It's crazy how things can change just within a year. Screw that, how things can change within a month. This time last year, things were very different
SCHOOL
Firstly, it may have felt like it happened super duper long ago, but it was only a year ago that i completed foundation year. I can't even remember the last time i was worrying about the Binomial Theorem, or whether you click V or H Lookup for computer class. If I thought foundation year past fast, first year uni definitely was the very definition of lightning speed.
Looking back, how was school? Did i regret any of the things this year? What can be improved? What can I learn? In terms of exposure, i've definitely met more people from different walks of life, made some local white friends (which is not me being racist by pointing out their colour, but just that i never saw myself clicking with them), found so many more friendships that I can depend on and laugh with till my stomach ached, and formed bonds that can never be broken. I guess the only thing I do regret is not going out enough. But comparing from last year, i definitely had an improvement, just that now, i'd like to venture to new places, instead of going back to the old. And another regret, is obviously not paying attention in both my accounting and QA classes heh. I realised that the amount of effort you put in, is really the grade you get. and I really got what i deserved lol. Yes, i had last minute 100% effort, but I think what I should be really striving for is consistent effort. WHOOSH. Okay, knowing this, next sem I really have to up my game. With only 1 law subject but already taking up majority of my time and "burden", I'm not sure what I am going to do with 2 next year. But, I really have to suck it up and give it my all. The singapore education system did not train me for nothing.
Weirdly speaking, "next year" is literally in 2 days. I can't even.
THE SOUL
I don't even know where to start with what is going on with me and my heart in the past month. At the start of the 5 months, where we wanted to just "give it a try", in my heart, honestly speaking, I was like "no go. definitely no go." And even through that period, there were days I just felt like the worst, felt like giving up, and constantly asked myself, if this was worth it. This was me committing to someone I barely knew, I only met once, and knew for 4 days, someone who was a stranger just 6 months ago. The amount of trust i gave was definitely questionable, but yet unconditional and somehow, felt right. I didn't know what it was, but I gave it my all, without thinking of the consequences. I took the leap of faith. And I'm glad I did, because after 5 months of waiting. I must say it was worth it. All worth it. Was my Europe trip with Kat worth the sacrifice as well? I must say. Yes. I know where comes a chance, I will travel again. But nothing would be able to replace this December. I'm thankful for the things that happened, and the things that did not. For whatever I have up till today would not have happened if not for the good and the bad. So to those who broke my heart or messed with my feelings, thank you for making me appreciate those who won't take things for granted. To those who never trusted distance, thank you for making me appreciate closeness so much more. And finally to those who ran when they feared, thank you for making me see and appreciate those who stayed.
Have you ever just looked at something, and it just clicks in you, and you just know. That in that moment you were infinite. You wish that moment would last forever, cos' everything was just right. It is like a sudden struck of realisation, but yet also a peace of mind, and warmth of the heart. It was as if I could die there and then, but still leave this earth a happy woman with no regrets. It was as if, I could give my heart up in that instant, and let it be torn to pieces, and I wouldn't even care, cos' that was just how much I was willing to take the risk, the leap of faith, to trust.
Everything happens for a reason. People come into your life, some come and leave, while some stay. But the bottom-line is, each person come with a story, and it is through them we learn what we want, who we want to become, and how we want to live our lives with the values and lessons learned.
I don't know what the future holds, and I definitely can't say it will be easy. But together with faith and trust, I trust that as long as we embark on this journey together, fear of insecurity and distance will be overcome as long as we have the willingness and determination to try. As long as we try. That is all that matters right? We don't give up hope. We give up despair and unrealistic expectations. We give in to faith and trust.
Here's to a new year, with a new me, and a new goal.
Anyeong,
may all have a blessed new year (:
How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. - Winnie the Pooh
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Friday, November 27, 2015
Preach.
Why do bad things happen to good people in this world? "Good" may not be the right terminology, but why do the lives of the innocent get destroyed in an instant just because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time?
On Friday 13th, the city of Paris fell into darkness, establishing a nationwide lockdown. Few days prior, earthquakes, suicide bombings, shootings happened in all other parts of the world too. Why do innocent people have to die? Is that the price they have to pay because of the selfish needs and demands of their leaders? Honestly there is no way to end this war, for it had already started. I have no right to say who is in the wrong or right, or who started this war, or who is bad or not. But I know that it is an action you get a reaction. It could have started because of some minor disagreement or misunderstanding, such that a childish immature thinking of "you pushed me, so I shall push you back" mentality could be the root of all this.
Is the pride of man valued at such a cost to sacrifice innocent lives?
UK BOUND
I've finally booked dem tickets, and i'll be off to the land of (what do they call dem englishmen?) in about a month's time. I'm super excited, but yet the planning process will be hectic. I mean usually we would travel with our parents, where everything is already planned for. But now, i'm flying solo, lol I guess this is what growing up is. Taking on responsibilities for our own actions.
FREEDOM?
Now you would think just because exams are over i'm "free". Well, sort of-ish, but the cleaning and packing of the house, and organising of little errands around the house is so tiring...I just wanna go to some deserted island and roll around the beach, with a free mind, not caring two hoots about the world.
Am I trying too hard? Once again, am I falling into my own trap? Am I breaking rules?
HOMEBOUND T-1
home sweet home baby.
anyeong (:
On Friday 13th, the city of Paris fell into darkness, establishing a nationwide lockdown. Few days prior, earthquakes, suicide bombings, shootings happened in all other parts of the world too. Why do innocent people have to die? Is that the price they have to pay because of the selfish needs and demands of their leaders? Honestly there is no way to end this war, for it had already started. I have no right to say who is in the wrong or right, or who started this war, or who is bad or not. But I know that it is an action you get a reaction. It could have started because of some minor disagreement or misunderstanding, such that a childish immature thinking of "you pushed me, so I shall push you back" mentality could be the root of all this.
Is the pride of man valued at such a cost to sacrifice innocent lives?
UK BOUND
I've finally booked dem tickets, and i'll be off to the land of (what do they call dem englishmen?) in about a month's time. I'm super excited, but yet the planning process will be hectic. I mean usually we would travel with our parents, where everything is already planned for. But now, i'm flying solo, lol I guess this is what growing up is. Taking on responsibilities for our own actions.
FREEDOM?
Now you would think just because exams are over i'm "free". Well, sort of-ish, but the cleaning and packing of the house, and organising of little errands around the house is so tiring...I just wanna go to some deserted island and roll around the beach, with a free mind, not caring two hoots about the world.
Am I trying too hard? Once again, am I falling into my own trap? Am I breaking rules?
HOMEBOUND T-1
home sweet home baby.
anyeong (:
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Infinite Limits.
WEEK 13
It has finally come to the end of the semester. Or rather, on the final week, with 2 more days to go, but nonetheless, it is amusing how time passed. The past 2 weeks have been the most tiring and exhausting week by far. I've nearly forgotten how it was like sitting in the library for hours studying the same subject over consecutive days. Having 3 tests in one day wasn't exactly a walk in a park either. But lol, I made it through. How well I made it through is another issue though. Heh.
FADING AWAY.
Have you ever felt so tired, and exhausted that every little thing had 2 immediate effects of either making or breaking your day? It's really this teeny tiny thin fine line, where your brain only just have enough energy and capacity to decide in that split second if you should bother to give two shits or not. And it has come to a point that I have to be grateful and thankful even for the smallest thing, to make me happy, or seriously nothing will faze me. Things that make your day ranges from having the bus/train pull up to the stop at the moment you reach it, to getting higher than a 0 on a test you were so sure you'd fail but the question then was just how badly, to finally having a peaceful morning because the floor above you have finally stopped drilling. I'm just simply exhausted. Simply simply exhausted. 3 more weeks. Exactly 21 days, this will be all over. Even before exams have properly started, how can I be already this drained?
PRIORITIES
If you really think about it, this is something that is actually quite sad. Priorities- something you regard or value above the others, hence you sacrifice the 2nd best thing and go for the "top" thing. But why? Because that "top" thing gives you more benefits. See how selfish humans are? to ourselves? or maybe even to others? Depending on the context, priorities of a person or of a passion; to see how when we only value something just because it gives us something more in return.
And the beautiful thing was, if you hated baseball, you just stopped playing it. There was no guilt involved. There was no arguing or debate. You either liked it or you didn't.
And if you loved looking for bugs, you just did that. There was no second-level analysis of, "Well, is looking for bugs really what I should be doing with my time as a child? Nobody else wants to look for bugs, does that mean there's something wrong with me? How will looking for bugs affect my future prospects?"
There was no bullshit. If you liked something, you just did it.
...they don't know what to do with their life...where they could start..where to "find their passion."
...that's the whole point- "not knowing" is the whole fucking point. Life is all about not knowing, and then doing something anyway. All life is like this. All of it.
...You already found your passion, you're just ignoring it...you're awake 16 hours a day...doing..talking about something..some topic or activity or idea that dominates a significant amount of your free time, your conversation, your web browsing, and it dominates them without you consciously pursing it or looking for it.
It's right there in front of you, you're just avoiding it. For whatever reason, you're aoiding it. You're telling yourself, "Oh well, yeah, I love comic books but that doesn't count. You can't make money with comic books."
...have you even tried?
The problem is not lack of passion for something. The problem is productivity. The problem is perception. The problem is acceptance.
The problem is the, "Oh, well that's just not a realistic option," or "Mom and Dad would kill me if I tried to do that.." or "That's crazy, you can't buy a BMW with the money you make doing that."
...It's never passion. It's priorities
...The issue here is..expectations...If you think you're supposed to wake up every single day dancing out of your pajamas because you get to go to work, then you've been drinking the Kool-Aid. Life doesn't work like that. It's just unrealistic. There's a thing most of us need called balance.
...He doesn't need to find his passion. His passion already found him. He's just ignoring it. He just refuses to believe it's viable. He is just afraid of giving it an honest-to-god try.
It's like a nerdy kid walking onto a playground and saying, "Well, bugs are really cool, but NFL players make more money, so I should force myself to play football every day,"..
..The problem is that he's arbitrarily choosing to limit himself based on some bullshitty ideas he got into his head about success and what he's supposed to do.
...If you have to look for what youre passionate about, then you're probably not passionate about it at all. If you're passionate about something, it will already feel like such an ingrained part of your life that you will have to be reminded by people that it's not normal, that other people aren't like that.
A child does not walk onto a playground and say to herself, "How do I find fun?" She just goes and have fun.
If you have to look for what you enjoy in life, then you're not going to enjoy anything.
And the real truth is that you already enjoy something. You already enjoy many things. You're just choosing to ignore them.
