I've asked myself a billion and one times whether I've made the right choice with Law, and many a times, I've left myself with a heavy heart; in a dilemma. But what I finally realised is that it is not my concern with making the wrong choice or whether I'm dying now that is making me feel burdened, but whether it will all be worth it in the end. To an extent it is about the expectations my parents have on me, and how I am afraid to fail and disappoint them if I drop out, or change course. And to another extent, it is about getting to my "destination" and not being happy with it, and realising all that sleepless nights and stressful weeks were not worth it in the end.
"I failed so bad I had to go Australia where the studies are easier there. Even then, I did bad. Never made it past high school. Tried to go to US and never made it past community college. But you know where I found success? By doing what I love with an honest integrity to share my work with others around the world. You see, success is such a enigmatic goal. Because success is really defined through our life experiences which makes everyone's definition of success different. But I can say that once you reach it, life isn't much different. Learn to appreciate the journey. That's really where happiness, creative satisfaction and freedom comes from. If you aim for success, you focus on the destination and not the journey. You'll still be miserable at the end." -- some random dude on my friend's fb page, but I found this inspirational.
Appreciating the journey: Having this perspective in mind (perhaps just to make myself feel better), I guess I'll have to not worry whether i'll hate it or love it at the end of the day, but just take each day as it is, step by step. Not exactly saying it's gonna be in a walk in the park, but hey, that's what law school is about right? Riding a bike, where the bike is on fire, and you're riding through hell.
Before today, I repeatedly told myself I was done caring and obsessing over things that clearly would upset me in more ways than one. (refer to Feb's post) But yet, I was never truly done- until a few days ago that is. Or at least mostly done, more than I was last. I'm not sure if I was just trying to prove something by holding on for this long, to bear through those few months. But for what? At what cost? What did I learn? Sometimes, you just try so hard to save someone, but perhaps they just didn't want to be saved from the very beginning.
In time, I have just got to stop caring. Because I learnt that somethings are just not meant to be solved and saved, but just meant to be left alone to find its own path. Because I have tried and tried- so hard. What exactly am I trying to achieve by trying? I've lost reason to continue trying. I've lost faith. I go on about people who try too hard, when all along, I myself am a living example of contradiction.
Its a big world out there. A great big dangerous world, filled with countless unknowns; Somewhere where people will hurt you through ways unimaginable, use you for your status, or until you're useless, putting up this mask, to fool everyone.
Sometimes I wonder whether those who do those unto others, know what they're doing, and just go ahead with it because they're just sad shallow pitiful human beings, or somehow their character was just simply moulded in such a way to survive in this cruel world. Isn't that reality though?
Let me give you a simple example. In this modern society, networking is key, you attend social events for networking, get to know more people. But for what? What exactly is your ultimate goal? Friendship? yeaahh sure, more like partnerships, internships, a better career opportunity?
There are 2 types of people. Those who go ahead with putting up a business front, official and all, mingling at these events. And then there is another type, where they simply cannot bear the thought of putting up this "front" just to gain status/ benefits. But they are the ones that lose out at job opportunities etc. THEN AGAIN, I know there are times you truly think someone is truly interesting and you'd want to get to know them more, cos they've travelled the world, seen cool things, done awesome daredevil things. But really, most of the time, what are the chances that you give them a chance, or give yourself a chance to get to know them better, giving them the benefit of the doubt. And even if you are at the top purely through your hardwork and genuinity, there will be people who suck up to you for the sake of their own greed. So I'm at this point where I'm searching for the appropriate "balance", what is right, and what should be wrong. Bottom line is, you don't know what is real anymore.
For every downfall/ unexpected event that happens, you gotta see it as an opportunity- When one door closes, another opens. It shows you exactly the opposite- what you don't want to happen, or who you don't want to be, pushing yourself to become a better person. But I guess that is where I found it hard to understand, as to why good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people?
I did once think, "you simply have done so many wrongs in your life that you simply do not deserve such goodness and happiness". But who am I to judge? I myself am a sinner. I sin everyday, I simply am not perfect. Just because I don't do the things evil people do, do I have the right to judge them? Upon such judgement on my part, I am ashamed I have had such thoughts, to think one does not deserve such fortune upon oneself, for I lowered myself, to be beneath them. Hence, I think this time, there will be no turning back- for real.
