacation, I've seen so much, learnt so much, heard so much, and experienced so much. Besides the nagging and occasional unreasonable-ness of my parents, my mind was so alive. So you can expect after 11 days I'm legit mentally drained. Also, I ate SO MUCH. I have a exercise plan for Feb before I fly back and hopefully that will materialize. I really enjoyed my trip though, I've learnt to appreciate the quietness of the countryside as well as the hecticness of the city. I've picked up crumbs of humbleness in mankind and splashes of greed and selfishness in the heart. Yes I sometimes curse and swear at the evil and pray they get retribution but wouldn't that make myself lower than them as well?

Life in itself is a lesson, a journey, an experience to see right from wrong, evil from good.

I don't know what to do with you anymore. Time is all you need, but that is something I cannot give you as much as I want to. Time defines every existence of every living thing on earth. Time defines what we could have been, what we desire to be but cannot be. Time is indefinite, priceless and most of all, forbidden. I had some uncertainty if this space of mine was ever found by you, but I've come to the point where its okay for you to see how I've struggled with my thoughts. Because I have decided to let go. Piece by piece. Because one day won't you leave as well just like you did those years before? I can't afford to let myself go through the same path again. I'm sane now don't you worry. I'm foolish no more. These months I have wavered, only because I told myself after all those months I deserve just a little happiness. Just a little. These are my unspoken thoughts for you. Thank you for these past months. Just like every Summer dream, the break ends and I'm back to reality in a month. I wish you the best, I wish you happiness and every success you dream and desire. I wish you love and peace, in hopes you will find someone that will give you the support, strength and love you deserve. I don't know when we will talk again, but when we do, I will answer you with a lighter but stronger heart. I just need you to have the courage, the nerve to strive for what you want. Not what your parents or those around expect of you, but what you yourself want. This is the last straw, the last page, the last hope. One more month and I'll be gone; my heart and soul with it I assure you. I'm giving myself just one more month. Just one.

She wants you to want her like how he does. But she doesn't want him, she wants you. The sad thing is that those who would give up the world for a person, that person would do the same for someone else and not you. That's why fairytales never work out, you sacrifice for the wrong people, your brain protects you from hurting yourself, but your heart thinks that pain is all worth it. 

I can't believe I'm off in another 3 or so weeks. And I can't believe I'll be turning 18 in just about a month or so. I don't want school to start ): I don't want reality to kick in. Everyone is splitting ways, with some in UK, AU and CA. True friends are so hard to find but now everyone is slowly drifting away. And that's why you treasure the occasional skype call or facebook chat. The bond of friendship is as strong as the bridge you build to maintain it. In times of darkness, friendship is all you have aside from kinship.

Support.
Something that comes in a physical, vocal and mental form. Don't we all need some sort of encouragement to push through the shit dirt we're in? If you're the anchor to my feet I will shake you off. I expected much more of you as a friend. If this is my own dream and my own ambition, who are you to have a say in how I want to steer my life? If this is the type of friendship you deem fit, I shall leave you with your English tea and bid you farewell. What have happened to you? Or was this just something I have dug up from deep within and only started to realise the cold poison that eats you from inside. Be happy my dear friend, be happy for yourself and those around you. The competition of the world will forever be there, but your happiness won't if you don't help yourself.

anyeong (:

Anything's possible if you've got enough nerve. -J.K Rowling

Here's to 2015.

New Years was not. fun. at. all.

Like yeah sure watchnight service, starting the year blessed with the holy spirit and all. But the thing is that those who know me well enough, I was never a holy person, but i've always kept an open mind, and as always I've tried to accept the whole Christianity thingum, so I just tag along. But really, spending an hour talking about the events held in 2015..AND not even having a countdown?! AND even at 12 no best wishes? Just the announcing of the new church committee? Really? No matter how fking holy you are, you start the year off with a HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! Not some shit stunt like that.
Ugh. Basically it was a terrible end. I spent the last hour plus of 2014 on my phone trying to stay awake.