In the good light of passion-
When was the last time we actually did something for ourselves and not for society? I always thought that choosing a well-stable job and typical career path like a doctor, lawyer, banker- were the right choices, simply because they're the high-paying jobs, the "non-frowned upon" acceptable jobs, and that society made it so. To an extent yes, society. But then I never thought to look at myself. I always thought I never had passion for law, and that I'm just doing it because it's the most practical career path out there, and that I could be doing Psychology or something if I really wanted. I mean I'm interested in law, sure, but not to the extent of calling it a "passion". That's the thing, I just chose to limit myself to the idea that society has put into my head, that those are the "acceptable" choices. I refuse to acknowledge that there are other possibilities out there that could be just as successful, but i'm just too afraid to try. And for that, I am disappointed in myself; disappointed for not giving it a try, disappointed for being afraid of letting my family down should I fail, disappointed for not having faith in myself that I could reach that goal one day, disappointed for giving in to the demands and pressures of society. Maybe one day, maybe. Sometimes the innocence of a child is so precious; not knowing the pressures of society, the prejudice and discrimination, or the judgements held in the eyes of others, and just going about their playtime, not caring about the world, and doing the things they love the most. That's what I'd like to be, but sometimes you just can't afford to.
In the bad light of a person-
When was the last time we actually did something out of goodwill expecting nothing in return? But is this wrong? To want to expect something in return? Even if you're walking down a street and you decide to make a donation and you think, "huh, I'm giving them something, and not expecting anything back". But you're wrong, what you get back is the self assurance that you did a good deed and that you're of "good heart". Somehow it boils down to human nature, where it is really the 'survival of the fittest' instinct, where we fight for ourselves to survive, no matter the consequence. This is where you start to doubt people around you, if what they are doing is really genuine out of care or concern or just because they want something from you. The ones that break this barrier of insecurity and doubt are those worth really holding onto. But it's really not that simple. Through that, many things cloud our judgement; greed, pride, money, and love.
21 days is all I need to survive. Just 21 days to get the rest I need. 21 Days to know what's it like to breathe again. 21 days.
Anyeong!
Hello from the other side;
It has finally come to the end of the semester. Or rather, on the final week, with 2 more days to go, but nonetheless, it is amusing how time passed. The past 2 weeks have been the most tiring and exhausting week by far. I've nearly forgotten how it was like sitting in the library for hours studying the same subject over consecutive days. Having 3 tests in one day wasn't exactly a walk in a park either. But lol, I made it through. How well I made it through is another issue though. Heh.
FADING AWAY.
Have you ever felt so tired, and exhausted that every little thing had 2 immediate effects of either making or breaking your day? It's really this teeny tiny thin fine line, where your brain only just have enough energy and capacity to decide in that split second if you should bother to give two shits or not. And it has come to a point that I have to be grateful and thankful even for the smallest thing, to make me happy, or seriously nothing will faze me. Things that make your day ranges from having the bus/train pull up to the stop at the moment you reach it, to getting higher than a 0 on a test you were so sure you'd fail but the question then was just how badly, to finally having a peaceful morning because the floor above you have finally stopped drilling. I'm just simply exhausted. Simply simply exhausted. 3 more weeks. Exactly 21 days, this will be all over. Even before exams have properly started, how can I be already this drained?
PRIORITIES
If you really think about it, this is something that is actually quite sad. Priorities- something you regard or value above the others, hence you sacrifice the 2nd best thing and go for the "top" thing. But why? Because that "top" thing gives you more benefits. See how selfish humans are? to ourselves? or maybe even to others? Depending on the context, priorities of a person or of a passion; to see how when we only value something just because it gives us something more in return.
Screw Finding Your Passion- Mark Manson
Remember back when you were a kid? You would just do things. Younever thought to yourself, "what are the relative merits of learning baseball versus football?" You just ran around the playground and played baseball and football. YOubuild sand castles and played tag and asked silly questions and looked for bugs and dug up grass and pretended you were a sewer monster.
Nobody told you to do it, you just did it. You were led merely by your curiosity and excitement.
And the beautiful thing was, if you hated baseball, you just stopped playing it. There was no guilt involved. There was no arguing or debate. You either liked it or you didn't.
And if you loved looking for bugs, you just did that. There was no second-level analysis of, "Well, is looking for bugs really what I should be doing with my time as a child? Nobody else wants to look for bugs, does that mean there's something wrong with me? How will looking for bugs affect my future prospects?"
There was no bullshit. If you liked something, you just did it.
...they don't know what to do with their life...where they could start..where to "find their passion."
...that's the whole point- "not knowing" is the whole fucking point. Life is all about not knowing, and then doing something anyway. All life is like this. All of it.
...You already found your passion, you're just ignoring it...you're awake 16 hours a day...doing..talking about something..some topic or activity or idea that dominates a significant amount of your free time, your conversation, your web browsing, and it dominates them without you consciously pursing it or looking for it.
It's right there in front of you, you're just avoiding it. For whatever reason, you're aoiding it. You're telling yourself, "Oh well, yeah, I love comic books but that doesn't count. You can't make money with comic books."
...have you even tried?
The problem is not lack of passion for something. The problem is productivity. The problem is perception. The problem is acceptance.
The problem is the, "Oh, well that's just not a realistic option," or "Mom and Dad would kill me if I tried to do that.." or "That's crazy, you can't buy a BMW with the money you make doing that."
...It's never passion. It's priorities
...The issue here is..expectations...If you think you're supposed to wake up every single day dancing out of your pajamas because you get to go to work, then you've been drinking the Kool-Aid. Life doesn't work like that. It's just unrealistic. There's a thing most of us need called balance.
...He doesn't need to find his passion. His passion already found him. He's just ignoring it. He just refuses to believe it's viable. He is just afraid of giving it an honest-to-god try.
It's like a nerdy kid walking onto a playground and saying, "Well, bugs are really cool, but NFL players make more money, so I should force myself to play football every day,"..
..The problem is that he's arbitrarily choosing to limit himself based on some bullshitty ideas he got into his head about success and what he's supposed to do.
...If you have to look for what youre passionate about, then you're probably not passionate about it at all. If you're passionate about something, it will already feel like such an ingrained part of your life that you will have to be reminded by people that it's not normal, that other people aren't like that.
A child does not walk onto a playground and say to herself, "How do I find fun?" She just goes and have fun.
If you have to look for what you enjoy in life, then you're not going to enjoy anything.
And the real truth is that you already enjoy something. You already enjoy many things. You're just choosing to ignore them.
In the good light of passion-
When was the last time we actually did something for ourselves and not for society? I always thought that choosing a well-stable job and typical career path like a doctor, lawyer, banker- were the right choices, simply because they're the high-paying jobs, the "non-frowned upon" acceptable jobs, and that society made it so. To an extent yes, society. But then I never thought to look at myself. I always thought I never had passion for law, and that I'm just doing it because it's the most practical career path out there, and that I could be doing Psychology or something if I really wanted. I mean I'm interested in law, sure, but not to the extent of calling it a "passion". That's the thing, I just chose to limit myself to the idea that society has put into my head, that those are the "acceptable" choices. I refuse to acknowledge that there are other possibilities out there that could be just as successful, but i'm just too afraid to try. And for that, I am disappointed in myself; disappointed for not giving it a try, disappointed for being afraid of letting my family down should I fail, disappointed for not having faith in myself that I could reach that goal one day, disappointed for giving in to the demands and pressures of society. Maybe one day, maybe. Sometimes the innocence of a child is so precious; not knowing the pressures of society, the prejudice and discrimination, or the judgements held in the eyes of others, and just going about their playtime, not caring about the world, and doing the things they love the most. That's what I'd like to be, but sometimes you just can't afford to.
In the bad light of a person-
When was the last time we actually did something out of goodwill expecting nothing in return? But is this wrong? To want to expect something in return? Even if you're walking down a street and you decide to make a donation and you think, "huh, I'm giving them something, and not expecting anything back". But you're wrong, what you get back is the self assurance that you did a good deed and that you're of "good heart". Somehow it boils down to human nature, where it is really the 'survival of the fittest' instinct, where we fight for ourselves to survive, no matter the consequence. This is where you start to doubt people around you, if what they are doing is really genuine out of care or concern or just because they want something from you. The ones that break this barrier of insecurity and doubt are those worth really holding onto. But it's really not that simple. Through that, many things cloud our judgement; greed, pride, money, and love.
21 days is all I need to survive. Just 21 days to get the rest I need. 21 Days to know what's it like to breathe again. 21 days.
Anyeong!
Hello from the other side;
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Endless Time.
Timing is a funny thing.
You've gotta get it right, or the moment will slip right through your fingers. Let me give you an example: here I am sitting outside Sir John Clancy's auditorium, because i've missed the bus by mere moments, just because it arrived a few minutes earlier than scheduled. I literally saw it drive past, just as I was exiting Uni, but I thought to myself, no way, can't be?
Even scheduled things, have unexpected outcomes. You can never be too sure about something, although how accurate or fixed it may be. If we can't even depend on something that is meant to be fixed, how can we depend on things which are not fixed in nature?
One step forward, Two steps back.
Ever been stuck in limbo? With no idea what is going on, in an utter state of confusion? With no clue on which direction you're heading, it's like feeing your way in the dark. You can't see what's ahead of you, but you're merely feeling your way through, searching for a glimpse of light, just to find a way out.
You've gotta get it right, or the moment will slip right through your fingers. Let me give you an example: here I am sitting outside Sir John Clancy's auditorium, because i've missed the bus by mere moments, just because it arrived a few minutes earlier than scheduled. I literally saw it drive past, just as I was exiting Uni, but I thought to myself, no way, can't be?
Even scheduled things, have unexpected outcomes. You can never be too sure about something, although how accurate or fixed it may be. If we can't even depend on something that is meant to be fixed, how can we depend on things which are not fixed in nature?
One step forward, Two steps back.
Ever been stuck in limbo? With no idea what is going on, in an utter state of confusion? With no clue on which direction you're heading, it's like feeing your way in the dark. You can't see what's ahead of you, but you're merely feeling your way through, searching for a glimpse of light, just to find a way out.
It feels like fate is testing us. We’ve yet to have built anything for the fire to test, so how can we withstand the heat? Everyday, all around me, I see artworks, already painted, in fact, as I type this, one is right before my eyes, with the perfect backdrop of the Harbour Bridge and the Opera house. I constantly think to myself, “if only”. There are many “If-s” in the world I have questioned, but this has to be the biggest and greatest yet. I constantly speak as if I've got it all panned out, the future, the expectations, which I shouldn't at all. But I can't help it. It feels so right, yet so wrong. It feels like I'm walking on frozen ice, with every step, i'd feel accomplished of getting that far, but yet at any moment, I could fall right through down under into the great deep unknown.
Are we getting ahead of ourselves? Are we creating expectations for ourselves that we cannot fulfil? Are we walking into a trap? Are we digging our own graves? Are we making the wrong choices? We make plans that will never happen. We build a future that will never arrive. We create hope, that is only made to be destroyed.
How do you know if you've made the right choice? Let me rephrase that, the right decision. *no one should be made a choice, to be played with, to be hung by a thread, to be falsely lead, to be left with the ultimate fate of being hurt at the end of the day. We're all living in a world of uncertainty. But sometimes uncertainty won't do for some people, but yet some people love it, where they will be filled with surprises. It is really a wonder to find this balance, this satisfaction of just knowing enough but yet not too much. Like a bus. You know it'll come eventually, you just won't know when.