If you stop talking much less think about something, it will soon fade into the background, together with all the chaos and stresses of the world, drowned in the pool of unwanted worries, and you'll soon realise, you've stopped caring about it altogether; you're finally free.
Here's to an oh-so-unwanted-too-early mid sem break.
One evening, my mother made dinner after a hard day's work.
She placed the jam and a plate with completely burnt toast in front of my father. I noticed the black toast immediately, but I was waiting to see if my father would notice it too.
My father however started to eat the toast and asked me about my day.
I don't remember anymore what I answered, but shortly thereafter, my other apologised about the burnt toast.
I will never forget what my father said, "Darling, I love burnt toast!"
When I went to bed later, I asked him if he really likes burnt toast.
He hugged me and whispered, your mother had a very demanding day today, she is tired.
Burnt toast won't hurt anybody, but words can be very painful.
Life is full of perfect things and faulty people.
To accept these mistakes and appreciate the differences; this is the key to a healthy and long-lasting relationship.
Being separated by millions of miles, you tend to learn how to be appreciative of the smallest things, no matter how insignificant it may seem to be, and even more if you know that someone went an extra mile, just to make you smile. I'm not even specifically referring to a relationship, for it applies to all other relationships, with your friends, and family. When you're so far away you start to lose contact with people, threads cut, bridges burned, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. It can no longer be an expectation for your friends to want to meet/ skype you every so often, because drifting apart is inevitable. It just happens. People give up when either side stops putting in the effort. And that is how things start to fall apart. So you start to appreciate the littlest effort people put in to catch up with you and what not; You yourself have to take the first step sometimes. Taking things for granted is when one slips up.
Ever seen what it's like to give a child a candy? Or what it's like to ask a child how was school, and they would just ramble on? I'm not comparing someone to the immaturity of a child, but to the innocence and true heart of one, back to a simpler time, where there was nothing to hide, no hidden agenda, no ulterior motive. To see someone speak with such passion and innocence, where their eyes light up in excitement, and in that moment, you can't help, but to be touched by the rare sight before you.
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
I can't deal. This semester i've made certain resolutions, which I have a feeling will go down the drain as soon as i post this. But, can't say i don't wish to try.
For one, I definitely want to become a better person. To focus on myself, and stop caring about the drama and gossip around. If i lose friends or lose whatever social status i had, so be it, cos making fake friends to climb some over-rated social ladder is not the way to go. Whenever I see spiteful people who go to weird extremes just to get their way, sometimes cutting people off at their knees, or using you until you're wrung dry and just tossing you away like used kleenex, I put myself in their shoes and question, "How can you live with yourself?". I view things and do things and make decisions on how I want to look back upon myself, whether I have lived a life I will be proud of in 10 or even a 100 years.
That's how I wish to live, and hopefully not be swayed by temptation or greed down the road. Sometimes you got to give up on people. Not because you stopped caring, but because they do.
Also, HAPPY LEAP DAY EVERY BUDDY :D
When a girl says it's fine, is she really? When she says she's okay, is she? When she says to go, don't go.
Is it not right to appear this vulnerable? Is that why we always say the opposite of what we really feel?
It's like we're leading separate lives, but i'm put in a position such that I can't demand anything else more. The particular circumstances placed upon us is just our luck. I've asked myself a million what ifs. What if we weren't separated by a million miles, a thousand cities, a hundred seas. Would everything be for the best or the worst?
To see his smile, his face light up, but all not for the right reasons. The fact that I can't be the reason of such joy, such relief, makes me doubt myself a thousand times. I can't help it, to feel that I don't bring such emotions, breaks me. Maybe I'm just thinking too much, but I can't help it.
"And little by little, I understood that there were many types of love. We do not choose the one we fall in love with, and our perception of happiness is our own and is determined by what we experience.."
Maybe it is because it is the loneliest day of the year tomorrow, and although I'm not alone, I still will technically be spending it alone. Oh but random thought, this is the fun thing about Valentine's day, you can celebrate it for your mum, or your foreveralone friends. You won't ever be alone. Whereas compared to Christmas, when everyone has family to spend it with, cos' once you're alone, you truly are.
I just hate having such thoughts, having to doubt myself, having to doubt him. I shouldn't be, and I needn't be. But I am.
THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT
Close your eyes and think about that boy. Tell me how he makes you feel. Let your mind tract over his tired shoulders. Allow your thoughts to linger on that beautiful smile. Take a deep breath and try to put those dark thoughts aside. For once, let go of the reins you've wrapped so tightly around your heart. I know you are scared. Who could blame you? Love is a hurricane wrapped inside a chrysalis. And you are a girl walking into the storm.
- Lang Leav
anyeong! Or maybe it's just because, I miss you. So much that it hurts. I can't help it.
For once, I actually missed my monthly post. Kinda itching me that I did, but its done anyway, but I had a pretty good reason for it. If anything, January was the very definition to starting the year off with a bang. The things that I have seen, experienced in a year, all squished into a month. It was one heck of a ride, and although it was great fun, its time to settle down. I've about another 3 weeks or so to get my mindset settled and put into the school mode. Seriously cannot see myself getting out of this vacation mood. Simply too relaxed, and even just the idea of going back to school haunts me.
January was crazy. Why you say? I did my first solo trip to UK! Well not exactly fully solo, because i had lovely people from the very start, and when i mean very start, I mean from the moment I stepped onto English grounds at Heathrow Airport, to the city and all for a good 5 days. My journey to Nottingham was alone, but I couldn't depend on people through the whole way could I? Had to grow some independence ;) It was chilly, but the cold didn't matter when you had people around you who cared to warm your heart. A special shout out to Kitty Kat for taking care of me the last 7 days around UK, from booking our accommodation, to train tickets, and to even food reservation and of course for putting up with my constant whining. Without her, I definitely would not have survived.
There are many things in life that I do in fact regret, and some things I know I ought to have some sort of regret. But this time, what I should be regretting, shan't be. And what I thought could have been done, won't be done. For I know, whatever happened, is only what can be called a lesson learnt. In fact, I can confidently say, no ragrats.
Sometimes you question yourself, "Why?", when really the true question is "Why not?".
There will be countless things that happen in life that did not go according to plan, and sometimes for the worst or for the best. But for most times, we will only focus on the bad, and remember the failures. It could be human nature to focus on the bad or whatever it is that did not go according to plan or our expectation, hence we frown upon it. But since when did we have to frown upon something just because we did not expect it or it is not "the norm"?
I'm not saying to go about everything with a YOLO attitude or something, but you can't cry over spilt milk, it is the past. The past is history, the future is mystery. If you ask yourself the question "Why not?", it switches your whole perspective on appreciation and opens your mind to be more accepting of those who do things out of the norm. So be afraid. But be afraid, and then do it anyway.
Just like those people who choose to see whether a glass of water is half empty or half filled.
Life is too short not to take chances.
Just like taking on the SSA Boomerang Camp 2016, the morning after we arrived from UK, people may think I was crazy, but really, it was the exposure, the experience and the memories makes the craziness within seem all worth it. I was of course the youngest of the lot, and my OGlings all call me a kid when in fact they are my kids, but really games and all covered despite the tiredness, it was great fun. It is different when you are a third person overseeing the camp rather than being involved. You are able to differentiate a leader from a follower, passion from compassion. And through it all, you learn more about yourself, and from those around you as well.
Sometimes the consequences or the cost it will take when you make a particular decision scare the shit out of me, but at the end of the day, you look back, and think what you have gained, not the losses. Even so, if the gains outweighs the loss, then, why not? Obviously this does not include jumping off the Harbour Bridge or something that extreme, but its the sort of risk that is still reasonable and within the "humane spectrum" of things yknow? Do it to do it, not to have done it.
It's crazy how things can change just within a year. Screw that, how things can change within a month. This time last year, things were very different
SCHOOL
Firstly, it may have felt like it happened super duper long ago, but it was only a year ago that i completed foundation year. I can't even remember the last time i was worrying about the Binomial Theorem, or whether you click V or H Lookup for computer class. If I thought foundation year past fast, first year uni definitely was the very definition of lightning speed.
