The Longshot.

It's already the end of June. I don't know the theory behind how time flies. But when someone figures that out, please give me a call yeah? To think just a year ago I was talking about how fast the semester goes, but in fact time had zoomed past even faster this year. I didn't even feel that I finished even a month. Where did all those weeks go? What were those valuable hours used for/on? You never really appreciate something until they are gone.

EXAMS ARE FINALLY OVER
After 3 torturous weeks, it has finally come to an end. It was a legit roller coaster, and just like the feeling of getting off one, it was exhilarating, and I am definitely glad I got it over and done with, but in no mood of returning to that state any time soon. I'm mentally drained, completely. 3 weeks: although grateful to the "extra study time", it is way too long. I'll need a pretty long break to recover I think.

Uni exams are really brought to a whole new level. I'm not sure if I'm just pure stupid, but I actually struggled with all my 4 courses this sem? Or Uni kids are just really smart. Haiz, giving myself the benefit of the doubt lol.. Like I wasn't even 100% confident with the easiest subject- Micro. Accounting, the subject that everyone loves and call it "easy peasy", I find it difficult. Oh lord. Then there goes Stats. I had about 7 days to prepare for it, and I had never felt so sian in my life to study a certain topic. This was due to the main reason that I had NO freaking idea what I had to study, I did not know what I didn't know, I didn't know the type of questions, I did not know the formulas to apply..basically I was screwed. During those 7 days I thought that I was going crazy. I had never felt so useless and hopeless in my life. I thought to myself, "I'd rather study law than this hopeless subject."..Then came the day when I eventually had to sit down and study law. Oh. My. Freaking. God. Nothing comes easy I assure you. I slacked a bit in the first 3 days. But my last 3 days up to the exam were the most intensive studying hours of my entire life. I have never sat down in one spot from 10am- 8pm (with a 30min lunch break) studying my ass off trying to understand what was required of me. My attitude towards Law was pretty much the same as Stats: Clueless. The only difference was that Law had a structure, step-by-step kind of thing, that allowed me to at least understand each chapter through something called the English language. Then again, some of it were in Latin..so..LOL. But the paper went horribly- 20min for a 2x20m Essay question? HD here I come.

Through these past weeks, the only thing I realised was that whatever I studied..absolutely did not come out. Or rather what I focused on, did not come out. Do you know how sian that feels.... How could I be so spot on for all subjects to be so zun and miss it completely? I don't know. I guess I possess such talent.

HOLIDAYS
Finally, let the holidays begin. This will really be a much needed rest. Absolutely drained. Super duper excited to return to SG for all the international people from all corners of the earth are finally united in SG YAAAAAAYYYY super eggcited (: Super miss all these lovables. It is so hard to appreciate true friendship here. Only a handful lasts here. Super super grateful to those back in SG (:

FINAL THOUGHTS
I've officially given up..about 2 weeks ago. It's alright, I've come clean. Unbelievable I know, I even doubt myself up until this second, but..I think it's time. It really has been too long. I really need to take this chance to start anew, to find myself, to find my footing on other things. It's a wakeup call. It's the real deal. One step forward two steps back no more. I'm grateful for her, for without her I would not have seen what laid beneath. I would've been still delusion-ised until today. It's like, I'm back to square 1, but this time, with one less baggage. It's a lighter feeling. No more worries, no concerns or problems I need to bother myself with.

I'm finally free.
I know it is a longshot.

anyeong (:

--300th post omg. dedicated to those who survived the exams, and to those who still follow this rubbish-ranting-small-font-about-to-lose-my-eyesight blog, who bother to still stay updated with my mundane life even after 6 years (: lots of love for you (:

Proud to be.

I went with my gut, I gave in, but who ever said giving in to what your heart wants would be a bad thing? I live in this temporary bliss.




I HAVE FINALS TOMORROW AND LIKE WTF AM I DOING BLOGGING? Well let me tell you why, it's because of the bloody construction going on 2 levels above, and yes even through such thickness I can still hear the prominent drilling and knocking FOR THE PAST 2 FKING MONTHS. LIKE BITCH WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BUILDING, THE TAJ MAHAL?! OR THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA?!?!

Okay, I really try to calm down and be all civil about it..but c'mon 1 week or so i'm good. But my patience can only hold on for so long.. and 2 months of constant drilling starting from 845 is PURE TORTURE. It got so bad that last night when I was heading to bed at 245, I actually thought of staying up to study till 845, so I can have peace, and just get some sleep when the drilling starts.

Enough of drilling, what I need to do is get some information drilled into my head instead. I'm at this point where I'm reading, studying, but i'm not exactly sure if anything is going through?

SEAGAMES 2015
Oh my lord, I wasn't suppose to follow the Games so closely this year such that i'll know who won what, BUT IT WAS AMAZING. Swimming was harvesting the Golds day in day out, hitting our 50th Gold for SG%) just 2 days ago by Tao Li, and getting our 51st by Zheng Wen. And omg don't even get me started on the Women 4x200m Free Relay. I nearly died watching- we were losing by like 5m (+1.56) even till the last 200m, but Ting Wen caught up in the last 50m. LIKE THE LAST FRICKIN LAP. Now I don't know what you wanna call last minute, but that was literally the last torturous minute of my life. Even with the time difference and distance, thanks to the advancement of technology called Youtube Live streaming, I got to feel the excitement in the comfort of my own room. But you could imagine if I was feeling that alone as 1 person, what more to be with your team in a stadium filled with thousands of people screaming their heads off cheering team SG on.