Being so far away, I don't know if I can do this. I can't see, I can't feel, I can't hear. I just want to be there beside him- physically present, to know that everything is going to be okay.
LAST MINUTE
I did the unthinkable and flew back for Kat's birthday. I should've booked in advanced, just like the rest did during SG50 sale period, where most tickets were 60% off!? But anyway, going back was pretty amazing as well. I've had one too many impromptu flight plans this year, and it was honestly pretty exhausting, especially just for 3 days. But I got a few moments of touch that nothing could ever replace, I got to spend Kat's birthday as a family with friends and cousins, and I got to have a good break (actually no, considering I had a Torts assignment due the following week). Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Well don't. I've never stayed up for 39hours straight before, and the experience was pain to the full. Also, don't ever drink red bull. Not only does it taste like cough syrup, it makes you pee, alot. AND don't ever wait till the last minute to print your shit, cos yes, how typical and timely your printer dies on you in the last 30min of submission. Having a marathon to school within 30min is cray, and never again I'll say.
APPROACHING MID-SEM
It's already nearing the end of September, and just 3 months to go till Christmas. And I thought 2014 passed quickly, oh hell, I can't even remember what happened during the semester..
It's reading week now, and mid-sem break next week, and all these were placed for the sole purpose of letting students revise and catch up..but lol is that really gonna happen? heh I highly doubt. I know this but yet I do otherwise. Seriously, uni students. I really do have to work hard though. Before I can even look forward to December, I've got this hurdle to pass.
I pray for all the self-control, determination, and clarity of mind that I can muster, to get through the next 2 months. Oh, lord bless me.
Anyeong
Are we getting ahead of ourselves? Are we creating expectations for ourselves that we cannot fulfil? Are we walking into a trap? Are we digging our own graves? Are we making the wrong choices? We make plans that will never happen. We build a future that will never arrive. We create hope, that is only made to be destroyed.
How do you know if you've made the right choice? Let me rephrase that, the right decision. *no one should be made a choice, to be played with, to be hung by a thread, to be falsely lead, to be left with the ultimate fate of being hurt at the end of the day. We're all living in a world of uncertainty. But sometimes uncertainty won't do for some people, but yet some people love it, where they will be filled with surprises. It is really a wonder to find this balance, this satisfaction of just knowing enough but yet not too much. Like a bus. You know it'll come eventually, you just won't know when.
Being so far away, I don't know if I can do this. I can't see, I can't feel, I can't hear. I just want to be there beside him- physically present, to know that everything is going to be okay.
LAST MINUTE
I did the unthinkable and flew back for Kat's birthday. I should've booked in advanced, just like the rest did during SG50 sale period, where most tickets were 60% off!? But anyway, going back was pretty amazing as well. I've had one too many impromptu flight plans this year, and it was honestly pretty exhausting, especially just for 3 days. But I got a few moments of touch that nothing could ever replace, I got to spend Kat's birthday as a family with friends and cousins, and I got to have a good break (actually no, considering I had a Torts assignment due the following week). Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Well don't. I've never stayed up for 39hours straight before, and the experience was pain to the full. Also, don't ever drink red bull. Not only does it taste like cough syrup, it makes you pee, alot. AND don't ever wait till the last minute to print your shit, cos yes, how typical and timely your printer dies on you in the last 30min of submission. Having a marathon to school within 30min is cray, and never again I'll say.
APPROACHING MID-SEM
It's already nearing the end of September, and just 3 months to go till Christmas. And I thought 2014 passed quickly, oh hell, I can't even remember what happened during the semester..
It's reading week now, and mid-sem break next week, and all these were placed for the sole purpose of letting students revise and catch up..but lol is that really gonna happen? heh I highly doubt. I know this but yet I do otherwise. Seriously, uni students. I really do have to work hard though. Before I can even look forward to December, I've got this hurdle to pass.
I pray for all the self-control, determination, and clarity of mind that I can muster, to get through the next 2 months. Oh, lord bless me.
Anyeong
It’s a beautiful night, we’re looking for something dumb to do.
Monday, August 24, 2015
And I You.
It's really something- to know that someone is thinking of you in the middle of the day.
It's really something- to know that you have become someone worth thinking about in the midst of some mundane chores.
It's really something- to know that you are that someone to him.
REASSURANCE:
is a pretty damn powerful tool. I never knew that that was what it took to change someone's life. To assure them that they're on the right track, that bit of encouragement could go a long way, especially with one who is filled with the potential to grow, mould them into someone so much more. To be that someone to give that reassurance, to change someone's life, make an impact, and perhaps make a difference to this world altogether, is a pretty refreshing feeling. Like if this was what it took to make them smile, to make them want to improve themselves for the better, why not?
To let those tears fall for you, is proof that she has already given you her all.
You taught me how to love once again. You showed me how it is like to be appreciated. You shed new light to the darkness I faced. You hold my heart now, don't crush it.
In approximately 1 week, everything will change. For the better, or for the worst, I'll have no regrets. With every cell of my being, I am glad to have met you, to have understood you, to have fallen for you. It won't be pretty, I'm sure. But since when did love come easy? I'll prepare my heart for what is to come. It will be inevitable, something long foreseeable, and there would be nothing we could do about it, but only to wait. Wait for the time that our paths cross once again. If only.
Like I'm gonna lose you.
SCHOOL
is going..pretty well I guess? It's time to get my shit together, organise the house, organise my schedule, organise my thoughts, organise my life. No matter what it takes, i'll have to find this spurt of energy, and determination to get it all sorted. I can't lag behind anymore, before it's all too late. I have to do this for my family, and more importantly, for myself.
anyeong!
"Have I told you how lucky I am to have you in my life." - And I you my dear.
It's really something- to know that you have become someone worth thinking about in the midst of some mundane chores.
It's really something- to know that you are that someone to him.
REASSURANCE:
is a pretty damn powerful tool. I never knew that that was what it took to change someone's life. To assure them that they're on the right track, that bit of encouragement could go a long way, especially with one who is filled with the potential to grow, mould them into someone so much more. To be that someone to give that reassurance, to change someone's life, make an impact, and perhaps make a difference to this world altogether, is a pretty refreshing feeling. Like if this was what it took to make them smile, to make them want to improve themselves for the better, why not?
To let those tears fall for you, is proof that she has already given you her all.
You taught me how to love once again. You showed me how it is like to be appreciated. You shed new light to the darkness I faced. You hold my heart now, don't crush it.
In approximately 1 week, everything will change. For the better, or for the worst, I'll have no regrets. With every cell of my being, I am glad to have met you, to have understood you, to have fallen for you. It won't be pretty, I'm sure. But since when did love come easy? I'll prepare my heart for what is to come. It will be inevitable, something long foreseeable, and there would be nothing we could do about it, but only to wait. Wait for the time that our paths cross once again. If only.
Like I'm gonna lose you.
SCHOOL
is going..pretty well I guess? It's time to get my shit together, organise the house, organise my schedule, organise my thoughts, organise my life. No matter what it takes, i'll have to find this spurt of energy, and determination to get it all sorted. I can't lag behind anymore, before it's all too late. I have to do this for my family, and more importantly, for myself.
anyeong!
"Have I told you how lucky I am to have you in my life." - And I you my dear.
Monday, July 27, 2015
Mended wings.
CHANGES
were necessary. It had been too long sticking to the old. It is the start of something new.
Gone were the the old pillars of strength and the blogskin/layout. Looking back at my old posts back in '09 or anywhere around that period, were legit cringe worthy. Who the heck spells in short forms like "rite" or "haven" or "tgt". oh bless me. Now that this layout even have the blog titles under archives, it is even more cringe worthy :p Please don't judge, I was p5/6 that had apparently no IQ or EQ heh..
BROKEN WINGS
it's been way too long. It has gotten to a point where i've forgotten what it felt like to be to be free. In fact, I thought it would be nearly impossible to feel this again. Like a bird with broken wings, I fell into a hole, where only darkness and loneliness surrounded me. I had no choice but to learn how to embrace them, amongst other things, trying to find the light that would save me. I was blinded by darkness, led to believe that I had no way of escaping, that I was forced to remain pathetic and helpless, forever depending on the fact that one day someone will come and save me. Somehow the idea that I had to depend on that someone to save me to see the light once again, remained in my head for such a long time, that I didn't bother looking for any alternatives. I assumed that one day that person would remember me and come back, so I waited, and waited. I was so foolish and pathetic to wait for someone so long, someone who didn't care if i existed or not, someone who took me for granted, dragged me by the string, through the mud. Only did I realise that he was dragging other strings as well, that I decided to stop this foolish thinking of mine.
In this cruel world, no one will help you only if you help yourself first. People are fighting for survival, and if you don't make an effort to fight, you'll drown sooner or later. I did it for myself, to have no more burdens, and once I realised that, I took the shards out of my broken wings, one by one, and day by day, soon, I was able to spread my wings and reach for the sky, to see the light, and have clarity once again.
WAIT FOR ME?
Some people look for love. Others wait for it. I forget about it altogether, for I believe if the right one comes by, he'll remind you of what love is again, and help you to trust it again.
Everything happens for a reason yes? I believe in fate. If we cross paths, we cross paths. If not, we don't. Sometimes two persons could be so similar but yet their paths travel parallel, never meeting. I was just lucky enough to have my path crossed with him. Just when I let go of that someone, and just when I thought there wasn't anyone else that could make me feel this way again, to make me believe in myself, he came along. I was actually perfectly fine with the whole "I may not have this feeling again for a long long time" part, but somehow fate has funny ways of surprising us right round the corner. I'm not even sure of this feeling yet, perhaps even still on unstable shaky grounds, but it is the start of something new. But as always, when something goes well, there will forever be some obstruction, as if fate shoving it in our faces, to remind us that happiness don't come easy, we have to work for it. Distance is a funny thing, but worst than that, is time.
DISTANCE AND TIME
To be flown half way around the world, how does one maintain that connection? It is one thing to have determination, but to be exposed to other foreign influences, it will be detrimental, and perhaps even hopeless.
For now, I guess it is only wise to treasure what we have, before the time comes when we have to split ways, even on the basis of just a friendship. Although I know what we have is temporary, it pains me to know what is to come. Occasional holiday breaks will be my only salvation, that is, if this bond is anything, but temporary.
Here's to new friendships that saved me.
anyeong!
big girls cry when their hearts are breaking.
were necessary. It had been too long sticking to the old. It is the start of something new.
Gone were the the old pillars of strength and the blogskin/layout. Looking back at my old posts back in '09 or anywhere around that period, were legit cringe worthy. Who the heck spells in short forms like "rite" or "haven" or "tgt". oh bless me. Now that this layout even have the blog titles under archives, it is even more cringe worthy :p Please don't judge, I was p5/6 that had apparently no IQ or EQ heh..