Looking back, how was school? Did i regret any of the things this year? What can be improved? What can I learn? In terms of exposure, i've definitely met more people from different walks of life, made some local white friends (which is not me being racist by pointing out their colour, but just that i never saw myself clicking with them), found so many more friendships that I can depend on and laugh with till my stomach ached, and formed bonds that can never be broken. I guess the only thing I do regret is not going out enough. But comparing from last year, i definitely had an improvement, just that now, i'd like to venture to new places, instead of going back to the old. And another regret, is obviously not paying attention in both my accounting and QA classes heh. I realised that the amount of effort you put in, is really the grade you get. and I really got what i deserved lol. Yes, i had last minute 100% effort, but I think what I should be really striving for is consistent effort. WHOOSH. Okay, knowing this, next sem I really have to up my game. With only 1 law subject but already taking up majority of my time and "burden", I'm not sure what I am going to do with 2 next year. But, I really have to suck it up and give it my all. The singapore education system did not train me for nothing.
Weirdly speaking, "next year" is literally in 2 days. I can't even.
THE SOUL
I don't even know where to start with what is going on with me and my heart in the past month. At the start of the 5 months, where we wanted to just "give it a try", in my heart, honestly speaking, I was like "no go. definitely no go." And even through that period, there were days I just felt like the worst, felt like giving up, and constantly asked myself, if this was worth it. This was me committing to someone I barely knew, I only met once, and knew for 4 days, someone who was a stranger just 6 months ago. The amount of trust i gave was definitely questionable, but yet unconditional and somehow, felt right. I didn't know what it was, but I gave it my all, without thinking of the consequences. I took the leap of faith. And I'm glad I did, because after 5 months of waiting. I must say it was worth it. All worth it. Was my Europe trip with Kat worth the sacrifice as well? I must say. Yes. I know where comes a chance, I will travel again. But nothing would be able to replace this December. I'm thankful for the things that happened, and the things that did not. For whatever I have up till today would not have happened if not for the good and the bad. So to those who broke my heart or messed with my feelings, thank you for making me appreciate those who won't take things for granted. To those who never trusted distance, thank you for making me appreciate closeness so much more. And finally to those who ran when they feared, thank you for making me see and appreciate those who stayed.
Have you ever just looked at something, and it just clicks in you, and you just know. That in that moment you were infinite. You wish that moment would last forever, cos' everything was just right. It is like a sudden struck of realisation, but yet also a peace of mind, and warmth of the heart. It was as if I could die there and then, but still leave this earth a happy woman with no regrets. It was as if, I could give my heart up in that instant, and let it be torn to pieces, and I wouldn't even care, cos' that was just how much I was willing to take the risk, the leap of faith, to trust.
Everything happens for a reason. People come into your life, some come and leave, while some stay. But the bottom-line is, each person come with a story, and it is through them we learn what we want, who we want to become, and how we want to live our lives with the values and lessons learned.
I don't know what the future holds, and I definitely can't say it will be easy. But together with faith and trust, I trust that as long as we embark on this journey together, fear of insecurity and distance will be overcome as long as we have the willingness and determination to try. As long as we try. That is all that matters right? We don't give up hope. We give up despair and unrealistic expectations. We give in to faith and trust.
Here's to a new year, with a new me, and a new goal.
Anyeong,
may all have a blessed new year (:
How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. - Winnie the Pooh
Why do bad things happen to good people in this world? "Good" may not be the right terminology, but why do the lives of the innocent get destroyed in an instant just because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time?
On Friday 13th, the city of Paris fell into darkness, establishing a nationwide lockdown. Few days prior, earthquakes, suicide bombings, shootings happened in all other parts of the world too. Why do innocent people have to die? Is that the price they have to pay because of the selfish needs and demands of their leaders? Honestly there is no way to end this war, for it had already started. I have no right to say who is in the wrong or right, or who started this war, or who is bad or not. But I know that it is an action you get a reaction. It could have started because of some minor disagreement or misunderstanding, such that a childish immature thinking of "you pushed me, so I shall push you back" mentality could be the root of all this.
Is the pride of man valued at such a cost to sacrifice innocent lives?
UK BOUND
I've finally booked dem tickets, and i'll be off to the land of (what do they call dem englishmen?) in about a month's time. I'm super excited, but yet the planning process will be hectic. I mean usually we would travel with our parents, where everything is already planned for. But now, i'm flying solo, lol I guess this is what growing up is. Taking on responsibilities for our own actions.
FREEDOM?
Now you would think just because exams are over i'm "free". Well, sort of-ish, but the cleaning and packing of the house, and organising of little errands around the house is so tiring...I just wanna go to some deserted island and roll around the beach, with a free mind, not caring two hoots about the world.
Am I trying too hard? Once again, am I falling into my own trap? Am I breaking rules?
