Wrecked Ship.

27 days down, 13 weeks till homebound!
Somehow after 3 semesters, this is the worst one of the lot. I guess most of the stress comes from having 3 laws, with the constant burden and reminder that you'll never be done with your readings, in which you sacrifice your social life, and your sleep. Its the prism dilemma, where you always have to give up something, suffer a detriment, to enjoy the benefits of another. And most of the times we make the wrong decisions, but that's opportunity cost for you ladies and gentleman, once the decision is made there's no turning back. Many a times i learn that the hard way, choosing procrastination over my priorities.




It's not all rainbows and butterflies. Nor is it a bed of roses. 
What we post online, or even what we gush on about our lives to others, is what we want them to think. Of course not intentionally, but it is what we remember and hold dearly to our hearts, and really, it is what people ask about- which normally consists of all the good stuff, all the happy endings, hence seemingly coming off as if you're going on about in this world with perfect blessings all around us, perfect house, perfect family, and that our life in itself is perfect.

But here's the funny thing, people show you the happy side, but you never really know what's going on behind that picture. A click is all it takes to capture a happy moment, but you never really bother to see what happens after that one click. Life is more than just that one click. Life moves on is what i'm saying.

Now, it is your duty to not let your picture be of lies, to be merely a facade, hiding all emotions behind it. Social media is queen of this. There I was, a victim, fooled by the perfect portrayal of what should and should not be.

HOLD UP HOLD UP HOLD UP. I'M OVER THIS.

As I thought about this longer, I stumbled upon a revelation.
I always go on laughing about my friends (or really just one friend) who have their lives revolving around something, be it work, education, their partner, Pokemon Go. I always mock them- saying that its not healthy, they don't have any balance, they're gonna be a wreck. Reality is, I am this wreck too. The ship has sailed, hit an iceberg, and now its slowly sinking. Now before this ship goes completely down under, I gotta stop it. And its not too late to save it. Or so I hope.
Its foundation is weak; it is fragile, and vulnerable. But only for now.
The freaking ocean is so damn big, there's so much more out there. Don't confine yourself. and to go out there and venture forth, this is definitely not the way.

anyeong!

Departure Halls.

If you knew me, you'd know (for some rhyme or reason or maybe for the simple reason- being Singaporean) I'd hate anything that involved wasting my time. So naturally, activities like shopping where it involves walking around aimlessly all while by the end of the day having achieved nothing, would to an extent, frustrate me. But this winter, I've come to the realisation, that it's not what you've achieved in the end, but whether you had fun during the journey. (Hence the quote "Not the destination but the journey that matters.) And with this thought in mind, I started to appreciate the smallest of things, making me hold onto moments far more better. You know how books always have those "And in that moment" clauses, I had alot of those moments.

Because you must know, that time change, people change, so you hold on to those memories, to remember and remind yourself, what it was like to be in that moment. Time slips through your fingers -like running water. You don't take things for granted just because you have it everyday, see it everyday, assume it will be there the next day just cos' it was here today.




Have you ever walked down the streets before with someone, and the second time once more, but this time, you're alone? It's like you're re-living memories, familiar streets, remembering what had happened there, thinking to yourself and smiling, but suddenly your smile falls, because you realise, you're reliving it, but alone. I didn't know it was possible, to feel a hole, as if a chunk of me was taken away from me. As dramatic as that sounds- I did feel it, the moment those doors closed before me, I was at loss. And I didn't know what was worse; knowing I wasn't strong enough, or that i'd have to be either way cos' life ain't a bed of roses and if I can't stand up on my own, who else is going to?

It's back to reality.

Back to the routine of drowning my emotions in panic and stress of uni work and assignments, hoping that amongst all this, time will fly by, just like it did all those moments ago.

I miss you, already.

anyeong (:

Thin Ice.

Everyone wants to feel wanted, to feel needed, to feel loved.

You know what's scary?
Me, needing you more than you need me.
Me, being scared shitless of one day losing you, while the feeling may not be mutual.
Me, depending my whole and my entirety on you, should one day you leave, i'll be left with nothing, but broken pieces of the "what could be's"; broken pieces of me.
Me, being lost forever without you, while I, just a faded memory of yours.
Me, being vulnerable, treading on thin ice.



That's the thing about investing every inch of your being into something, that with every step you take, you move forward, but you leave a piece behind, hoping that one day, you will be able to look back, and retrace your steps with those pieces, finding your way back home.

Fear, is what makes you vulnerable.
Fear, is what instills doubt.

Don't misunderstand me. Not doubt in you, but doubt in me, that i'm not perfect. Yes, no one's perfect, and all I needed was to be perfect for you. But what if, I'm not? Only to be just another Jane Doe, easily replaced, only to be left behind as a mere forgotten memory.

Then again, this could all just be fruitless, mere ramblings or even nonsense if you may call it, for all you know, it could just be the mere yearn, want, and need, to see you and hold you, and be by your side once again.