BROKEN WINGS
it's been way too long. It has gotten to a point where i've forgotten what it felt like to be to be free. In fact, I thought it would be nearly impossible to feel this again. Like a bird with broken wings, I fell into a hole, where only darkness and loneliness surrounded me. I had no choice but to learn how to embrace them, amongst other things, trying to find the light that would save me. I was blinded by darkness, led to believe that I had no way of escaping, that I was forced to remain pathetic and helpless, forever depending on the fact that one day someone will come and save me. Somehow the idea that I had to depend on that someone to save me to see the light once again, remained in my head for such a long time, that I didn't bother looking for any alternatives. I assumed that one day that person would remember me and come back, so I waited, and waited. I was so foolish and pathetic to wait for someone so long, someone who didn't care if i existed or not, someone who took me for granted, dragged me by the string, through the mud. Only did I realise that he was dragging other strings as well, that I decided to stop this foolish thinking of mine.
In this cruel world, no one will help you only if you help yourself first. People are fighting for survival, and if you don't make an effort to fight, you'll drown sooner or later. I did it for myself, to have no more burdens, and once I realised that, I took the shards out of my broken wings, one by one, and day by day, soon, I was able to spread my wings and reach for the sky, to see the light, and have clarity once again.
WAIT FOR ME?
Some people look for love. Others wait for it. I forget about it altogether, for I believe if the right one comes by, he'll remind you of what love is again, and help you to trust it again.
Everything happens for a reason yes? I believe in fate. If we cross paths, we cross paths. If not, we don't. Sometimes two persons could be so similar but yet their paths travel parallel, never meeting. I was just lucky enough to have my path crossed with him. Just when I let go of that someone, and just when I thought there wasn't anyone else that could make me feel this way again, to make me believe in myself, he came along. I was actually perfectly fine with the whole "I may not have this feeling again for a long long time" part, but somehow fate has funny ways of surprising us right round the corner. I'm not even sure of this feeling yet, perhaps even still on unstable shaky grounds, but it is the start of something new. But as always, when something goes well, there will forever be some obstruction, as if fate shoving it in our faces, to remind us that happiness don't come easy, we have to work for it. Distance is a funny thing, but worst than that, is time.
DISTANCE AND TIME
To be flown half way around the world, how does one maintain that connection? It is one thing to have determination, but to be exposed to other foreign influences, it will be detrimental, and perhaps even hopeless.
For now, I guess it is only wise to treasure what we have, before the time comes when we have to split ways, even on the basis of just a friendship. Although I know what we have is temporary, it pains me to know what is to come. Occasional holiday breaks will be my only salvation, that is, if this bond is anything, but temporary.
Here's to new friendships that saved me.
anyeong!
big girls cry when their hearts are breaking.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Three goodbyes.
Surprise surprise- guess who finally changed her blogskin after 1001 years. (Hopefully nik finds this more pleasing to the eyes yes?) This change is definitely for the better.
STARTING AFRESH.
Sometimes it's pretty hard to think about what is good for you and what is not. What you have to cut off, and what you should hold unto. Just like when a doctor have to make a decision if a wound can be cured, or if it is beyond all hope and have to be amputated. If not, the infection will spread, and it will harm you in the long run. These are not decisions we like to make, but ones we have to make- for our own good, overall.
Water Under the Bridge?
All my life I've always been on the side that wants to salvage the infection- the situation, always looking for an alternative, the last hope, that could save that last straw. I've never been someone to hate. Sooner or later there will be some "drifting apart", or some to the point of just strangers, but never to the extent of pure shame, disappointment or hatred that I have decided to make this stand. This stand of having enough, putting my foot down and finally making a decision for myself, to cut off the ropes that i've held on for far too long- ropes that were hurting my hands. These bridges that were held on by such frail ropes, it's time to let go. Bridges were built originally to connect two masses. How a bridge is built is from both ends, such that the completion of it would require the coordination and compliance from both sides, not just one. However, the sad part is that the destruction of one could be from either end, and this time it is from my end. I've thought long and hard, and this was not something I managed to decide overnight. It was more of over the years, the threads frailed, and the ropes thinned, allowing the very foundation holding the bridges to waver.
Burning Bridges;
Did I want this to happen? Of course not. Did I foresee this happening? Most definitely not. But I'm already at my last straw, what can I do anymore? Moreover, these are the friendships I used to depend on all the time. I thought they were the strongest, the most sturdiest, the most dependent. I don't know what to do anymore. Now, it would've been so much better if I were to be burning one bridge at a time. And then I would've been able to talk to the other two about it. But nup, somehow fate or some voice in my head just decides to burn all three at one go. Sounds like some 3-in-1 coffee lol. Three- funny how influence comes in threes: Goldilocks and the three bears, Three little pigs, the three sisters, the three musketeers, three blind mice, three billy goats gruff...
I don't even know how I should feel about this. Sad? Relieved? Most definitely unexpected. I'll take this one day at a time. I can't afford to hold onto something that don't even pause to think of what I have to say. Do you expect me to always think of things to suit your needs? I am done pleasing such people, I'm done wasting my time and energy on those who don't give a second thought about me. It is impossible for me to have such energy to sustain such relationships that are toxic to my well-being at the end of the day. I'm done.
Haha, on the side note, some may think I'm being immature and ridiculous, and I speak as if I've already lived a hundred years. But I'm not claiming to have the wisdom of an oak tree to speak of a phrase "all my life", so some may think I'm just speaking nonsense, barely 1/4 of full age and already filled with ignorance, or some insult like that. If you're thinking that, you're most probably one of the bridges I had already decided to burn. People like you, is why people like me get sick of your arrogance and have decided to cut you off. And those who still hold on, are those who pity you, those who still require your service/money, or those who are same like you.
I'm finally able to hold my head up high. I won't be dragged down no more.
It's weird how this burden has finally been laid down (off). This change is definitely for the better.
anyeong (:
Changes, to move forward- building on the new.
STARTING AFRESH.
Sometimes it's pretty hard to think about what is good for you and what is not. What you have to cut off, and what you should hold unto. Just like when a doctor have to make a decision if a wound can be cured, or if it is beyond all hope and have to be amputated. If not, the infection will spread, and it will harm you in the long run. These are not decisions we like to make, but ones we have to make- for our own good, overall.
Water Under the Bridge?
All my life I've always been on the side that wants to salvage the infection- the situation, always looking for an alternative, the last hope, that could save that last straw. I've never been someone to hate. Sooner or later there will be some "drifting apart", or some to the point of just strangers, but never to the extent of pure shame, disappointment or hatred that I have decided to make this stand. This stand of having enough, putting my foot down and finally making a decision for myself, to cut off the ropes that i've held on for far too long- ropes that were hurting my hands. These bridges that were held on by such frail ropes, it's time to let go. Bridges were built originally to connect two masses. How a bridge is built is from both ends, such that the completion of it would require the coordination and compliance from both sides, not just one. However, the sad part is that the destruction of one could be from either end, and this time it is from my end. I've thought long and hard, and this was not something I managed to decide overnight. It was more of over the years, the threads frailed, and the ropes thinned, allowing the very foundation holding the bridges to waver.
Burning Bridges;
Did I want this to happen? Of course not. Did I foresee this happening? Most definitely not. But I'm already at my last straw, what can I do anymore? Moreover, these are the friendships I used to depend on all the time. I thought they were the strongest, the most sturdiest, the most dependent. I don't know what to do anymore. Now, it would've been so much better if I were to be burning one bridge at a time. And then I would've been able to talk to the other two about it. But nup, somehow fate or some voice in my head just decides to burn all three at one go. Sounds like some 3-in-1 coffee lol. Three- funny how influence comes in threes: Goldilocks and the three bears, Three little pigs, the three sisters, the three musketeers, three blind mice, three billy goats gruff...
I don't even know how I should feel about this. Sad? Relieved? Most definitely unexpected. I'll take this one day at a time. I can't afford to hold onto something that don't even pause to think of what I have to say. Do you expect me to always think of things to suit your needs? I am done pleasing such people, I'm done wasting my time and energy on those who don't give a second thought about me. It is impossible for me to have such energy to sustain such relationships that are toxic to my well-being at the end of the day. I'm done.
Haha, on the side note, some may think I'm being immature and ridiculous, and I speak as if I've already lived a hundred years. But I'm not claiming to have the wisdom of an oak tree to speak of a phrase "all my life", so some may think I'm just speaking nonsense, barely 1/4 of full age and already filled with ignorance, or some insult like that. If you're thinking that, you're most probably one of the bridges I had already decided to burn. People like you, is why people like me get sick of your arrogance and have decided to cut you off. And those who still hold on, are those who pity you, those who still require your service/money, or those who are same like you.
I'm finally able to hold my head up high. I won't be dragged down no more.
It's weird how this burden has finally been laid down (off). This change is definitely for the better.
anyeong (:
Changes, to move forward- building on the new.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
The Longshot.
It's already the end of June. I don't know the theory behind how time flies. But when someone figures that out, please give me a call yeah? To think just a year ago I was talking about how fast the semester goes, but in fact time had zoomed past even faster this year. I didn't even feel that I finished even a month. Where did all those weeks go? What were those valuable hours used for/on? You never really appreciate something until they are gone.
EXAMS ARE FINALLY OVER
After 3 torturous weeks, it has finally come to an end. It was a legit roller coaster, and just like the feeling of getting off one, it was exhilarating, and I am definitely glad I got it over and done with, but in no mood of returning to that state any time soon. I'm mentally drained, completely. 3 weeks: although grateful to the "extra study time", it is way too long. I'll need a pretty long break to recover I think.
Uni exams are really brought to a whole new level. I'm not sure if I'm just pure stupid, but I actually struggled with all my 4 courses this sem? Or Uni kids are just really smart. Haiz, giving myself the benefit of the doubt lol.. Like I wasn't even 100% confident with the easiest subject- Micro. Accounting, the subject that everyone loves and call it "easy peasy", I find it difficult. Oh lord. Then there goes Stats. I had about 7 days to prepare for it, and I had never felt so sian in my life to study a certain topic. This was due to the main reason that I had NO freaking idea what I had to study, I did not know what I didn't know, I didn't know the type of questions, I did not know the formulas to apply..basically I was screwed. During those 7 days I thought that I was going crazy. I had never felt so useless and hopeless in my life. I thought to myself, "I'd rather study law than this hopeless subject."..Then came the day when I eventually had to sit down and study law. Oh. My. Freaking. God. Nothing comes easy I assure you. I slacked a bit in the first 3 days. But my last 3 days up to the exam were the most intensive studying hours of my entire life. I have never sat down in one spot from 10am- 8pm (with a 30min lunch break) studying my ass off trying to understand what was required of me. My attitude towards Law was pretty much the same as Stats: Clueless. The only difference was that Law had a structure, step-by-step kind of thing, that allowed me to at least understand each chapter through something called the English language. Then again, some of it were in Latin..so..LOL. But the paper went horribly- 20min for a 2x20m Essay question? HD here I come.
Through these past weeks, the only thing I realised was that whatever I studied..absolutely did not come out. Or rather what I focused on, did not come out. Do you know how sian that feels.... How could I be so spot on for all subjects to be so zun and miss it completely? I don't know. I guess I possess such talent.