Overall, 2014 was a bad year.
It flew past so fast. Not because of how fun it was, but because of how mundane it was. Day after day I went through the same routine, as if life had no meaning to it and I was just living it watching each day past for the sake of making time fly. I could honestly say 2014 was one of the worst years i've had. Not only did i leave all my loved ones friends and family, joined a new "civillisation" with new people new environment, but also, I felt like I wasted one year of my life. Like I was not living my life. I was just drifting through it. I did not feel anything, I was just numb to everything.
To have reached this conclusion is really just appalling and disappointing to see my year spent so unsatisfyingly.

Change is good. But sometimes they are bad too.
Then again, I guess everything happens for a reason. That's why I always spend my time thinking what that reason could be. Everyone are trying to find answers aren't they? But what you find may not be what you wanted. And sometimes things- the truth, are better left unfound and undiscovered, because it'll be safer for your heart, yourself.

I won't regret the many friendships made, some broken, some mended. Sometimes unexpected things are just round the corner. As for you, you're always that unsolved puzzle in my life. I'm not sure when I will be able to complete that puzzle, or if there is one puzzle piece lost and I will just never solve it. You're unexpected, unreadable, unpredictable. I really don't know what I'm going to do with you.

Here's a shout out to Bryan:
thank you for still stopping by after what feels like a gazillion years. What if I change my blog URL one day? watcha gonna do ;) HAHA ANYWAY>>>
HAHA hi bryan. I know what you're thinking. But for now, I'll tell you to worry about yourself first kay? I'll sort my shit out. Soon. For now we're in the same messed up boat. Best wishes to 2015 and hopefully you'll get out of this boat soon. As for me, I think I should just buy over this boat because I won't be leaving it anytime soon I'm quite sure.

I'm thinking bout' how people fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand.





Here's wishing the bestest of the best wishes to everyone out there, hoping you have a wonderful 2015, and may this year be even better than the last.

As how many of us would start the year with a New Year Resolution, I'd just like one simple wish.
Make this year count.
I was already thinking of starting a bucket list notebook this year (which is kinda like a resolution kind of thing) but a limited to your lifetime goal kind of list, AND I'M REALLY EXCITED TO GET STARTED ON IT. and I'll write down the date and maybe have a few signing of the people i completed it with. It'll be cool. (:

Here's to 2015.

anyeong!

Shit Got Real.

You couldn't have told me 3 years earlier could you now? To save me all that time I spent grieving?
No, too soon? No, too fast? Or well, No, it just didn't mean anything to you?
Oh to hell with you and fk you.
I am so done. So done. All those months I thought you maybe had an inkling of remorse turned out to be something you concluded to be "immaturity". Oh hell I guess those 3 plus months I spent trying to forget anything even started was useless too because hmm I don't know, it was nothing because we were "too young" to make proper decisions.

Curry stain my ass. I'll just pour bleach all over it to get you out. Ruin my shirt for all I care, just as long as the bloody stain is out.

My feelings have been on a rollercoaster. Now, the tracks have just ended and the carriage have just been derailed.

Ranting actually helps. Hey guess I already semi got over it because this is just like the other 1001 shits you have done. Damn, actually scratch that. Thank you for making that comment. You've woken me up from the 1 month that I thought I was wavering. Hell no am I ever going back to that hellhole I was in.
I won't be vulnerable no more. I won't be pathetic. I will stand on my own two feet and hold my head high.

Sayonara #2

Yin&Yang

Yin Yang- everything in the universe consists of two forces that is opposing but complementary.Where there is Life there is Death. Where there is Day, there is Night.

Why can't i just be happy for once. Am I not allowed that?

After a terrible and unsatisfying week, Saturday came.