It could just be an empty rant, to tell you:

I miss you. 

Here's to FINALS starting in 2 days!!!! Hopefully it'll be over as soon as it starts :) hehehe
anyeong!

What makes you, breaks you.

Satin Sheets.

Even though we all have that one person we wish could come back, what we really should wish for is someone who never leaves. -Rania Naim

You never really know what you've got until you lose it. So you don't take things for granted, starting from the beginning. And while it may be tiring to constantly have this reminder at the back of your head, you better try your damnest, because these are the little things that will make you regret at the end of they day. Time. 

Even the smallest things, you stop and take a step back. "Think before you act." When I was younger, that was the common 'moral of the story's, but I never really understood it until I grew up. Not exactly say I have, but I'm trying to grasp this concept. Most of the time, I let my emotions take control of my actions, doing without thinking, never seeing or caring for the ripples from my stone's throw, always thinking of the "now" and not the "after". Perspective.

Repressing all emotions you had, to numb the heartache that had build up over the past months, only to have it one day come crashing down all at once. Unconsciously blocking out the only thing that makes you vulnerable, so as to stay strong, for yourself. Having those walls break down, where do you go from here? Patience.

"Tis the journey, not the destination that matters." Then again, whoever said the journey of life was going to be easy? Mainly due to expectations that causes these ups and downs. But that is why, it is from this 'journey', these 'ups and downs' that make us learn the lessons of life. Lest we forget, know that you're not alone in your battles, and that you have people who care about you, who loves you. Rising up and forward. It may seem tough but you are blessed. Satin sheets. 




LAST WEEK OF UNI!!!!
Omg, I have never felt this excited in my life. Each passing semester has increasingly become a blur. It just flies past. I do indeed feel this semester was slightly better than last semester though, weirdly. But this sem, my procrastination game has been pretty high. Time to buck up kris....Here's to the last week of hell, and the next 3 weeks of even more hell. 28 MORE DAYS WOOHOO!!
This time next month, I will finally be back home, home in the comfort of my own surroundings, covered in the veil of familiarity.

anyeong!
wait for me to come home.

Crumpled Paper.

I've asked myself a billion and one times whether I've made the right choice with Law, and many a times, I've left myself with a heavy heart; in a dilemma. But what I finally realised is that it is not my concern with making the wrong choice or whether I'm dying now that is making me feel burdened, but whether it will all be worth it in the end. To an extent it is about the expectations my parents have on me, and how I am afraid to fail and disappoint them if I drop out, or change course. And to another extent, it is about getting to my "destination" and not being happy with it, and realising all that sleepless nights and stressful weeks were not worth it in the end.  

"I failed so bad I had to go Australia where the studies are easier there. Even then, I did bad. Never made it past high school. Tried to go to US and never made it past community college. But you know where I found success? By doing what I love with an honest integrity to share my work with others around the world. You see, success is such a enigmatic goal. Because success is really defined through our life experiences which makes everyone's definition of success different. But I can say that once you reach it, life isn't much different. Learn to appreciate the journey. That's really where happiness, creative satisfaction and freedom comes from. If you aim for success, you focus on the destination and not the journey. You'll still be miserable at the end." -- some random dude on my friend's fb page, but I found this inspirational.

Appreciating the journey: Having this perspective in mind (perhaps just to make myself feel better), I guess I'll have to not worry whether i'll hate it or love it at the end of the day, but just take each day as it is, step by step. Not exactly saying it's gonna be in a walk in the park, but hey, that's what law school is about right? Riding a bike, where the bike is on fire, and you're riding through hell. 

Our greatest fear is if our dream isn’t for us. / 

You have to remember to be human. / 

Remember that you are struggling because you have to, that nothing good comes easy, and as cliché as it may be, remember that the fire that melts butter is the same fire that hardens steel. 

-Laura Murallos

Anyeong! 

Here's to surviving these 2 weeks of hell. 

Sometimes, I just want to curl into a ball and forget about everything around me.

living a lie.

Before today, I repeatedly told myself I was done caring and obsessing over things that clearly would upset me in more ways than one. (refer to Feb's post) But yet, I was never truly done- until a few days ago that is. Or at least mostly done, more than I was last. I'm not sure if I was just trying to prove something by holding on for this long, to bear through those few months. But for what? At what cost? What did I learn? Sometimes, you just try so hard to save someone, but perhaps they just didn't want to be saved from the very beginning.

In time, I have just got to stop caring. Because I learnt that somethings are just not meant to be solved and saved, but just meant to be left alone to find its own path. Because I have tried and tried- so hard. What exactly am I trying to achieve by trying? I've lost reason to continue trying. I've lost faith. I go on about people who try too hard, when all along, I myself am a living example of contradiction.

Its a big world out there. A great big dangerous world, filled with countless unknowns; Somewhere where people will hurt you through ways unimaginable, use you for your status, or until you're useless, putting up this mask, to fool everyone.
Sometimes I wonder whether those who do those unto others, know what they're doing, and just go ahead with it because they're just sad shallow pitiful human beings, or somehow their character was just simply moulded in such a way to survive in this cruel world. Isn't that reality though?