HOLIDAYS
Finally, let the holidays begin. This will really be a much needed rest. Absolutely drained. Super duper excited to return to SG for all the international people from all corners of the earth are finally united in SG YAAAAAAYYYY super eggcited (: Super miss all these lovables. It is so hard to appreciate true friendship here. Only a handful lasts here. Super super grateful to those back in SG (:
FINAL THOUGHTS
I've officially given up..about 2 weeks ago. It's alright, I've come clean. Unbelievable I know, I even doubt myself up until this second, but..I think it's time. It really has been too long. I really need to take this chance to start anew, to find myself, to find my footing on other things. It's a wakeup call. It's the real deal. One step forward two steps back no more. I'm grateful for her, for without her I would not have seen what laid beneath. I would've been still delusion-ised until today. It's like, I'm back to square 1, but this time, with one less baggage. It's a lighter feeling. No more worries, no concerns or problems I need to bother myself with.
I'm finally free.
I know it is a longshot.
anyeong (:
--300th post omg. dedicated to those who survived the exams, and to those who still follow this rubbish-ranting-small-font-about-to-lose-my-eyesight blog, who bother to still stay updated with my mundane life even after 6 years (: lots of love for you (:
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Proud to be.
I went with my gut, I gave in, but who ever said giving in to what your heart wants would be a bad thing? I live in this temporary bliss.
I HAVE FINALS TOMORROW AND LIKE WTF AM I DOING BLOGGING? Well let me tell you why, it's because of the bloody construction going on 2 levels above, and yes even through such thickness I can still hear the prominent drilling and knocking FOR THE PAST 2 FKING MONTHS. LIKE BITCH WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BUILDING, THE TAJ MAHAL?! OR THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA?!?!
Okay, I really try to calm down and be all civil about it..but c'mon 1 week or so i'm good. But my patience can only hold on for so long.. and 2 months of constant drilling starting from 845 is PURE TORTURE. It got so bad that last night when I was heading to bed at 245, I actually thought of staying up to study till 845, so I can have peace, and just get some sleep when the drilling starts.
Enough of drilling, what I need to do is get some information drilled into my head instead. I'm at this point where I'm reading, studying, but i'm not exactly sure if anything is going through?
SEAGAMES 2015
Oh my lord, I wasn't suppose to follow the Games so closely this year such that i'll know who won what, BUT IT WAS AMAZING. Swimming was harvesting the Golds day in day out, hitting our 50th Gold for SG%) just 2 days ago by Tao Li, and getting our 51st by Zheng Wen. And omg don't even get me started on the Women 4x200m Free Relay. I nearly died watching- we were losing by like 5m (+1.56) even till the last 200m, but Ting Wen caught up in the last 50m. LIKE THE LAST FRICKIN LAP. Now I don't know what you wanna call last minute, but that was literally the last torturous minute of my life. Even with the time difference and distance, thanks to the advancement of technology called Youtube Live streaming, I got to feel the excitement in the comfort of my own room. But you could imagine if I was feeling that alone as 1 person, what more to be with your team in a stadium filled with thousands of people screaming their heads off cheering team SG on.
And more often than enough, I only get inspired by people I know personally; could be a close friend, a childhood buddy, a talented relative or something, but after watching that race, it was my first time being super inspired by someone I did not know personally: Ting Wen. To have felt that inspiration even through a computer screen, it was really overwhelming. It was to the point that I even felt inspired to return to swimming LOL. I don't know, but to have so many friends participating in the Games this year, really made me want to be part of the whole seagames fananza.
Half way through the prize ceremony, the sound system died, and though there was an awkward silence for 5s, the crowd started singing the national anthem acapella. It was amazing, to the point that I was so proud to be a Singaporean?! The feels I tell you. (@ 4:58)
FINALS
now let the real games begin. I really don't know how i'm gonna survive this, but I have to right? Just 3 weeks. 3 more weeks till freedom. I can do this omg. My lack of confidence these few weeks is really getting to me. But I still feel super lost? But yesterday I went through my calling spree, and it was really much needed laughter. Be it 1min, 5min, 30min or even 2h, THANK YOU GUYS FOR MAKING MY NIGHT. May have wasted time, time I could've spent sleeping, or studying, but it was time worth wasting.
DEPENDENCY
How do you depend on someone? How do you know you can depend on them? Reassurance?
anyeong! (:
This glimmer of hope I hold onto, is it temporary? Or forever?
I HAVE FINALS TOMORROW AND LIKE WTF AM I DOING BLOGGING? Well let me tell you why, it's because of the bloody construction going on 2 levels above, and yes even through such thickness I can still hear the prominent drilling and knocking FOR THE PAST 2 FKING MONTHS. LIKE BITCH WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BUILDING, THE TAJ MAHAL?! OR THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA?!?!
Okay, I really try to calm down and be all civil about it..but c'mon 1 week or so i'm good. But my patience can only hold on for so long.. and 2 months of constant drilling starting from 845 is PURE TORTURE. It got so bad that last night when I was heading to bed at 245, I actually thought of staying up to study till 845, so I can have peace, and just get some sleep when the drilling starts.
Enough of drilling, what I need to do is get some information drilled into my head instead. I'm at this point where I'm reading, studying, but i'm not exactly sure if anything is going through?
SEAGAMES 2015
Oh my lord, I wasn't suppose to follow the Games so closely this year such that i'll know who won what, BUT IT WAS AMAZING. Swimming was harvesting the Golds day in day out, hitting our 50th Gold for SG%) just 2 days ago by Tao Li, and getting our 51st by Zheng Wen. And omg don't even get me started on the Women 4x200m Free Relay. I nearly died watching- we were losing by like 5m (+1.56) even till the last 200m, but Ting Wen caught up in the last 50m. LIKE THE LAST FRICKIN LAP. Now I don't know what you wanna call last minute, but that was literally the last torturous minute of my life. Even with the time difference and distance, thanks to the advancement of technology called Youtube Live streaming, I got to feel the excitement in the comfort of my own room. But you could imagine if I was feeling that alone as 1 person, what more to be with your team in a stadium filled with thousands of people screaming their heads off cheering team SG on.
And more often than enough, I only get inspired by people I know personally; could be a close friend, a childhood buddy, a talented relative or something, but after watching that race, it was my first time being super inspired by someone I did not know personally: Ting Wen. To have felt that inspiration even through a computer screen, it was really overwhelming. It was to the point that I even felt inspired to return to swimming LOL. I don't know, but to have so many friends participating in the Games this year, really made me want to be part of the whole seagames fananza.
Half way through the prize ceremony, the sound system died, and though there was an awkward silence for 5s, the crowd started singing the national anthem acapella. It was amazing, to the point that I was so proud to be a Singaporean?! The feels I tell you. (@ 4:58)
FINALS
now let the real games begin. I really don't know how i'm gonna survive this, but I have to right? Just 3 weeks. 3 more weeks till freedom. I can do this omg. My lack of confidence these few weeks is really getting to me. But I still feel super lost? But yesterday I went through my calling spree, and it was really much needed laughter. Be it 1min, 5min, 30min or even 2h, THANK YOU GUYS FOR MAKING MY NIGHT. May have wasted time, time I could've spent sleeping, or studying, but it was time worth wasting.
DEPENDENCY
How do you depend on someone? How do you know you can depend on them? Reassurance?
anyeong! (:
This glimmer of hope I hold onto, is it temporary? Or forever?
Monday, June 1, 2015
Missing Puzzle Piece.
HELLO THERE JUNE.
I thought i missed a month, omg i'll be so sad HAHA.
How fast this year has gone..its already mid year...
Just like last year, I feel that this year have flew past. Though this time, not as if like a blur, but kinda made the most of the time, more than the last time at least. It's different. Different good.
Although I hate being dragged out as it means opportunity cost of lazing around- yes i am a potato and i like being one; I'm kinda thankful to my sister for doing it, because once she goes back, not in the worlds name that I myself will go exploring alone. Like i can shop alone sure, but getting lost alone is another matter HAHA. Solitude yay or nay?
EXAMS
are here. In exactly 1 week and 4 days, i'm sitting for my first paper--> and i didn't know this at the start of the year, but micro is an MCQ paper?!?!?! HAHAHAHA sorry, feel my excitement? there's a 25% chance i'll pass no matter what HAHAHA. just the thought of it is quite amusing. then comes accounting oh god..EVERYONE I KNOW- even the blondes SAYS ITS EZPZ 123 LIKE WHAT. Am I the only blur one that doesn't know which journals goes where and bla bla bla? And this exam torture is going to go on for the next 13 days....but being spread over 3 weeks like what even AAAAHHHHH idk I'm just so numb from all the stress... In fact i don't even know if what i'm feeling is stress. lol.
LUCID DREAMS
I'm having those dreams again. I don't like them. Or rather, I like them so much that I hate it because it gives me false hope. False hopes of the future that will never ever materialise. So why do I keep letting myself go through something that is so emotionally draining and mentally abusive...
I'm facing this dilemma, to give in to what my heart wants, or to hold on to what little dignity i have left. If you have left someone twice, not once, wouldn't it be reasonable for me to put up some barrier to protect myself? After all these years, I'll be such a fool to go crawling back. I'll be such a fool. But will I be a fool for you? Heh, once bitten, twice shy, three times a fool. Or rather, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me; but fool me thrice, i'm an idiot and you're a jerk. I'll build up walls. That's what i'll do. Someone better come with a fking wrecking ball to save me before you do.
On the side note: i've stopped writing in my dream journal. I kinda need to find something to write. Something worth to write, not something that would leave me helpless and vulnerable. Something inspiring, something that would be worth looking back on.
FLASHBACK 1 MONTH AGO
the unexpected happened, took a turn, and came at us just when everyone was set to depart, we were all called back. We booked a flight within an hour of the news, packed our bags, and we were out within the next 12 hours. My grandfather was a man of few words; he didn't speak much, but he always smiled no matter what. Even when you were having a bad day, you could just look to him and he will just give you a smile as if saying, everything will be okay. I still find it so surreal. That his passing did not happen. That in some parallel world he is still here with us, watching his tv and smiling whenever he saw us. He had just placed the pacemaker in his heart, but within 24h he was gone. So tell me this, the $15k spent on the pacemaker fails, my grandfather is gone, but the pacemaker is removed and being recycled to another unsuspecting victim. You get my drift? In this messed up world, for the greed of money, people are willing to give you that false sense of security despite knowing what the end will be. Fking negligence.
FUN FACT:
People say everything happens for a reason. But you realise the majority of those "people" refers to women who try to find lessons to lessen the pain they are going through. We emotional creatures require that "net" to cushion our fall. But how can we justify this if we just say it for the sake of our own emotional being? Wouldn't that be biased?
And i'm out- praying i survive this turmoil for the next month. One month. That's all. WHOOOO EGGCITED
anyeong ~
I thought i missed a month, omg i'll be so sad HAHA.
How fast this year has gone..its already mid year...
