Mended wings.

CHANGES
were necessary. It had been too long sticking to the old. It is the start of something new.
Gone were the the old pillars of strength and the blogskin/layout. Looking back at my old posts back in '09 or anywhere around that period, were legit cringe worthy. Who the heck spells in short forms like "rite" or "haven" or "tgt". oh bless me. Now that this layout even have the blog titles under archives, it is even more cringe worthy :p Please don't judge, I was p5/6 that had apparently no IQ or EQ heh..

BROKEN WINGS
it's been way too long. It has gotten to a point where i've forgotten what it felt like to be to be free. In fact, I thought it would be nearly impossible to feel this again. Like a bird with broken wings, I fell into a hole, where only darkness and loneliness surrounded me. I had no choice but to learn how to embrace them, amongst other things, trying to find the light that would save me. I was blinded by darkness, led to believe that I had no way of escaping, that I was forced to remain pathetic and helpless, forever depending on the fact that one day someone will come and save me. Somehow the idea that I had to depend on that someone to save me to see the light once again, remained in my head for such a long time, that I didn't bother looking for any alternatives. I assumed that one day that person would remember me and come back, so I waited, and waited. I was so foolish and pathetic to wait for someone so long, someone who didn't care if i existed or not, someone who took me for granted, dragged me by the string, through the mud. Only did I realise that he was dragging other strings as well, that I decided to stop this foolish thinking of mine.

In this cruel world, no one will help you only if you help yourself first. People are fighting for survival, and if you don't make an effort to fight, you'll drown sooner or later. I did it for myself, to have no more burdens, and once I realised that, I took the shards out of my broken wings, one by one, and day by day, soon, I was able to spread my wings and reach for the sky, to see the light, and have clarity once again.



WAIT FOR ME?
Some people look for love. Others wait for it. I forget about it altogether, for I believe if the right one comes by, he'll remind you of what love is again, and help you to trust it again.
Everything happens for a reason yes? I believe in fate. If we cross paths, we cross paths. If not, we don't. Sometimes two persons could be so similar but yet their paths travel parallel, never meeting. I was just lucky enough to have my path crossed with him. Just when I let go of that someone, and just when I thought there wasn't anyone else that could make me feel this way again, to make me believe in myself, he came along. I was actually perfectly fine with the whole "I may not have this feeling again for a long long time" part, but somehow fate has funny ways of surprising us right round the corner. I'm not even sure of this feeling yet, perhaps even still on unstable shaky grounds,  but it is the start of something new. But as always, when something goes well, there will forever be some obstruction, as if fate shoving it in our faces, to remind us that happiness don't come easy, we have to work for it. Distance is a funny thing, but worst than that, is time.

DISTANCE AND TIME
To be flown half way around the world, how does one maintain that connection? It is one thing to have determination, but to be exposed to other foreign influences, it will be detrimental, and perhaps even hopeless.

For now, I guess it is only wise to treasure what we have, before the time comes when we have to split ways, even on the basis of just a friendship. Although I know what we have is temporary, it pains me to know what is to come. Occasional holiday breaks will be my only salvation, that is, if this bond is anything, but temporary.

Here's to new friendships that saved me.

anyeong!

big girls cry when their hearts are breaking.

Three goodbyes.

Surprise surprise- guess who finally changed her blogskin after 1001 years. (Hopefully nik finds this more pleasing to the eyes yes?) This change is definitely for the better.



STARTING AFRESH.
Sometimes it's pretty hard to think about what is good for you and what is not. What you have to cut off, and what you should hold unto. Just like when a doctor have to make a decision if a wound can be cured, or if it is beyond all hope and have to be amputated. If not, the infection will spread, and it will harm you in the long run. These are not decisions we like to make, but ones we have to make- for our own good, overall.

Water Under the Bridge?
All my life I've always been on the side that wants to salvage the infection- the situation, always looking for an alternative, the last hope, that could save that last straw. I've never been someone to hate. Sooner or later there will be some "drifting apart", or some to the point of just strangers, but never to the extent of pure shame, disappointment or hatred that I have decided to make this stand. This stand of having enough, putting my foot down and finally making a decision for myself, to cut off the ropes that i've held on for far too long- ropes that were hurting my hands. These bridges that were held on by such frail ropes, it's time to let go. Bridges were built originally to connect two masses. How a bridge is built is from both ends, such that the completion of it would require the coordination and compliance from both sides, not just one. However, the sad part is that the destruction of one could be from either end, and this time it is from my end. I've thought long and hard, and this was not something I managed to decide overnight. It was more of over the years, the threads frailed, and the ropes thinned, allowing the very foundation holding the bridges to waver.

Burning Bridges;
Did I want this to happen? Of course not. Did I foresee this happening? Most definitely not. But I'm already at my last straw, what can I do anymore? Moreover, these are the friendships I used to depend on all the time. I thought they were the strongest, the most sturdiest, the most dependent. I don't know what to do anymore. Now, it would've been so much better if I were to be burning one bridge at a time. And then I would've been able to talk to the other two about it. But nup, somehow fate or some voice in my head just decides to burn all three at one go. Sounds like some 3-in-1 coffee lol. Three- funny how influence comes in threes: Goldilocks and the three bears, Three little pigs, the three sisters, the three musketeers, three blind mice, three billy goats gruff...

I don't even know how I should feel about this. Sad? Relieved? Most definitely unexpected. I'll take this one day at a time. I can't afford to hold onto something that don't even pause to think of what I have to say. Do you expect me to always think of things to suit your needs? I am done pleasing such people, I'm done wasting my time and energy on those who don't give a second thought about me. It is impossible for me to have such energy to sustain such relationships that are toxic to my well-being at the end of the day. I'm done.

Haha, on the side note, some may think I'm being immature and ridiculous, and I speak as if I've already lived a hundred years. But I'm not claiming to have the wisdom of an oak tree to speak of a phrase "all my life", so some may think I'm just speaking nonsense, barely 1/4 of full age and already filled with ignorance, or some insult like that. If you're thinking that, you're most probably one of the bridges I had already decided to burn. People like you, is why people like me get sick of your arrogance and have decided to cut you off. And those who still hold on, are those who pity you, those who still require your service/money, or those who are same like you.

I'm finally able to hold my head up high. I won't be dragged down no more.
It's weird how this burden has finally been laid down (off). This change is definitely for the better.

anyeong (:

Changes, to move forward- building on the new.