06.12.14
Brunch was always wonderfully fun with the cousins. They'll never fail to amuse me. They're the best. Its like if you're having a bad day, you just have a chat with them and they say the most hilarious things to brighten up your day.
Then dinner came.
It was pleasant. Very unexpected, but yet unbelievably amazing. You know you expect something and you're taken back with something even better? I don't know but something is different this time round. Different good. Different awesome. I like this different. It is like another side that i've not exactly expected. Then when I had a glimpse of that side that night, I want more. So much more.
But some things are not meant to be yknow? Maybe I'm not sure just yet.
On the way home that night, I caught myself smiling, thinking about the events and topics of that night. I was legit happy. I even chose to walk home so that the quiet night could leave me to my own thoughts. They drifted, drifted to the laughter and happy reminiscing.
I don't think there's anything in there, because after those months, I told myself never to go back, never to be vulnerable. However, just for once I didn't care for any feelings. I just cared that at that moment I was happy. Genuinely happy.

I slept well that night. Very, in fact. But little did I know the next night would be an uncomfortable sleep.
Just when things were looking up, everything came crashing down.

07.12.14
Before leaving for dinner, I saw him at the gate being drenched in the slight drizzle of rain. Quickly I told Auntie Verge to wipe him dry. We had to leave for the dinner as we were late. We just rushed off. That was the last time I saw life in those eyes. He looked so sad, but I just thought it was because he was getting wet in the rain. I think he knew. He knew it was coming. Some things just happen so suddenly just as we don't expect it. That's why we have the saying, "live every moment, treasure each and every second." But how were we to know? Whenever my friends pet would go, I only knew how to offer a word of comfort and thats that. I didn't feel too remorseful because well, I just thought it just like any other animal that was growing old- it is expected. But now, i truly understand, that relationship between a dog and an owner, is something you cannot just cut it off simply. All those months that I was away, no one took you out. Maybe ocassionally, but not the number of times you truly deserve. Thank you so much for waiting those 8 months for me to take you on your last walk. Thank you for always being so patient. Thank you for being so playful that it makes me laugh. Everytime the gates open, I would always expect you to wag your tail and slowly walk one side to let the car enter into the porch. I would always expect you to keep wagging that tail. I would always expect to see you the next morning. I expect too much of you boy. I expected too much. and I just took you for granted. I love you so much nicky. I love you so much. I really hope you are in a better place now. You are so strong. So smart. As van says, I hope you're in doggie heaven now with all the bones and balls you can find. You may not have remembered Brandy or Whiskey, but if you see them up there, make friends okay? they're good dogs too. I love you. Please take care of yourself now. I will be thinking of you everyday when I look up. Everyday. I won't know who to take on walks now who knows how to hold their own leash like you do. I will make it a point to take Gin out more times too. I know you would want that, for her to at least do what she can on your behalf.

I've cried enough tears now. Or thats what I thought. Somehow my tears can't dry out for you. I've scrolled through enough pictures to make my heart ache for you. I think it will be much worst the next few days when reality has sunk in when i open the garage door and not seeing you there. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. But I will stay strong. I will for you as you have always done for me. I will push on just like you have always done for me. You were always there. Thank you for being part of my life nicky. Thank you.

Where's the good in goodbye?
There's no fair in farewell.
RIP Tonic 07.12.14

Anyeong.

Blank Space.

GUESS WHO IS FREE LIKE A BIRD...

Finally exams are over!!! Do you know how awesome it feels to wake up to a day filled with no plans, no  stress, no nothing? I can sleep till 12 and not feel guilty about it.
Ending our papers at 8pm haven't exactly been the most exciting thing over the past week, but hey if its over, i don't really care..All of the papers were good except econs so..crossing fingers!

CHOOSING YOUR NEXT STEP.
holy shit. I never knew choosing a university would be this stressful. Usyd Vs UNSW
I've spent nearly an hour reading forums and feedback pages on which is better but I don't exactly know what "theory based" etc means and all seem biased :/ ITS STRESSFUL I TELL YOU.

But yep, just a little over a week till i'm home sweet home (: CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MY FLUFFY!

Over this year as much as I hate the money sucking foundation and unilodge, i'm very thankful for the wonderful people i've met, the lovely memories shared, and the experiences i've gained. Nothing can ever replace this. You see the tops at their worst, the bottoms at their best. After coming here i've judged a whole lot more, but it opens my eyes to those who i thought they were but turned out to be someone different.

Never underestimate the power of innocence.




Anyeong!

No one can but you.