Just like last year, I feel that this year have flew past. Though this time, not as if like a blur, but kinda made the most of the time, more than the last time at least. It's different. Different good.
Although I hate being dragged out as it means opportunity cost of lazing around- yes i am a potato and i like being one; I'm kinda thankful to my sister for doing it, because once she goes back, not in the worlds name that I myself will go exploring alone. Like i can shop alone sure, but getting lost alone is another matter HAHA. Solitude yay or nay?
EXAMS
are here. In exactly 1 week and 4 days, i'm sitting for my first paper--> and i didn't know this at the start of the year, but micro is an MCQ paper?!?!?! HAHAHAHA sorry, feel my excitement? there's a 25% chance i'll pass no matter what HAHAHA. just the thought of it is quite amusing. then comes accounting oh god..EVERYONE I KNOW- even the blondes SAYS ITS EZPZ 123 LIKE WHAT. Am I the only blur one that doesn't know which journals goes where and bla bla bla? And this exam torture is going to go on for the next 13 days....but being spread over 3 weeks like what even AAAAHHHHH idk I'm just so numb from all the stress... In fact i don't even know if what i'm feeling is stress. lol.
LUCID DREAMS
I'm having those dreams again. I don't like them. Or rather, I like them so much that I hate it because it gives me false hope. False hopes of the future that will never ever materialise. So why do I keep letting myself go through something that is so emotionally draining and mentally abusive...
I'm facing this dilemma, to give in to what my heart wants, or to hold on to what little dignity i have left. If you have left someone twice, not once, wouldn't it be reasonable for me to put up some barrier to protect myself? After all these years, I'll be such a fool to go crawling back. I'll be such a fool. But will I be a fool for you? Heh, once bitten, twice shy, three times a fool. Or rather, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me; but fool me thrice, i'm an idiot and you're a jerk. I'll build up walls. That's what i'll do. Someone better come with a fking wrecking ball to save me before you do.
On the side note: i've stopped writing in my dream journal. I kinda need to find something to write. Something worth to write, not something that would leave me helpless and vulnerable. Something inspiring, something that would be worth looking back on.
FLASHBACK 1 MONTH AGO
the unexpected happened, took a turn, and came at us just when everyone was set to depart, we were all called back. We booked a flight within an hour of the news, packed our bags, and we were out within the next 12 hours. My grandfather was a man of few words; he didn't speak much, but he always smiled no matter what. Even when you were having a bad day, you could just look to him and he will just give you a smile as if saying, everything will be okay. I still find it so surreal. That his passing did not happen. That in some parallel world he is still here with us, watching his tv and smiling whenever he saw us. He had just placed the pacemaker in his heart, but within 24h he was gone. So tell me this, the $15k spent on the pacemaker fails, my grandfather is gone, but the pacemaker is removed and being recycled to another unsuspecting victim. You get my drift? In this messed up world, for the greed of money, people are willing to give you that false sense of security despite knowing what the end will be. Fking negligence.
FUN FACT:
People say everything happens for a reason. But you realise the majority of those "people" refers to women who try to find lessons to lessen the pain they are going through. We emotional creatures require that "net" to cushion our fall. But how can we justify this if we just say it for the sake of our own emotional being? Wouldn't that be biased?
And i'm out- praying i survive this turmoil for the next month. One month. That's all. WHOOOO EGGCITED
anyeong ~
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Momentary happiness.
-rant post-
And what I meant is, for a night. Right now, the clock reads 12:43. THE EARLIEST TIME I'M DONE WITH WORK. Like legit, finally for once i've finished what I wanted to do, what I planned out. Maybe also due to the fact that I sacrificed my last weekend sleeping at 3 finishing accounting homework- intentionally, to make my wednesday free to focus on my assignments, tests and projects due. I guess this is one example to learn that if you complete your homework early, you'll feel much more free and relaxed. I mean duh common sense, but I never really thought much about it, and left things to the last minute. I have literally not felt this relaxed in forever. (hehe I had a 100% on my 1203 fortnightly quiz (: ...for once. Also much needed to pull up my average mark..) So yes, I'm in this temporary state of happiness, where I don't have to worry. But then, reality kicks in once the sun rises tomorrow...finishing or rather understanding my case for my case note assignment will definitely be a pain.
BURDEN.
The assignments, projects, quizzes, in-class tests and homework just never ends. It piles on top of each other, creating this heavy burden on my mind. Constantly occupying my idle thoughts of the day, stressing me, just simply frustrating me. Super thankful to Calvina tonight for helping with the quiz, or I definitely would NOT have finished the quiz by now, and perhaps even pushing it to tomorrow.. I just hope I have the strength to push on. I mean, sure encouragement will always be there, friends- always trying to encourage you, family- hoping the best, yourself- wanting to survive this torturous routine. Just two more weeks for all the deadlines to be due, for all the in-class tests to be over, and hopefully by then i'll get my footing back, and go full force for the final exam. I'm really determined to do well, I may procrastinate my ass off, but perhaps that's why people say I work best under pressure. Maybe.
I'm just so tired.
of my sleeping cycle, of school.
I can't understand how other people have it better. "It" basically referring to "life". They have brains, looks, character, and here I am just trying to be a potato. Like does this make any sense? Some people try harder than others, but even then, they may not get the same outcome. You say life is fair. I say its not justified.
Lol, I'm just being a spoilt b*tch right now, please excuse me. But I'm legit tired. While others are out there partying their ass off, they somehow by some weirdass miracle, still score a HD. Here I am just barely trying to keep my head above water, how are they able to afford to do shit like that?
I guess, the only thing to lift my mundane routine up is just to be happy with the present. Not look at the future for it WILL be depressing. Not look at the past for there will be memories of what you have done and what you SHOULD HAVE done. Present. Live in the moment.
For now, I will just focus on keeping my head above water, living in the present, appreciate the moment before it passes, and finally, to take on each hurdle one step at a time.
anyeong~
And what I meant is, for a night. Right now, the clock reads 12:43. THE EARLIEST TIME I'M DONE WITH WORK. Like legit, finally for once i've finished what I wanted to do, what I planned out. Maybe also due to the fact that I sacrificed my last weekend sleeping at 3 finishing accounting homework- intentionally, to make my wednesday free to focus on my assignments, tests and projects due. I guess this is one example to learn that if you complete your homework early, you'll feel much more free and relaxed. I mean duh common sense, but I never really thought much about it, and left things to the last minute. I have literally not felt this relaxed in forever. (hehe I had a 100% on my 1203 fortnightly quiz (: ...for once. Also much needed to pull up my average mark..) So yes, I'm in this temporary state of happiness, where I don't have to worry. But then, reality kicks in once the sun rises tomorrow...finishing or rather understanding my case for my case note assignment will definitely be a pain.
BURDEN.
The assignments, projects, quizzes, in-class tests and homework just never ends. It piles on top of each other, creating this heavy burden on my mind. Constantly occupying my idle thoughts of the day, stressing me, just simply frustrating me. Super thankful to Calvina tonight for helping with the quiz, or I definitely would NOT have finished the quiz by now, and perhaps even pushing it to tomorrow.. I just hope I have the strength to push on. I mean, sure encouragement will always be there, friends- always trying to encourage you, family- hoping the best, yourself- wanting to survive this torturous routine. Just two more weeks for all the deadlines to be due, for all the in-class tests to be over, and hopefully by then i'll get my footing back, and go full force for the final exam. I'm really determined to do well, I may procrastinate my ass off, but perhaps that's why people say I work best under pressure. Maybe.
I'm just so tired.
of my sleeping cycle, of school.
I can't understand how other people have it better. "It" basically referring to "life". They have brains, looks, character, and here I am just trying to be a potato. Like does this make any sense? Some people try harder than others, but even then, they may not get the same outcome. You say life is fair. I say its not justified.
Lol, I'm just being a spoilt b*tch right now, please excuse me. But I'm legit tired. While others are out there partying their ass off, they somehow by some weirdass miracle, still score a HD. Here I am just barely trying to keep my head above water, how are they able to afford to do shit like that?
I guess, the only thing to lift my mundane routine up is just to be happy with the present. Not look at the future for it WILL be depressing. Not look at the past for there will be memories of what you have done and what you SHOULD HAVE done. Present. Live in the moment.
For now, I will just focus on keeping my head above water, living in the present, appreciate the moment before it passes, and finally, to take on each hurdle one step at a time.
anyeong~
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Belief, Relief.
I'm feeling pretty good right now. Like right now at this instance. Only because I've finally finished my much dreaded ECON1203 quiz that I did badly in for the first week. But this week I did..actually pretty well I must say HAHA. So you know how people say don't be too sad if you don't do well the first time you'll do better the next? Yep, I finally understand that feeling- short term of course. I'm sure i'll mess it up again in the following weeks to come, but for now, just bask in my "accomplishment' of 80% (: HAHA
RELIEVED OR STRESSED?
I mean don't get me wrong, i'm still stressed af, with readings piling up and undone revision. But for now, easter break is finally here. You have no idea how much I was looking forward to this week. Even on the last week, I couldn't care much about classes. I was just really excited to have this rest, before the mundane routine starts once again. For now, I can finally breathe. I can finally think clearly. Its like that small glimpse of light you see when you're exiting a tunnel- that small glimmer of hope. I actually think I have a chance to pick myself back up. Now with that, I really hope to keep that motivation and determination to get back on my feet. I hope it won't die out just like how the rain is dampening all our moods for the past two days, putting out the easter spirit. Point is, I really can't give up. But I need to find that balance. To enjoy what I'm studying, while still having fun.
This break is really all about clearing my mind and finding that balance. Speaking of which, I really need a Mac ASAP. Here I am in class scrambling to take down whatever the teacher is talking about (at bullet train speed mind you), hand cramping up, pen slipping from my hand, words slowly becoming incoherent and page running out of space. Moral of the story, I REALLY NEED A COMPUTER. Gosh, how spoilt I sound LOL, and I'm ashamed to say I'm part of that generation that depend too much on technology. The thing about technology- although it connects people around the world, it separates those who are right beside you. Now why do we spend so much time connecting with strangers we don't even know and don't even make an effort to connect with our loved ones? Quite peculiar human behaviour don't you think?
LKY 2015
I'm sad to say that our First Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew has passed on. In all honesty, I did not know Mr Lee. I just knew him as some figurehead that appeared in our Social Studies textbooks, one of our "founding fathers" as to call it. I never knew his contributions other than the mere founding of PAP. He is one of our greatest leaders who built Singapore into what it is today. But you see, I never questioned how Singapore got here, I just assumed it just is. I never thought to thank the people behind the scenes, I just took my comfortable living for granted. It is ironic how we show the most gratitude only after the passing of the living.
"Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because the regret is stronger than the gratitude." -Anne Frank's Diary
When things don't go our way, we ask why. But when it does, we don't question anything. Its as if we expect life to suit our needs. Is that what living is about? Why should we expect convenience and happiness to be served to us on a silver platter? Lots of hope, lots of "ifs". There I go questioning life again. Oh lord bless me.