And more often than enough, I only get inspired by people I know personally; could be a close friend, a childhood buddy, a talented relative or something, but after watching that race, it was my first time being super inspired by someone I did not know personally: Ting Wen. To have felt that inspiration even through a computer screen, it was really overwhelming. It was to the point that I even felt inspired to return to swimming LOL. I don't know, but to have so many friends participating in the Games this year, really made me want to be part of the whole seagames fananza.

Half way through the prize ceremony, the sound system died, and though there was an awkward silence for 5s, the crowd started singing the national anthem acapella. It was amazing, to the point that I was so proud to be a Singaporean?! The feels I tell you. (@ 4:58)



FINALS
now let the real games begin. I really don't know how i'm gonna survive this, but I have to right? Just 3 weeks. 3 more weeks till freedom. I can do this omg. My lack of confidence these few weeks is really getting to me. But I still feel super lost? But yesterday I went through my calling spree, and it was really much needed laughter. Be it 1min, 5min, 30min or even 2h, THANK YOU GUYS FOR MAKING MY NIGHT. May have wasted time, time I could've spent sleeping, or studying, but it was time worth wasting.

DEPENDENCY
How do you depend on someone? How do you know you can depend on them? Reassurance?

anyeong! (:
This glimmer of hope I hold onto, is it temporary? Or forever?

Missing Puzzle Piece.

HELLO THERE JUNE.
I thought i missed a month, omg i'll be so sad HAHA.

How fast this year has gone..its already mid year...

Just like last year, I feel that this year have flew past. Though this time, not as if like a blur, but kinda made the most of the time, more than the last time at least. It's different. Different good.
Although I hate being dragged out as it means opportunity cost of lazing around- yes i am a potato and i like being one; I'm kinda thankful to my sister for doing it, because once she goes back, not in the worlds name that I myself will go exploring alone. Like i can shop alone sure, but getting lost alone is another matter HAHA. Solitude yay or nay?

EXAMS
are here. In exactly 1 week and 4 days, i'm sitting for my first paper--> and i didn't know this at the start of the year, but micro is an MCQ paper?!?!?! HAHAHAHA sorry, feel my excitement? there's a 25% chance i'll pass no matter what HAHAHA. just the thought of it is quite amusing. then comes accounting oh god..EVERYONE I KNOW- even the blondes SAYS ITS EZPZ 123 LIKE WHAT. Am I the only blur one that doesn't know which journals goes where and bla bla bla? And this exam torture is going to go on for the next 13 days....but being spread over 3 weeks like what even AAAAHHHHH idk I'm just so numb from all the stress... In fact i don't even know if what i'm feeling is stress. lol.

LUCID DREAMS
I'm having those dreams again. I don't like them. Or rather, I like them so much that I hate it because it gives me false hope. False hopes of the future that will never ever materialise. So why do I keep letting myself go through something that is so emotionally draining and mentally abusive...

I'm facing this dilemma, to give in to what my heart wants, or to hold on to what little dignity i have left. If you have left someone twice, not once, wouldn't it be reasonable for me to put up some barrier to protect myself? After all these years, I'll be such a fool to go crawling back. I'll be such a fool. But will I be a fool for you? Heh, once bitten, twice shy, three times a fool. Or rather, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me; but fool me thrice, i'm an idiot and you're a jerk. I'll build up walls. That's what i'll do. Someone better come with a fking wrecking ball to save me before you do.

On the side note: i've stopped writing in my dream journal. I kinda need to find something to write. Something worth to write, not something that would leave me helpless and vulnerable. Something inspiring, something that would be worth looking back on.



FLASHBACK 1 MONTH AGO
the unexpected happened, took a turn, and came at us just when everyone was set to depart, we were all called back. We booked a flight within an hour of the news, packed our bags, and we were out within the next 12 hours. My grandfather was a man of few words; he didn't speak much, but he always smiled no matter what. Even when you were having a bad day, you could just look to him and he will just give you a smile as if saying, everything will be okay. I still find it so surreal. That his passing did not happen. That in some parallel world he is still here with us, watching his tv and smiling whenever he saw us. He had just placed the pacemaker in his heart, but within 24h he was gone. So tell me this, the $15k spent on the pacemaker fails, my grandfather is gone, but the pacemaker is removed and being recycled to another unsuspecting victim. You get my drift? In this messed up world, for the greed of money, people are willing to give you that false sense of security despite knowing what the end will be. Fking negligence.

FUN FACT:
People say everything happens for a reason. But you realise the majority of those "people" refers to women who try to find lessons to lessen the pain they are going through. We emotional creatures require that "net" to cushion our fall. But how can we justify this if we just say it for the sake of our own emotional being? Wouldn't that be biased?

And i'm out- praying i survive this turmoil for the next month. One month. That's all. WHOOOO EGGCITED

anyeong ~