Let me give you a simple example. In this modern society, networking is key, you attend social events for networking, get to know more people. But for what? What exactly is your ultimate goal? Friendship? yeaahh sure, more like partnerships, internships, a better career opportunity?
There are 2 types of people. Those who go ahead with putting up a business front, official and all, mingling at these events. And then there is another type, where they simply cannot bear the thought of putting up this "front" just to gain status/ benefits. But they are the ones that lose out at job opportunities etc. THEN AGAIN, I know there are times you truly think someone is truly interesting and you'd want to get to know them more, cos they've travelled the world, seen cool things, done awesome daredevil things. But really, most of the time, what are the chances that you give them a chance, or give yourself a chance to get to know them better, giving them the benefit of the doubt. And even if you are at the top purely through your hardwork and genuinity, there will be people who suck up to you for the sake of their own greed. So I'm at this point where I'm searching for the appropriate "balance", what is right, and what should be wrong. Bottom line is, you don't know what is real anymore.



For every downfall/ unexpected event that happens, you gotta see it as an opportunity- When one door closes, another opens. It shows you exactly the opposite- what you don't want to happen, or who you don't want to be, pushing yourself to become a better person. But I guess that is where I found it hard to understand, as to why good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people?

I did once think, "you simply have done so many wrongs in your life that you simply do not deserve such goodness and happiness". But who am I to judge? I myself am a sinner. I sin everyday, I simply am not perfect. Just because I don't do the things evil people do, do I have the right to judge them? Upon such judgement on my part, I am ashamed I have had such thoughts, to think one does not deserve such fortune upon oneself, for I lowered myself, to be beneath them. Hence, I think this time, there will be no turning back- for real.

If you stop talking much less think about something, it will soon fade into the background, together with all the chaos and stresses of the world, drowned in the pool of unwanted worries, and you'll soon realise, you've stopped caring about it altogether; you're finally free.

Here's to an oh-so-unwanted-too-early mid sem break.

Anyeong!

When I'm with you, I'm standing with an army.

Burnt Toast.

Let me tell you a story I stumbled upon,

One evening, my mother made dinner after a hard day's work.

She placed the jam and a plate with completely burnt toast in front of my father. I noticed the black toast immediately, but I was waiting to see if my father would notice it too.

My father however started to eat the toast and asked me about my day. 

I don't remember anymore what I answered, but shortly thereafter, my other apologised about the burnt toast.

I will never forget what my father said, "Darling, I love burnt toast!"

When I went to bed later, I asked him if he really likes burnt toast.

He hugged me and whispered, your mother had a very demanding day today, she is tired.

Burnt toast won't hurt anybody, but words can be very painful.

Life is full of perfect things and faulty people.

To accept these mistakes and appreciate the differences; this is the key to a healthy and long-lasting relationship.

Being separated by millions of miles, you tend to learn how to be appreciative of the smallest things, no matter how insignificant it may seem to be, and even more if you know that someone went an extra mile, just to make you smile. I'm not even specifically referring to a relationship, for it applies to all other relationships, with your friends, and family. When you're so far away you start to lose contact with people, threads cut, bridges burned, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. It can no longer be an expectation for your friends to want to meet/ skype you every so often, because drifting apart is inevitable. It just happens. People give up when either side stops putting in the effort. And that is how things start to fall apart. So you start to appreciate the littlest effort people put in to catch up with you and what not; You yourself have to take the first step sometimes. Taking things for granted is when one slips up. 

Ever seen what it's like to give a child a candy? Or what it's like to ask a child how was school, and they would just ramble on? I'm not comparing someone to the immaturity of a child, but to the innocence and true heart of one, back to a simpler time, where there was nothing to hide, no hidden agenda, no ulterior motive. To see someone speak with such passion and innocence, where their eyes light up in excitement, and in that moment, you can't help, but to be touched by the rare sight before you.



FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
I can't deal. This semester i've made certain resolutions, which I have a feeling will go down the drain as soon as i post this. But, can't say i don't wish to try.

For one, I definitely want to become a better person. To focus on myself, and stop caring about the drama and gossip around. If i lose friends or lose whatever social status i had, so be it, cos making fake friends to climb some over-rated social ladder is not the way to go. Whenever I see spiteful people who go to weird extremes just to get their way, sometimes cutting people off at their knees, or using you until you're wrung dry and just tossing you away like used kleenex, I put myself in their shoes and question, "How can you live with yourself?". I view things and do things and make decisions on how I want to look back upon myself, whether I have lived a life I will be proud of in 10 or even a 100 years.

That's how I wish to live, and hopefully not be swayed by temptation or greed down the road.
Sometimes you got to give up on people. Not because you stopped caring, but because they do. 

Also, HAPPY LEAP DAY EVERY BUDDY :D

anyeong (:
missing you, forever and always.