I realised I'm pretty drawn to mysterious people. People who I can't read. Because those are the ones that intrigues me to find out what's under that "calm and composed" exterior. Haha, I should just change my major to Pyschology (I actually wouldn't mind, if only eh?)
anyeong!
I'll crack that shell one day, I'll peel the layers off, one by one.
RELIEVED OR STRESSED?
I mean don't get me wrong, i'm still stressed af, with readings piling up and undone revision. But for now, easter break is finally here. You have no idea how much I was looking forward to this week. Even on the last week, I couldn't care much about classes. I was just really excited to have this rest, before the mundane routine starts once again. For now, I can finally breathe. I can finally think clearly. Its like that small glimpse of light you see when you're exiting a tunnel- that small glimmer of hope. I actually think I have a chance to pick myself back up. Now with that, I really hope to keep that motivation and determination to get back on my feet. I hope it won't die out just like how the rain is dampening all our moods for the past two days, putting out the easter spirit. Point is, I really can't give up. But I need to find that balance. To enjoy what I'm studying, while still having fun.
This break is really all about clearing my mind and finding that balance. Speaking of which, I really need a Mac ASAP. Here I am in class scrambling to take down whatever the teacher is talking about (at bullet train speed mind you), hand cramping up, pen slipping from my hand, words slowly becoming incoherent and page running out of space. Moral of the story, I REALLY NEED A COMPUTER. Gosh, how spoilt I sound LOL, and I'm ashamed to say I'm part of that generation that depend too much on technology. The thing about technology- although it connects people around the world, it separates those who are right beside you. Now why do we spend so much time connecting with strangers we don't even know and don't even make an effort to connect with our loved ones? Quite peculiar human behaviour don't you think?
LKY 2015
I'm sad to say that our First Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew has passed on. In all honesty, I did not know Mr Lee. I just knew him as some figurehead that appeared in our Social Studies textbooks, one of our "founding fathers" as to call it. I never knew his contributions other than the mere founding of PAP. He is one of our greatest leaders who built Singapore into what it is today. But you see, I never questioned how Singapore got here, I just assumed it just is. I never thought to thank the people behind the scenes, I just took my comfortable living for granted. It is ironic how we show the most gratitude only after the passing of the living.
"Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because the regret is stronger than the gratitude." -Anne Frank's Diary
When things don't go our way, we ask why. But when it does, we don't question anything. Its as if we expect life to suit our needs. Is that what living is about? Why should we expect convenience and happiness to be served to us on a silver platter? Lots of hope, lots of "ifs". There I go questioning life again. Oh lord bless me.
I realised I'm pretty drawn to mysterious people. People who I can't read. Because those are the ones that intrigues me to find out what's under that "calm and composed" exterior. Haha, I should just change my major to Pyschology (I actually wouldn't mind, if only eh?)
anyeong!
I'll crack that shell one day, I'll peel the layers off, one by one.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Facade.
You know how you think you've mapped out your thoughts, your feelings, your life, and suddenly, its as if fate or life just loves to fk with us so they just screw it all up and laugh at us while we scramble to gather all that's left? Well, story of my life. I need organisation, I need a plan. You fk it up I'm literally screwed. Having a mental breakdown in the middle of a public bus wasn't exactly how I pictured it to be, but at least I was ignored and left to myself to drown in my pity and sorrows.
WEEK 2-3
Real messed up. Real real messed up. I've never felt more broken and vulnerable in my life before. No, not because of romance cos fk that, I'm so over it. Its like you invest so much time into attempting to maintain one, only to have it crash and burn right before your eyes. So cheers to that. Hence, I turn to my next most reliable and most important thing in my life( other than family), education (lol, bummer, I didn't say you). Have you ever started to question if you're making the right decisions in life? It was one thing to feel stressed, but another to feel like i'm so lost, not knowing what in the world was going on, having absolutely no control of my life, that is the worst feeling ever. I really don't know what to do. To be surrounded by so many people, so many loved ones, but yet you feel alone. They try to understand, they really do, and I appreciate that, but sometimes its just not possible to understand what I'm going through. I make it sound like its some bigass problem and issue and you may think I'm foolish, but sometimes your insecurities and doubts eat into you.
FALSE EXPECTATIONS
it'll forever be there. I expect this and that turns out. Oh great, forever being disappointed. Hence, we come up with this phrase called "expect nothing". But how can I do that? It is in our human nature to have some sort of expectations, some sort of standard we hope to achieve some day. Unrealistic expectations of ourselves and of others; purely inevitable. Hope and unrealistic, such words that complement each other.
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"Yes there are people who are greater than her. There are people who are more attractive, more intelligent, more caring, and more fortunate. That's life- full of temptations. But don't be deceived by those things. Because didn't you realise that there are people who are also greater than you? Yet, she chose you."
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TEMPTATIONS
the root of all evil. or not. This is where you test if you got your moral compass in the right direction. Then again, what is right anymore? Something that buds from a seed- it starts of small, but as you water it, it grows, into something larger, and it wont stop, unless you stop watering it altogether, and leave it to die. But what if you want it to stop, but yet don't? Is there a pause button? No. There's no pause button in life. You're at a fork, and you've gotta decide if you want to go right or left. Once your decision is made, there's no turning back. Do it and regret? Maybe. But do it and prosper? Maybe. Now it just all comes down to sacrifice doesn't it? Are you willing to give up something you hold so dear to yourself, for temptations. Are you considered weak if you can't resist?
anyeong.
How do you create a facade to protect your personal identity so that you won't lose yourself in the rest of the world?
Friday, February 27, 2015
Third Chances.
So remember how I was literally JUST talking about how I would wait another month. Well, poof that month is gone, seriously I didn't see it go by.
This 3 month summer break really flew by, and this time in a good way.
I've saw my friends in a new light- those who still remember my existence and bother to talk to me and meet up with me that is. You never know the true value of friendship until you are in your darkest times they say. Let me tell you this, you never know it truly until you're in your loneliest. Those who still stand by you, they're the ones.
Sure I may have spent some of my days waking up at the weirdest times, sometimes in the late afternoon even, stoning and hence wasting my whole day away.. But the days that I actually have plans, I make the best out of it. I catched up with so many old pals, some of them even dating back to Primary school days and swimming. Sometimes I'm just like, "since when were we ever this close?", but you take a step back and realise that "wow, we still have this bond. Why not salvage it into something stronger?" Some may die but I've got a good feeling most will stay. I don't really think "friendship" is the right term anymore to describe such bonds with old pals. It's too brief and "washy washy" for my liking. Its more like..attachment. Yeah, took me awhile to figure a right word, but for now that shall do. I treasure each and every attachment.
BLOGSKIN
sidetracking a little, nik was telling how crappy my skin is. HAHA okay she didn't put it that crudely, but basically it's dam hard to read this shit. But its my shit so..doesn't really matter HAHA. Okay yeah yeah it's pretty small and tiny..but hey friends if you're reading it on your phone it's available in mobile mode or something (: (but yes I may change it soon. It's super hard finding a skin especially how times have changed and people can't be bothered with blogspot anymore)
NO GOOD IN GOODBYE
it was actually legit painful. Since my newfound rebuilt connection, attachement or whatever you may want to call it with all my loved ones, I really did not want to leave. I had so much fun and laughter over the summer I did not want it to end. I did not want to say goodbye, I did not want to face reality.
Hugs says alot about a person don't you think? Tight hugs, loose hugs, half hearted hugs, awkward arm hug, stiff hugs...
Ever hugged someone who when you pulled away still held on to you tightly? Do you know that feeling? That feeling of never wanting to let you go?
Its the feeling of being wanted. Being appreciated. Being missed. and finally, being loved.
Humanity lacks such emotion. To be able to be a receiver of such action, I really don't know to be happy to be wanted, or to be sad because it was an expression of loss.
Everyone needs to find that someone who holds you that way. It'll feel safe. It'll feel nice, for once to be wanted, needed, loved.
WEEK ZERO
I'm actually exhausted. Mainly because of my ever so poor sleeping cycle- which I really need to put words into action and start sleeping early and stop blogging at weird times such as now (1.43am). Believe it or not, hating that bloody thumbdrive, I actually enjoyed O-week. Well at least the 2 days that I fully utilised. Sure the first day was raining cats and dogs, but because of that lines were shorter and stuff could be done easily. But I didn't say coming in late was a bad thing either. I'm actually grateful that I pushed on last Nov/Dec/Jan to have the few days off to remain in SG with the fambam and relatives. My efforts paid off. 3-4 days is really sufficient enough. People are amazingly friendly and sociable, but I realise coming from a different society altogether, it was really hard to fit into their typical conversation. Australian humour is one thing that I think i'll take awhile to get accustomed to definitely. For now I shall just push on and be the awkward duckling, hoping this phase would pass soon enough.
ALSO, did you know how hard it was to find Uni books?! Like what even. I spent a good 5 hours today freaking out about finding my Law textbook as readings had to be done prior to the lecture..omg how screwed am I ): BUT YES, I finally got it thanks to my new Law Orientation buddies. Connections are really important actually. That's something i'll get to experience firsthand soon enough.
And finally, it was painful enough to say goodbye to aunty verge and my baby fluffy. Both with the common denominator of experiencing pain. One I bid good bye with the best of wishes for the future, while the other I bid good bye and farewell for the final time.
I always ask myself don't I deserve a tad bit happiness? Maybe at least let me enjoy a few weeks or at least days with such minimal happiness that happen in my life.
Typically, just when I thought when all things are going well, baby fluffy was struck with a really bad liver thingum. Now it's really just a month. A month and all is gone. For good. Please stay strong my baby, i'll be thinking of you, always.
Hopefully this coming week 1 will go by smoothly, leaving me happy and optimistic for the many challenges to come ):
anyeong! (and happy cny everyone!)
You left again. But the difference is this time, there's no third chances. And that's final.
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Head Above Water.
I was never the holy type, but an amazing performance by Katy Perry during the Grammy's raising awareness of domestic violence was good enough to convince me to share this beautiful song.
"I believed he was lashing out because he was in pain, and needed help. I believed my compassion could restore him and our relationship. My empathy was used against me. I was terrified of him and ashamed I was in this position. What bound me to him was my desire to heal him. My compassion was incomplete because it did not include me. When he threatened to kill me, I knew I had to escape. I revealed the truth to my mom and she encouraged me to seek help at a local domestic violence shelter. This conversation saved my life. Authentic love does not devalue another human being. Authentic love does not silence, shame or abuse.
If you're in a relationship with someone who does not honor or respect you, I want you to know you are worthy of love. Please reach out for help. " -Brooke Axtell
_______________________________________________________________
Do you know how it feels to be knocked down to your feet? That's how it feels when your support, your foundation, crumbles below you. And that's why all dads teach their daughters to be strong independent women. And that is why we can't depend on others. Just when you thought the person you trust most will be there forever and always, he'll eventually turn his back on you. You were my role model, someone I respected, someone I looked up to, someone I envied, someone I confided in, and finally, someone I trusted. I guess I had just put my expectations for you way too high, I guess I just thought of you pretty much as flawless. But there's nothing that disgust me more than arrogance and that condescending attitude of yours. You really can't get the best of both worlds, you just can't. There were small hints along the way, but this time you pushed it too far. Talk to me like nothing happened, but this will be something I will never look past, and I will never forget.
Imagine this: If such a small trivial matter will spark off such a response, what will happen the next time when the real deal comes along? This logic has become the foundation of how I view people nowadays. I try to be impartial about it all, but you've got to protect yourself from harm you can foresee don't you? That's called taking precaution.
THE DIET PLAN.
obviously failed. Its the 10th day of Feb and I have not started exercising at all. Okay, let's make life a tad bit easier for me. Just to sleep early and wake up by 10. I think that won't be too hard. So we can't count today cos duh, its 1.20am heh. I really can't wait for CNY to come (: I love seeing my cousins and family all together as one. And the goodies omg (: eggcited!! Not really anticipating the whole #ootd fiasco (and maybe i'll even be part of it hehe).
DREAMS.
You know how we've always asked ourselves what our dreams mean? Just a few seconds ago, something struck me. I've always loved dreaming because it let me experience things I can't in real life. Some nightmares are dreadful but that's how we experience "fear" once in awhile since reality may not pose the kind that is possible (if you get what I mean). Especially when our dreams defy reality and our expectations, that is when we feel alive. Hence, just moments ago, something clicked. What if our dreams were there to show us a perspective we ourselves were always afraid to open up to but once we "experience" it in our subconscious, we will see how wrong we were, and thus dare to explore that avenue in reality. I mean sure some dreams are way off, unrelated and unrealistic such as raining donuts or flying pigs but if that theory doesn't work for you, I don't know what will. To have come to such realisation, I'm actually pretty impressed with myself haha.
Anyeong!
I picked myself back up. I put one foot in front of the other and I looked in the mirror and decided to stay. Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
The Last Straw.
And finally, touch down.
Over the period of my short vacation, I've seen so much, learnt so much, heard so much, and experienced so much. Besides the nagging and occasional unreasonable-ness of my parents, my mind was so alive. So you can expect after 11 days I'm legit mentally drained. Also, I ate SO MUCH. I have a exercise plan for Feb before I fly back and hopefully that will materialize. I really enjoyed my trip though, I've learnt to appreciate the quietness of the countryside as well as the hecticness of the city. I've picked up crumbs of humbleness in mankind and splashes of greed and selfishness in the heart. Yes I sometimes curse and swear at the evil and pray they get retribution but wouldn't that make myself lower than them as well?
Life in itself is a lesson, a journey, an experience to see right from wrong, evil from good.
I don't know what to do with you anymore. Time is all you need, but that is something I cannot give you as much as I want to. Time defines every existence of every living thing on earth. Time defines what we could have been, what we desire to be but cannot be. Time is indefinite, priceless and most of all, forbidden. I had some uncertainty if this space of mine was ever found by you, but I've come to the point where its okay for you to see how I've struggled with my thoughts. Because I have decided to let go. Piece by piece. Because one day won't you leave as well just like you did those years before? I can't afford to let myself go through the same path again. I'm sane now don't you worry. I'm foolish no more. These months I have wavered, only because I told myself after all those months I deserve just a little happiness. Just a little. These are my unspoken thoughts for you. Thank you for these past months. Just like every Summer dream, the break ends and I'm back to reality in a month. I wish you the best, I wish you happiness and every success you dream and desire. I wish you love and peace, in hopes you will find someone that will give you the support, strength and love you deserve. I don't know when we will talk again, but when we do, I will answer you with a lighter but stronger heart. I just need you to have the courage, the nerve to strive for what you want. Not what your parents or those around expect of you, but what you yourself want. This is the last straw, the last page, the last hope. One more month and I'll be gone; my heart and soul with it I assure you. I'm giving myself just one more month. Just one.
She wants you to want her like how he does. But she doesn't want him, she wants you. The sad thing is that those who would give up the world for a person, that person would do the same for someone else and not you. That's why fairytales never work out, you sacrifice for the wrong people, your brain protects you from hurting yourself, but your heart thinks that pain is all worth it.
I can't believe I'm off in another 3 or so weeks. And I can't believe I'll be turning 18 in just about a month or so. I don't want school to start ): I don't want reality to kick in. Everyone is splitting ways, with some in UK, AU and CA. True friends are so hard to find but now everyone is slowly drifting away. And that's why you treasure the occasional skype call or facebook chat. The bond of friendship is as strong as the bridge you build to maintain it. In times of darkness, friendship is all you have aside from kinship.
Support.
Something that comes in a physical, vocal and mental form. Don't we all need some sort of encouragement to push through the shit dirt we're in? If you're the anchor to my feet I will shake you off. I expected much more of you as a friend. If this is my own dream and my own ambition, who are you to have a say in how I want to steer my life? If this is the type of friendship you deem fit, I shall leave you with your English tea and bid you farewell. What have happened to you? Or was this just something I have dug up from deep within and only started to realise the cold poison that eats you from inside. Be happy my dear friend, be happy for yourself and those around you. The competition of the world will forever be there, but your happiness won't if you don't help yourself.
anyeong (:
Anything's possible if you've got enough nerve. -J.K Rowling
Friday, January 2, 2015
Here's to 2015.
New Years was not. fun. at. all.
Like yeah sure watchnight service, starting the year blessed with the holy spirit and all. But the thing is that those who know me well enough, I was never a holy person, but i've always kept an open mind, and as always I've tried to accept the whole Christianity thingum, so I just tag along. But really, spending an hour talking about the events held in 2015..AND not even having a countdown?! AND even at 12 no best wishes? Just the announcing of the new church committee? Really? No matter how fking holy you are, you start the year off with a HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! Not some shit stunt like that.
Ugh. Basically it was a terrible end. I spent the last hour plus of 2014 on my phone trying to stay awake.
Overall, 2014 was a bad year.
It flew past so fast. Not because of how fun it was, but because of how mundane it was. Day after day I went through the same routine, as if life had no meaning to it and I was just living it watching each day past for the sake of making time fly. I could honestly say 2014 was one of the worst years i've had. Not only did i leave all my loved ones friends and family, joined a new "civillisation" with new people new environment, but also, I felt like I wasted one year of my life. Like I was not living my life. I was just drifting through it. I did not feel anything, I was just numb to everything.
To have reached this conclusion is really just appalling and disappointing to see my year spent so unsatisfyingly.
Change is good. But sometimes they are bad too.
Then again, I guess everything happens for a reason. That's why I always spend my time thinking what that reason could be. Everyone are trying to find answers aren't they? But what you find may not be what you wanted. And sometimes things- the truth, are better left unfound and undiscovered, because it'll be safer for your heart, yourself.
I won't regret the many friendships made, some broken, some mended. Sometimes unexpected things are just round the corner. As for you, you're always that unsolved puzzle in my life. I'm not sure when I will be able to complete that puzzle, or if there is one puzzle piece lost and I will just never solve it. You're unexpected, unreadable, unpredictable. I really don't know what I'm going to do with you.
Here's a shout out to Bryan:
thank you for still stopping by after what feels like a gazillion years. What if I change my blog URL one day? watcha gonna do ;) HAHA ANYWAY>>>
HAHA hi bryan. I know what you're thinking. But for now, I'll tell you to worry about yourself first kay? I'll sort my shit out. Soon. For now we're in the same messed up boat. Best wishes to 2015 and hopefully you'll get out of this boat soon. As for me, I think I should just buy over this boat because I won't be leaving it anytime soon I'm quite sure.
I'm thinking bout' how people fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand.
Here's wishing the bestest of the best wishes to everyone out there, hoping you have a wonderful 2015, and may this year be even better than the last.
As how many of us would start the year with a New Year Resolution, I'd just like one simple wish.
Make this year count.
I was already thinking of starting a bucket list notebook this year (which is kinda like a resolution kind of thing) but a limited to your lifetime goal kind of list, AND I'M REALLY EXCITED TO GET STARTED ON IT. and I'll write down the date and maybe have a few signing of the people i completed it with. It'll be cool. (:
Here's to 2015.
anyeong!
Like yeah sure watchnight service, starting the year blessed with the holy spirit and all. But the thing is that those who know me well enough, I was never a holy person, but i've always kept an open mind, and as always I've tried to accept the whole Christianity thingum, so I just tag along. But really, spending an hour talking about the events held in 2015..AND not even having a countdown?! AND even at 12 no best wishes? Just the announcing of the new church committee? Really? No matter how fking holy you are, you start the year off with a HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! Not some shit stunt like that.
Ugh. Basically it was a terrible end. I spent the last hour plus of 2014 on my phone trying to stay awake.
Overall, 2014 was a bad year.
It flew past so fast. Not because of how fun it was, but because of how mundane it was. Day after day I went through the same routine, as if life had no meaning to it and I was just living it watching each day past for the sake of making time fly. I could honestly say 2014 was one of the worst years i've had. Not only did i leave all my loved ones friends and family, joined a new "civillisation" with new people new environment, but also, I felt like I wasted one year of my life. Like I was not living my life. I was just drifting through it. I did not feel anything, I was just numb to everything.
To have reached this conclusion is really just appalling and disappointing to see my year spent so unsatisfyingly.
Change is good. But sometimes they are bad too.
Then again, I guess everything happens for a reason. That's why I always spend my time thinking what that reason could be. Everyone are trying to find answers aren't they? But what you find may not be what you wanted. And sometimes things- the truth, are better left unfound and undiscovered, because it'll be safer for your heart, yourself.
I won't regret the many friendships made, some broken, some mended. Sometimes unexpected things are just round the corner. As for you, you're always that unsolved puzzle in my life. I'm not sure when I will be able to complete that puzzle, or if there is one puzzle piece lost and I will just never solve it. You're unexpected, unreadable, unpredictable. I really don't know what I'm going to do with you.
Here's a shout out to Bryan:
thank you for still stopping by after what feels like a gazillion years. What if I change my blog URL one day? watcha gonna do ;) HAHA ANYWAY>>>
HAHA hi bryan. I know what you're thinking. But for now, I'll tell you to worry about yourself first kay? I'll sort my shit out. Soon. For now we're in the same messed up boat. Best wishes to 2015 and hopefully you'll get out of this boat soon. As for me, I think I should just buy over this boat because I won't be leaving it anytime soon I'm quite sure.
I'm thinking bout' how people fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand.
Here's wishing the bestest of the best wishes to everyone out there, hoping you have a wonderful 2015, and may this year be even better than the last.
As how many of us would start the year with a New Year Resolution, I'd just like one simple wish.
Make this year count.
I was already thinking of starting a bucket list notebook this year (which is kinda like a resolution kind of thing) but a limited to your lifetime goal kind of list, AND I'M REALLY EXCITED TO GET STARTED ON IT. and I'll write down the date and maybe have a few signing of the people i completed it with. It'll be cool. (:
Here's to 2015.
anyeong!
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